Post-vacay depression or PMS? Hard to tell.

But either way, I am about three false moves away from digging my thumbs into someone's neck and strangling the life out of them.

I hate being this kind of blogger: the one who only writes when she's depressed, which is a lot of the time (hey, maybe I have depression. What a novel idea!). I've played this game before, and when I go back and read what I've written, it's not a fun game to play. And it's probably not fun for anyone reading this. But, sometimes you have to get it out.

Pouring My Heart Out... Though It's More Like a Dribble

So, it has been way way WAY too long since I last updated this thing. Over a year. I am the shittiest blogger ever.

For about a week, I've wanted to post something here, but whenever I sat down and thought about what to put here, I came up short. What the hell could I write here that would be worth anyone's time reading? I suppose since this was a personal blog and didn't have any real direction, my boring life is the way to go. And I know I've tried the whole rebirth of a blog thing before, and I've ALWAYS failed miserably. I'm not even going to pretend that this is me trying to breathe life back into my silly little blog. It's just a single entry. Nothing special, except a reminder that I'm still here.

The problem, I think (and I know I've mentioned this before), is that there are so many other social networking sites. I barely keep up with Facebook, Tumblr comes and goes in my mind, though if I ever need a pictures-of-pretty-people fix, that's really the place to be. The only social networking site I use consistently is Twitter. The thing about those three is that they're all connected. If I post something on Tumblr that I don't want people to see, I have to run to Facebook to delete it. I always have to think about how my family or my co-workers would react to certain things. For the most part, I have a "who cares" attitude, but, you know what, dammit? Sometimes I want to be angsty and emotional and irrational, and fuck it. Who even has this link anymore? Who even reads it (besides maybe Amy. Hi, Amy!)?? I mean, if anyone bothered to go back through my past entires, there's enough of the angst and emotion to power a small town. Provided emotion can be converted to an energy source. You know what I mean.

So, what's happened to me in the past year? Well, I think the BIGGEST change is that I finally dumped my boyfriend of, like, three and a half years. This was back in April (Damn, I DO suck). I mentioned him on the blog back in 2007 when we met, if you want to run and read the stupid entry I wrote about him. When I read it over, it just sounds so phony. And I'll be honest here, AS I was writing it, I felt like a giant phony. Like I knew I should be excited about him, and I should be gushing, but I just could not muster the adequate emotions. Perhaps that should have been my first clue that this would be no good. Either that or the fact that he told me he loved me, like, a month or so into our dating. No, that's not sweet. That's fucking creepy. Yeah, I'm talking dirt. What of it?

I was dating him when my dad died (I don't know if I ever mentioned this on this blog before. Hell, there are still some people in my life who don't know that fact about me), and I think that was when I really started debating dumping him. He wasn't very comforting, for one. It happened very close to the end of the Fall semester my senior year in college, and I had to go home before the semester ended. So I ended up having a full month break before I came back for the Spring semester. I can still remember the visceral feeling I had watching him pull up to the curb to pick me up from the airport. Almost like I didn't recognize him, and I didn't want to get in the car with him. Stranger Danger and all that. Something felt off. Of course, I fell into a bit of a depression, and I considered dumping him. In a moment of clarity, I even realized that my dad would probably even advise me to dump him, but I could never gather my nerve enough to do it. So it dragged on.

It just got to be too much. My brain telling me one thing while my heart told me another. My brain was the bigger idiot, telling me that everything was okay, nothing he said was that bad, I could get over it, beyond it. But the whole time, my heart was screaming that I was an idiot and I needed to get as far away as possible for my own good. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to listen to my heart, the truth that I knew deep down for so long, but willfully ignored. Because why? Because I'm an idiot.

This wasn't the original purpose of this post. It just drifted this way. And I certainly didn't mean to talk about Mumford and Sons again, but they ARE my soulband so it's pretty inevitable. But the reason I bring them up is because, as cheesy as it sounds, a few of their songs helped me find the strength inside myself to finally pull off that band-aid.



Love, it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you.
It will set you free

As cliche as it may seem, I want that tattooed on me somewhere.



And I feel numb beneath your tongue
Your strength just makes me feel less strong...

And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow
Take my hand, I'll be on my way...

That one rarely doesn't elicit tears.

So there, you go. The little post that almost wasn't and then I end up pouring out just a tiny fraction of my heart. Thanks, blog. You're a great listener.

Why Europe? This is why. :)

So, I think I might be going to Europe next spring/summer. Money still needs to be saved, and tickets bought, and hotels reserved, and all that good stuff, but still. Oh, and I need to renew my passport. That'll be important to. But the point is, I'm going. I may be going. I'm probably going.

Maybe I'll come back.

I'm kidding. Of course I'll (probably) come back. My life is (sort of) here. I mean, this place is (kind of) my home, you know? How could I ever (seriously) consider leaving?

Maybe because Europe has THESE BOYS!!

I think I'm in love. No. I KNOW I'm in love. I've been casually listening to them for months now, but never bought their album. I wanted to go to their show in NYC, but BOTH shows were SOLD OUT and I couldn't get a ticket :( I know! Anyway, so since my missed opportunity (more than you know. Like, for real. Let's just say someone I know had a REALLY good time at the show. And after. TOTALLY JEALOUS!), I've been scouring YouTube for their music. And when Borders bestowed upon me a 50% off coupon today, I used it to actually buy their CD. I've been listening to it since about 4pm when I got home from the mall. It's now just before 9pm. That's right. 5 straight hours of this. It's THAT great.

Here is a little sample. It's called "Little Lion Man." Seriously love this song. I think I've listened to it about 100 times in the past, like, 5 days. Amazing. Mumford & Sons rock my socks :)

A Change of Scenery, Or How I'll End Up Living in Europe Before I Realize What's Happened

Lately I've been overcome with the urgent need to run away. Not just running away and never looking back. More like strategic disappearing. All my important contacts would know where to find me and how to contact me, but life as I know it in New Jersey would be gone, a thing of the past. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm in almost desperate need of a change of scenery. This isn't the first time this has happened.

I suppose the first time this happened, I was 18 years old. I was graduating high school soon, and I was tasked with choosing myself a college. Six years later, I realize I made the horrible mistake of applying to only one school (albeit, I did agonize over which schools to apply to, and instead of casting a wide net -- which would have been BETTER -- I went for only a select few. And ultimately only one). I got accepted, and was even given scholarship money. And the kicker? It was in New Jersey, a cool 600 miles away from home in North Carolina. In New Jersey I would never again have to see anyone from high school if I didn't want to. In New Jersey, I could reinvent myself, become my own person, find my own way. In New Jersey, I'd be close to New York City, the city of my dreams, the city that would offer me everything I ever wanted, the city that would probably chew me up, spit me out, but enjoy the taste so much, it'd invite me back in and we'd have a laugh. New Jersey was the answer to everything.

I realize now how naive I was. It's true I haven't seen people from high school unless I want to, and I suppose I have reinvented myself in a way. I'm a bit more outgoing, loud, opinionated -- typical NY/NJ area (I've even picked up a bit of an accent *groan*). I guess it's also true that I've become my own person, and I've kind of found my own way. I have a job and an apartment, and don't live with my parents. That all is true. It's the rest of it, the promises this all implied that's lacking and leaving me feeling unfulfilled. I suppose I should have realized that it wouldn't be easy, but I haven't just sat back and waited for it all to happen to me. I've tried; I've worked hard; I've put myself out there. Maybe it's the bad economy, or maybe I'm just a victim of bad timing. Or maybe what I've been looking for isn't here.

That's where the running away comes in. For months now, I've been longing to escape somewhere, to go on a prolonged vacation. Preferably somewhere I've never been before. I never got the opportunity to travel abroad for a year or so after college, just sowing my wild oats before I settled down and got a job. I searched for months after graduation for a job, finally landing one 4 months later. I've been at that job ever since. My 2-year anniversary just passed, actually, and I'm exhausted. I am so tired. Or maybe I'm just bored. I need to see something new. I need to do something new. I want to live somewhere new. Jag vill flytta till Sverige. Ich will nach Deutschland verlagern. I want to move to England.

If you're not careful, I might start looking for jobs in one of those places. That'd be a helluva change. Great, now I'm giving myself ideas...

Drag Queens and Vampire Diaries

I think I have a new favorite channel: LOGO. It's a GLBT channel that seems to constantly play episodes of RuPaul's Drag U or old reruns of Buffy. There are also occasionally movies, and other shows, but these are the two shows that seem to be on whenever I turn to the channel. Not that I'm complaining! have you ever watched Drag U?! It is hilarious. I love drag queens so much. And it's a nice little feel-good show too. I found my favorite queen from the show on Twitter, and she told me she loved me. It totally made my day, haha. Anyway, if you have the channel, I totally suggest that you watch it. It's really entertaining, and kind of addictive.

Anyway, besides watching hours of Drag U, I've also been furiously working to get my tiny blog dedicated to the CW show The Vampire Diaries off the ground. My friend and I started it in June, but didn't do much with it, and with Season 2 starting TOMORROW, we figured we should probably make use of it. So, for the past few weeks, we've been working our asses off to create content -- recaps, wishlists. We even produced a VDBingo game. It's like regular bingo, but with a Vampire Diaries twist! If you're a fan of the show, you should definitely go read some of the stuff on there. It's a snarky good time :) www.salvatoreboardinghouse.wordpress.com.

Besides that, not a lot has been going on since I posted a few weeks ago. I originally signed in here to make a more angsty post, but decided against it. It wasn't going to be like the past few that I've posted. It was going to be on an entirely different topic. In fact, I'm not sure if I've written about that topic here before ever. Maybe I'll give it a go tomorrow, or at least soon. I have a sinking feeling it might be plaguing me for a while. It's already been over a month. Sorry to be vague and annoying, haha. But I don't really want to get into it right here right now. Maybe/probably later.

Until then... watch and read! :)

Wow, I'm kind of a downer...

So... I'm quite the Debbie Downer, eh? Haha. I knew how depressing those last few posts sounded while I was posting them, but I can't even reread them right now because they were so bad/difficult to stomach. I suppose I'm still partially there, though I think I've gotten used to it, so I'm not as whiny (hahahaha right). I haven't even posted since late July because I couldn't bring myself to dwell on the same tired subject again. So I will try not too... for now...

Not a lot has happened, really. I'm still debating the things I talked about last post... new jobs and all, but I'm not sure what I would do, or even when. Like I've said many times before, I would love to live in Charlotte, but I suppose that would depend on what jobs I could find. I'm not even sure if I still know what I want to do when I grow up. I'm not sure when this "growing up" is going to take place, unfortunately. In a little more than 2 months, I'll be able to rent a car. Will it happen then? I don't know.

The other option that I've been toying with since I was still in college getting my Bachelor's was going to grad school. Okay, so I go to grad school. Next question: what the heck do I study?! I tried to figure this out, but I've only ever come up with one thing that would pique my interest: creative writing. It would be something that I'd be interested in studying, and I could always teach with a degree like that, not to mention become better equipped to pen the elusive Great American Novel. Either way, it'd be something new for me to do, in the process of (hopefully) bettering myself and my station.

So, back when I first thought of this idea, I started doing some research on schools. UGA was supposed to have a pretty good program. My friend was also thinking of going this route through Hunter College in NYC. That one sounded pretty good (especially considering the dissertation was just a novel -- whether or not you ever finished it!). But I never really got any further than just debating programs. I would consider it off and on over the years, but last week I really started considering it again. I researched a few more schools: Columbia University, NYU, and The New School. I couldn't actually find the program on the Columbia website during my quickie search (talk about elite!), so I don't really know anything about it except that James Franco is currently enrolled (♥♥♥). NYU, while very enticing, is expensive as balls. Seriously, more money than I paid per year for undergrad! The New School program sounded pretty good actually. Lots of workshops, seminars, stuff of that nature. And the dissertation is something like 100 pages of a novel (EASY!), and a 20 page research paper on some topic related to your field of study, which in my case would be fiction. EASY! That sounds awesome to me! Aaaaand, it's only like $11k-ish for a 24-credit year.

The problem with that (and not to sound like a snob) is that I don't know if I would be happy with an MFA from The New School. That makes me feel horrible. It's an accredited institution, and it's been around for like 80 years. But I guess I just envisioned myself going someone a bit more prestigious. I think I have too high expectations. Because, really, there is NOTHING WRONG with The New School. I've actually considered going to the New School before (though I can't remember now for what). And, really, when I think about it, it wouldn't be so bad... I think the issue is that I'm trying to talk myself out of going, period. I don't have the money to pay out of pocket, and just thinking about filling out a FAFSA, or applying to financial aid gives me a serious case of the heebie-jeebies. Ugh. The learning, the school work, the commuting I can do. But when it comes to financial issues, I chicken out. I actually said to myself "Ah, you can just learn from experience!" Wow, way to be a downer, me.

So here I am. Still working, not matriculating, and still trying to figure out what I want to do "when I grow up." *Sigh* This is my quarter-life crisis, I guess.

I Wish I Had a GPS For My Life

I had kind of forgotten that I wrote all that last time. It wasn't so much that I had forgotten that I had written it as much as I had forgotten that I had had all those thoughts just days before I had them all over again, in a much weakened state.

Let me explain: last week was awful. Well, the beginning of the week was awful. It was a low point in my impending quarter-life crisis. Monday was such a crap day, that I decided about halfway through the work day that I was going to go home and search for jobs in Charlotte. Fuck it. I'd had enough. I thought about it for the rest of the day; it was sort of my driving force to get through the rest of the day. I thought about it a bit when I actually got home, but I was so drained from being enraged for most of the day, that I never looked. Still haven't.

Then, on Wednesday, I went into the City to see Chuck Klosterman do a book talk on Eating the Dinosaur. It was really good, really funny. He's such a great and entertaining writer. He simultaneously makes me feel smart and dumb when I read this stuff, and he makes me want to be a better (and paid) writer. His writing inspires me, and I remember that more strongly whenever I spend a particularly long time with his writing, and even more so when I hear him speak (2 times, now). As I was sitting on the train going into the city, I realized that if I were to move to Charlotte, I wouldn't be able to do this anymore. I wouldn't be able to, on a whim, go roam the city, or go to spectacular events, or see famous people out on the street, or almost bump into them getting on the subway. It's the little things, you know? These little insignificant things that make me happy, that make me feel validated, at least the tiniest fraction of a bit. There are other things in Charlotte, namely people who are important to me, that are calling me, but it would just be so much better if they all lived here with me, haha. I realize how selfish that sounds, but I'm completely serious. They should just all move here. We'd have so much fun (and get in so much trouble).

But they're not here, and they're not moving here, and again I'm torn. I'm not happy here; that much is clear to me. But I 1) lack the money to move into the city, and 2) lack the job opportunities to try to make a location change right now. Being complacent is so much easier than taking action. Especially when I can't figure out which action would be best, which I deep down want the most. I realized yesterday that I may be able to continue my job from a remote location (i.e., Charlotte), but I don't know if it would remain full-time, or turn into a freelance situation with sporadic work. That wouldn't be good. So still, I'm stagnant. And it's driving me insane.

I'm 24 years old, I'm only able to bank about 1/8th of my salary each month, and I'm drowning. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost. Someone come find me, please.

Welcome to Starbucks. May I Interest You in a Venti Soy Caramel I'm-Not-Getting-Any-Younger-uccino?

Is it weird that for a second there, I just considered quitting my job and working at Starbucks? Like, for a second, I actually thought that making snotty professional types their half-caf soy mocha lattes or whatever could be inspiring. It could definitely afford me some much needed free time, don't you think?

But it's bad that I thought this, right? Like, it would be a serious pay cut. I already feel like I make on the low-end for what I do. I seriously need to be paid more for the amount of work that I do. Maybe I'm in the wrong industry. Maybe I should have gone to school to be a psychologist like I had thought about while I was in high school. For a while there, I really wanted to be an FBI profiler. No joke. I was all into it. But then journalism caught my heart, and against the advice of my parents, I went for it. Now I have a degree that was awesome to study, but is essentially useless to me since I don't even work in the journalism field. I hate newspapers. Hate them with a passion. Magazines are better, but hard as shit to get a job at if you're not freelancing, which I don't know if that's something I want to do right now. There's definitely the money in psychology, but I think I might enjoy reading/watching suspense crime dramas more than actually living them. I don't want a high risk job.

I don't know what to do with my life. I'm at a standstill. I think I mentioned this yesterday. I hate Jersey so much. I want out of this armpit. But if I go anywhere but into NYC, I'm going to miss it too much. I so badly want to move back to Charlotte, but, as much as I love it, that city is beans compared to NYC. It's THE CITY. You can't find a better city than that. It's true that I don't go in there often, but what would I do if I didn't have it in my life? It's like a weird addiction. A lover on retainer. I don't need it all the time, but it's nice to know that it's there when I do. When I need to escape into it. When I need to experience something new and exciting. How could I possibly part with it?

I'm sorry this is rambley, and disjointed, and possibly hard to follow. Welcome to my brain. I just wish I knew what I was doing with my life. I want to do something new, I want to get out of here, but I don't want to limit myself and dash my dreams by moving back to a relatively smaller metropolis. I don't even know what my dreams are.

I think I'm on the verge of a quarter-life crisis here.

Not Enough Hours In The Day

Okay, so that writing I mentioned I was going to do while everyone was at work last post? Yeah, that didn't happen. I got distracted with an online game called Bloons. What the hell is wrong with me? My cousin was also there, trying to write lyrics... but I got him addicted to Bloons too! We suck at staving off procrastination, haha.

Anywho, I'm back in New Jersey now, having not written anything in like a week. I really need to get on that. I have so many side projects going on right now, it's hard to find the time, though. I think maybe my job isn't stimulating for me in the way that it needs to be in order for me to feel fulfilled. Instead, I have to put in 100% effort just to stay on task, which doesn't always happen. I take breaks, I get off task, but I still manage to finish my work. I'm just not that passionate about it. So I have to use my time after 5 to work on my side projects for which I have FAR more passion. These projects include, but are not necessarily limited to: reading, writing, reviewing, blogging, watching movies, catching up on TV shows, etc. Unforunately, there aren't enough hours in the day to engage in all of these activities in a given evening, so I have to pick and choose. Which leaves me WAY less than satisfied most of the time.

Which is why I usually only sleep 5 or 6 hours a night. I'm trying to suck every last second that I can out of that day, just so I can do something that I enjoy. Is that so much to ask? To be allowed to do something that enables me to escape a little bit from my sad, pathetic life? Tonight, I think I'm going to try to write. Not fiction, but an essay of sorts for a blog that my friend and I are trying to start. It hasn't been updated in almost a month, and we need new material. We have a bunch of ideas floating around, but nothing has been written. I guess you could call it a fangirl site, of sorts. It's a little dorky, but we love it. It's all about the CW (I know, I know) show The Vampire Diaries. You can read our 2 posts (haha *sigh*) here: The Salvatore Boarding House. We figure since it's the summer, we can be a bit slack, but once the season starts, we're going to try to update more regularly. If you decide to visit, I hope you enjoy.

Once I'm done with that, maybe I'll try working more on my 2009 NaNo, which I have tentatively titled "It's Not Too Late." We'll see. Or maybe I'll read. Or something else. I don't know. I need a job where I can get paid to do a hobby. That would be sweet. Until then, I have to content myself with staying up until 2 a.m. to allow my brain some sort of creative outlet...

NaNo 2009 Rewriting Update

So, I decided to try what I was talking about last post. I've put aside the one story I've been working on fairly steadily for over a year, to rework my NaNo from 2009. For the most part I've kept most of what was written for the girl. I decided to keep her POV solely as written in her online blog, as before. But with the guy, I've pretty much rewritten that. Now, instead of only hearing what he's saying to the dog or around the dog, it's just standard first person POV. I've tried to keep the stream of consciousness to a minimum, focusing more on actions and what other people say, but I sneak some thoughts in there, too. So far, I think it's working. I've reworked something like 14 scenes, and it's flowing fairly easily. I'm pretty excited about that, actually. I'm still trying to figure out if it will be possible to pull off the original concept. I veered so far away from it in my original version, I'm not really sure how to pull it back. I'm trying though. I'll report back... :)

In other news, I flew to Florida late last night for a bit of visiting with the family. It's just as hot here as it was in New Jersey with that freaking heat wave. It's actually a little cooler here than it has been there, but apparently the temperature dropped like 15 degrees up there, so now it's cooler there than here. I can't win. Sheesh, haha.

Okay, while everyone is at work, I think I'm going to try a bit of writing before the house fills up again, and I get distracted...

Until then!

Writer's Block, Part 65

It has been entirely too long since I've written anything original. I was going strong for a while there, about a month ago, even managing to write 13 pages in like 5 hours one day. I don't think I've written anything since. It's totally bumming me out. I know all I have to do is just, oh I don't know, do it, haha. I just need to find the motivation.

See, the issue I'm having right now is that I've hit a slump in the story that I've been working on for a really long time now. I have a general idea of where I'm going, but I don't really have it mapped out scene-by-scene. I know everyone has their own style and writing process, but I'm starting to wonder if my method just isn't working for me anymore. I tend to meander my way through the plot, usually ending up somewhere totally off-track from where I intended. That's fine and all; it's part of the creative process, the journey. It happens. But sometimes I get so far off course, I have to back-track and rewrite. That already happened once. I'm now on the second version of this story. And the wall I've hit now is making me think I have to back the truck up again and rework some things. That's not a bad idea. Like I said, I understand that that's the writing process, but I'm losing steam. It's just frustrating in a totally trivial way. *Sigh*

So, I've been considering laying that one aside for the time, to stew a bit, and moving on to another piece I started last year for NaNoWriMo. I managed to make it to 50k words in November of last year, but I wasn't entirely satisfied with how it turned out. It wasn't even finished. I just sort of stopped because, once again, I had hit a wall. I love the characters; I fell in love with them immediately. And I like their situation, but I think my issue is with the way the narrative is told. The girl's point of view is told completely from her entries in an online diary that she keeps. The guy's point of view is told entirely through conversations he has with his dog (he's not crazy; the dog doesn't talk back. It's more of a therapeutic thing, haha). I really love that concept, but I haven't quite figured it out enough so that it works really well. The blog part works alright, but the dog part reads kind of funny sometimes. It doesn't really work. I think it might work better if I also had a 3rd person omniscient view point, but I don't really want that. The point was originally to tell the story through these people in a way where the reader didn't get to see all their thoughts, which is why I approached it this way. People have a hard time admitting things about themselves if they have to say it out loud (or type it for the world to see). We're only ever close to 100% honest in our own heads (though, even then we may not be honest with ourselves). Maybe I'll just switch it to normal first person, like an inner monologue, but try to reign in the stream of consciousness. I'm good at that... which is why I wanted to switch it up and not do that.

I don't know. Maybe I'll try it that way for a while, see how it works out... I'm excited to try again. Now I just have to find the time...

Waterlogged

I don't know why or what's going on, but I am currently suffering an all-consuming thirst. Maybe it was the honey mustard on my sandwich. Maybe it was the ultra-delicious pickle I had on the side. But something about my lunch fucked me up, and now I can't stop drinking water. It's driving me nuts. In a little over an hour, I've had somewhere around 32 oz of water. Maybe that's not a lot; I don't know. But my stomach surely feels like it is. All that water sloshing around and making me uncomfortable.

Is this ever going to stop?!

And now my Nalgene is empty again. The thought of another really cold refill not only sounds delicious and refreshing, but also nauseous-making and ill-advised. The water feels so good pouring into my belly, but once it's there... I don't know if I'm going to bet able to waddle to the bathroom when or if my body starts processing it.

Maybe if I regularly drank more water, I wouldn't feel like I am ODing. As it is, I need to curl into a ball.

*shrug* Just felt like I should share -- you know, since I'm trying to be in the spirit of sharing the mundane details again...

Let's Try This Again...

Wow, I am really bad at this whole journal-keeping thing. I blame the internets. No, really, I do. I think I've expounded a bit on this before. It's so easy to be involved in things -- blogs, social networking sites, Twitter, etc, -- it can get quite distracting. So, once again I have let this blog sort of lapse into the blackhole that is the World Wide Web (wow, when's the last time you hear someone refer to it as that? haha).

Anywho, once again, I suppose I was feeling a little nostalgic, so I decided to go peruse my old livejournal, and re-realized that I was so free with that one, writing about my everyday life like it was actually interesting. I really need to start doing that again. I did that here once too. I need to stop trying so hard. "I'm just cataloging my life," I'll have to tell myself, as a meager motivation to write something. So I revamped this blog again, changed the colors and layout. I figured maybe if I change up the way it looks, I'll be more willing to look at it, and thereby, more willing to write on it. We'll see. Again.

God, I hate that I'm so bad at this. I wish that my life was something interesting, something worth reading: a doctor, an exchange student studying abroad and documenting my experiences, something. Instead, I am a (reluctant) young professional, living in New Jersey, wishing I lived in Charlotte, wishing I did something that I was really proud of, wishing I made more money so that maybe I'd have the freedom to do something that I was really proud of. Not yet, though, I guess. It's not in my cards for the immediate future. So maybe this can be a catalog of me struggling to attempt that. That's pretty much what it's been so far. Why not continue, with a renewed effort? I think I will. I'll try at least.

So, that's it in a nutshell. Welcome. This is my pitiful, wasted life.

"Remember Me": In Hindsight

Over the past 18 hours, I've been trying to sort through the mess the new Robert Pattinson film Remember Me has left of my head. As I was watching it, I was enjoying it. When it was over, I wasn't so sure any more. As the night wore on, and my mind kept running around, trying to make sense of what I'd seen, I started to like it again. I think. The surprise ending (which I will not give away) was screwing with me, making me think, which I suppose is a good thing. I even dreamed about it. I woke up, got ready for the day, and found myself thinking about it, still, on the drive to work (I was even running late because every time my cell phone alarm went off, my brain thought it was a text message from the main character Tyler Hawkins, haha). By the time I got to work, I liked the movie again. I even gave a positive review to a coworker.

Now, at 3:00 p.m. I'm starting to reconsider, again. On the surface, it had an interesting concept. Two college students who have both faced family tragedy in their lives tentatively begin a relationship, find they actually do like each other, and begin to fall in love. However, the very pretense that brought them together threatens to break them apart. Can they keep it together while also trying to salvage what's left of their families? I won't tell you the answer, but suffice it to say, the journey is entertaining, heartbreaking, and even, at times, insightful.

But was what I spent 2 hours watching last night really all that good? Sure, it had its moments. Sure, it was interesting to watch. I laughed in the appropriate spots, and enjoyed the hell out of supporting character Aidan, Tyler's quirky binge-drinking roommate played by Tate Ellington (who is adorable, and quite possibly my favorite part of the movie). I mean, there was definitely enough man-candy to go around. But, I also enjoyed the character of the littler sister, Caroline (Ruby Jerins), who, in a way, reminded me of myself at that age (only, honestly, like 57x more awesome!). But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't distracted by the fact that it was Robert freaking Pattinson in this movie. Poor guy. He is quite the distraction. Not because he's super handsome (though, admittedly, his is NOT bad to look at). It was more of the whole "oh my god, it's that guy who's on all the tabloids and whom virtually every female between the ages of 5 and 50 is in love with, myself included on certain days, etc." So, between the occasional sighing and giggling I heard coming from various directions, it was sometimes hard to get into the story.

Which brings me to that fact: the story. Rumor had it, it was based on a book, but a little googling tells me that it is, indeed, NOT. That's a shame because I was hoping maybe reading the book would help answer a few of the holes I felt were in the story-telling. Like I said, the relationship started of tentatively. It was almost awkward, forced. But I suppose it was believable, given that the whole thing was started as a scheme between the guys. You know, like how boys in movies do. That's all fine and good (though morally questionable, boys). But they never really mentioned it or came back to it until it was An Issue. The only allusion to it is a shake of Aidan's head on the night of Tyler and the girl's (whose name is Ally) second date. And I love Chris Cooper (who was Ally's father, Sgt. Neil Craig), and he played the character well, but I didn't believe the playful, dependent relationship between the cop father and struggling-to-find-herself daughter at the beginning of the movie. That felt forced. Maybe, then, it was Emilie de Ravin, though I don't know about that since she was fine the rest of the movie (not to mention pretty much rocks in LOST). I don't know. What was the problem then? I can't tell.

As the story went on, I became more comfortable with the characters and their situations and behaviors. I felt bad for them (and good for them) in all the right spots. But then, when Sgt. Craig comes around again, beats Tyler (again), and the aforementioned pretense is revealed, I felt very little as the characters seemingly overreacted and sent themselves into unnecessary pity-binges. Maybe I just expect too much maturity from the characters who are only supposed to be a couple of years younger than I; I don't know. But I guess it was alright; things started to pick back up (with a decidedly emotional display of brotherly love), so all was good.

But then came the ending. Ho. Ly. Shit. I wasn't expecting that. I'm not going to give it away, but it was jarring to say the least. I've heard a lot of people criticize the ending as a hokey attempt at a sort of sensationalism, an attempt to scare the audiences into submission and acceptance with their own fear. Now, now, before you think that zombies came out of nowhere, it was nothing like that. But once we figured out what was going to happen (which didn't fully occur to everyone until minutes before the end), I think it's safe to say the whole audience was a little shocked and pulled from the narrative.

There was a voice-over to the movie, over the last few minutes, but I couldn't tell you what he said. I heard his voice, but none of the words registered as my brain lost all ability to comprehend language. As it finally faded to black, my thoughts came back, and I was mad. I couldn't understand why they would give the movie that hadn't been that bad such a shitty ending. But then I started thinking about it. It shouldn't really have been that big of a surprise. They gave us all the necessary clues throughout the movie. Some may have needed more context clues than others, which is probably why it went on for so long, but it was all there. So, shocking yes, but out of nowhere? Not really. And the harder I thought about it, the more I tried to remember that final voice-over that my ears had chosen to ignore, I realized that it had to end this way to deliver that final message. And, in my opinion, it's a hell of a message.

So, will this film change your life? Probably not. But was it a good movie? I think I'm going to have to go with yeah, it was pretty good, all things considered. It had its faults, but the relationships, the heartfelt characters, and that crazy twist ending overshadowed most of the awkwardness to make a rather enjoyable (and intensely thought-provoking) experience.

Dilemma averted.

Read what this person had to say about the script back in April 2009: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/04/memoirs.html

Here is (I think... could be...) the final voice-over text: http://quote-book.tumblr.com/post/133682783/whatever-you-do-in-life-will-be-insignificant-but

Winner! Sort of.

Okay, so NaNoWriMo is finally over. And I won! Technically. I finished with 50,202 words, or somewheres about. I say technically because I had the correct amount of words, but I don't think there were very many good words in that bunch. Over all, just as predicted, this year's NaNo blew majorly, literarily speaking (I know that's not a word. But it fits haha). Since I finally submitted the manuscript to be counted on 11/30, I've been debating just deleting the entire thing. I don't particularly care about any of my characters, and nothing I wrote can't be recreated if needed, you know? Maybe I'll wait a bit on it.

As an official winner of NaNoWriMo this year, though, I am entitled to a free printed copy of my manuscript. I'm really torn between ignoring this, or submitting a previously written manuscript. They wouldn't know, unless they stalked down this blog, but the problem is that I also don't have any finished manuscripts at all. Why do I suck at finishing good things? I think I have until January to submit for "publication," so maybe I can work real quick to try to finish something. I don't know. I think they offered this last year too, and I completely ignored it. I guess nothing lost if I don't do it, right?

I just want to finish something. I guess I should get to work, eh? I need to stop reading fiction and start creating it!

Ugh.

NaNo Suckage. Lame.

There are 13 days left of NaNoWriMo, and I'm about 2k word shy of 30k. That means I have to write the remaining 22k in two weeks. This isn't unheard of. In fact, I think that's about on par. But, it just seems a little daunting when you put it like that. I can do it, though. I WILL do it.

Unfortunately, 2009 was another shit year for my NaNo. My plot is falling apart. My characters are constantly changing, though, I suppose that's not a bad thing. They're just not turning out as I had originally planned. For example, my main character Nina was supposed to become obsessed with a musician, and have to endure a mentally crushing blow when she finds out that he's actually dead, subsequently becoming even more obsessed with him as time goes on, falling deeper and deeper into an imaginary world to cope with her outside problems. I still think this is a fascinating idea, but she just isn't cooperating with me! I've tried, but she's just not obsessed. I can't force it on her. She likes him; that's for sure. But she just doesn't like him enough. Now, 28k into the novel, she's found out he's dead, and it's upsetting, but she's not crushed. I think it's because she developed another problem I didn't foresee when I started.

You see, dear reader(s), Nina is... well, I don't want to give it away. She's having to deal with things she had dreamed of having to deal with. It's tearing her apart, and sort of making her create this false facade, constantly distracting herself so she doesn't have to think or deal with it. I suppose she's sort of doing what I had intended her, just not with the intended object. Nina is all over the place, kind of. She's starting to deal with the situation, and you, as a reader, think she is, but she's not. We'll get to that in the next 22k.

My other character, though, is right on schedule. Willem is being a good boy, and is doing everything I had planned for him, except for speaking a foreign language. Willem is a teacher, so he was supposed to put phrases and words here and there because said language has become second nature to him. I've been able to put a few in there, but if I want to make my word count goals, I can't distract myself too much with translating and conjugating. I decided they'll have to go in there during National Novel Editing Month. *Sigh*

Other than the characters, I also feel like my plot is falling apart. One of my chronic issues is details and minutiae. I write too many and concentrate on them for so long, sometimes I forget to forward the plot with them. I linger. I suppose part of the problem could be my inability to let go. Maybe I don't want my characters' story to be done. I think this is why I have such a hard time with endings. Endings kill me. But I also have a hard time knowing when enough is enough, and it's time to move the story along. Like, I feel that Willem and Nina's story/ies should be much further along than what they are at 28k.

Ah, well. I guess the point isn't to make it great, but to get it down, right? I hope I can write more at lunch today. Maybe I'll be able to get back on track.

Wish me luck!

christina

Another NaNo Update

So, I'm about 8k words into this year's NaNo, and I'm already hitting a road block. This is not good. I've written everything I made notes on already. I'm having a hard time keeping it going without being boring. I kind of know what kinds of things are going to happen, but I feel like it's not quite the correct emotional time for the characters for the events to happen. One of the characters seems to be going correctly, but the other character... I know what I need to happen to her; I just can't quite seem to get her there. So I struggled for a while last night trying to come up with a way. I made a few more notes. Hopefully that'll help.

I don't think I told you much about it, so I'll fill you in a little. There are two main characters: Nina James and Willem Nathanson. Nina just got out of a really horrible, really ridiculous relationship. It ended... well, let's just say it did not end amicably. Willem is in a relationship and just moved to a new city to take a job as a teacher at a local high school. He likes his job, but his relationship may be on the rocks. The reader can't be sure since he doesn't talk much about his girlfriend, Gretchen. He does talk a lot about this mysterious girl he saw working at a record store. This would be Nina, though the reader hasn't been told his specifically. So, so far, he knows her, but she doesn't know him. They're going to interact soon, but I'm not there yet ;).

Oh, and the quirkiest part about it? The story is told as first person accounts, but you don't get to be inside the characters' heads in the traditional first-person method. Instead, the reader is a voyeur, overhearing conversations and reading blogs. So you only get stories from these two points of view. You never hear anything people say to them, and you only understand things they way they understand them outwardly. Nina's perspective is told solely from her blog. Though she's pretty candid, you have to imagine there are things she thinks that don't necessarily make the cut. Willem's perspective is told by things he says to his girlfriend (though you never hear her responses/comments), and the conversations he has with his dog, Seamus (who also never responds because he's a dog). The only story you get, is what they're willing to share. I think it's pretty cool.

Let's just hope I'll be able to make a story out of this. I haven't quite worked out how I'll relay the story once they actually meet. We'll see.

Until later,

christina

NaNo Countdown and Plan B (not the abortion drug)

Okay, so NaNoWriMo officially starts in 2 days. 2 days!! I haven't written any more to my plan in probably a week or so. Hopefully I have enough to get going. I feel like my plot is a little thin, and I don't know if I'll be able to keep it up. Only time (30 days to be exact) will tell. I keep seeing scenes in my head, but they can't come until later than where I am at in my planning, so I haven't developed them yet. Maybe I should just suck it up and not worry about chronological planning, which is how I tend to plan stories. Well, if I plan at all. I don't actually plan stories out very well, which is a shame because I bought new index cards just for that reason. They're still wrapped in their plastic wrap, haha. Ah, well. I'll just let the words flow out of me when the time comes.

Let's see, not much else is new. I'm trying to work on my Plan B in case this whole office thing stops suiting me. But I don't know if I really want/can go into many details. We (royal we) are still working on it. I'll update you when I can (all 1-2 of you haha).

That's all for now.
Christina

I'm famous! Not really. Maybe a little. No, probably not at all.

So, I don't know how I didn't realize that this was a blog-worthy development in my life until just now. Well, it's more of a moment than a development seeing as nothing has come of it except minimal bragging rights, haha. The story goes like this:

I think I've mentioned the website Television Without Pity before. It's kind of a database of show recaps. People get paid to write summaries of a bunch of shows. Not all shows on on there, but most of the big hitters like Lost, FlashForward, The Office, True Blood, Dexter, etc. are. You can even find recaps of some shows that are now defunct. In general, it's a pretty cool site. I am a frequent and avid reader of many of these recaps because they're snarky and insightful. These recappers notice things I don't, and as you may be aware, I notice a lot of ridiculous details.

Well, this past week while watching How I Met Your Mother, I actually noticed something the recapper had not. As I was watching the episode where Marshall and Lily are overbearing party hosts to a couples' night with Barney and Robin, I noticed something off about the calendar in Marshall's "It Was the Best Night Ever" video. The numbering was off for this week. I wondered via Twitter to recapper @CindyMcLennan why the dates were like that. She didn't know, but thought it peculiar enough to give me a shout-out in her recap. :D Eeee. I got name-checked on a website. That lots of people read. I'm famous, only not. At all. It's kind of like when I got honorable mention in that haiku contest for Psych haha. Ah, well. I still think it's cool. :) And now my fraction of a second of fame is immortalized forever in this post. And probably the TWoP archives. Provided they have archives...

I Need Sleep, And A Stronger Plot

I don't know why the pictures in that last post aren't working anymore. I'll have to go in and fix the link or something, I guess. Gosh, that's a pain in the butt.

Anywho, forgive me readers, for I have sinned: It's been 17 days since my last update. Damn. It actually feels like much longer than that, but it's probably just due to the fact that I feel like I'm constantly awake and moving around and through my life. It's only been a little over two weeks since that last post, but it feels like months. Maybe I don't get enough sleep. I sleep probably around 5 to 6 hours a night, which isn't too bad, I guess. Though I think I need a solid 7 or 8 hours to be fully functional. This could very well be the cause of my short attention span as of late.

If I'm asleep for 5-6 hours, that means I'm awake each day for 18-19 hours. I couldn't even begin to tell you what I do in those hours, minus the roughly 9-10 hours spent working and commuting. So 8-9 hours. What do I do with them? I have no clue. I feel like I'm losing this time. Obviously, yes, I am aware of those hours; I am awake during that time, but nothing useful ever seems to get done during that time. Whatever free time I have... I feel so unproductive. I think work is wearing me down. I need to take advantage of my vacation days.

One thing that is providing a break from the norm is the looming start of NaNoWriMo is roughly 20 days. Ack! 20 days?!? I have SO much more planning to do. Remember that little writing idea I alluded to probably a month or two ago? I decided I was going to use it as this year's NaNo. I'll at least get a jump start at it, and can continue editing and writing even after the month is over. So right now I'm in the midst of planning. I have encountered what could be a problem though. As I'm writing my outline, I'm finding that I don't know if the premise is entirely plausible. Well, it certainly is plausible, but I don't know if it'll "work," you know? I'm missing a meaty element to the story, and unless I figure that out, I'm fucked, just like last year.

You see, the story was supposed to be about a young woman's decent into obsession and unfounded, unrequited love. You see, the object of her affections has been deceased for 12 years. I'm not really sure how this is going to work. I did a bit of research on the psychology of fixation yesterday, and it's pretty interesting, but I might have a hard time turning it into a story. She's definitely fixated, but that can't be the whole story. There needs to be some conflict or something. Maybe some mental break. We'll see. I'll keep working on it. Can't wait until November when I can actually start writing it!

Also, in music news: I've acquired a few more Jeff Buckley CDs. So far, "Sketches for 'My Sweetheart The Drunk'" is insanely good. It's really upsetting that it had to be posthumously released, but the fact that they didn't do any overdubbing and released the tracks exactly as they were left make it so insightful. There are a few moments in the tracks that were rough drafts that are funny and silly. They're raw, and I like that. I have a couple others that I haven't listened to yet, but I'm excited to crack open that cellophane!

Until next time, dear readers... :)