I want...

*Sigh* I'm so drained. I seriously feel like i have no energy to do anything. I think I may need Zoloft or something, haha. I kind of feel like I have more motivation to work than I did, say, a month ago, but still I don't want to do anything.

That's a lie. I just don't want to go to school anymore. I want to work and make money. That's what I want to do. I want to write. I want to get published. I want to report and review things. I want to have an editorial job at a newspaper or something. I want to write a column for a magazine. I want to freelance. I want to travel. I want to buy CDs. I want to listen to music. I want to meet new people. I want to fall in love. With someone who loves me back. In a way that's more than a friend. I want to be happy. I want to be wealthy. I want to have children. I want to go to shows. I want to have a house. I want to be able to enjoy my life.

I don't want to deal with this bullshit anymore.

Sometimes I fall into this rut (and it extremely painful for me to mention this) and I get this feeling that no one really likes me. Why does that happen? I start to question my friendships, every acquaintance...ship... Do they really like me? Or are they just too nice to not tell me to go away? So I test people. I say self-depricating things, even though I know it's not appealing. Whatever. But you know what, whenever my fears are cast aside with a nice comment from someone who's time and conversation and thoughts and life I cherish... it does make me feel better. As long as what they say is true... which is hard to tell, I guess. But I suppose there are other things that should tell me that i'm not just a person that's tolerated, but actually a person who is liked. For example, prolonged conversation, prompt responses to emails, kind smiles, gifts and recommendations of things they think I might like. These things make me feel good.

But sometimes I lose hold of those things.

I think it's because I'm a bit of a recluse. And it's not just that I'm a recluse. It's that I'm in college, the time when I should (ostensibly) be friends with everyone, getting drunk, passing out and waking up in the bed of a stranger, in a room I don't know, lost somewhere on campus, a certifiable slut... b/c, after all, isn't that what you're supposed to do in college? I can't do those things though. So I'm a recluse, with no car, trapped in the top of a tower, with only my music and my SHITTY COMPUTER THAT NO LONGER BURNS CDs.... sonofabitch!

I feel better now. I've vented...

P.S.- Second Annual National Haiku Month starts tomorrow! And when I say "national" I mean "Christina National" which means basically that I made it up. But so if you want me to send you one Haiku, written by yours truly, each day of April, let me know and I'll add you to the email list!

Samples:
Small, bright flower bud
One day you'll be a flower
You fit up my nose.

Steroids beef you up
Your muscles are super huge!
But your nuts are gone.

Soo sleeeeeepy

Man, I am really tired. I have no idea why. I went to bed... gosh... I don't know maybe around like 1:30 or 2. And then I got out of bed at 10:45ish. One would think that after 8 hours I'd be ready to go. However, this does not happen often. I can only really sleep throughout the night when I'm sick. This seems opposite to me. On any given night I wake up about a jillion times. The first time I woke up last night was 3:49 am. I ventured to the bathroom and climbed back into bed. I awoke again approximately 3 hours later. And then 45 minutes after that (when I thought that it was after 1 when, in fact, it was only just after 7, but my alarm clock is at an annoying angle where i can't tell the 1 from the 7 -- also, it's digital... so I'm not that big of an idiot, haha). And then about 40 minutes after that. And then 30 minutes after that. Each time I woke up I had this horrible feeling that someone was trying to get me out of bed. It was some girl; I don't know who. I don't even know why she was trying to get me out of bed. I was able to sleep for almost 2 hours after that last time I woke up, but then I swear it was like every 10 to 20 minutes after that, until I was just fed up and got out of bed.

I freakin' hate when that happens. I don't know what my problem is.

But then I just lounged around half asleep for most of the day. At about 2:30 I almost fell asleep. It was like I was suddenly narcoleptic. I was perfectly fine, but then I was almost fully asleep. But then I woke up a little when I decided to walk down to Blockbuster. So I came back, grabbed some dinner and watched one of the movies I rented (Oh, man, Just Friends is hilarious! It made me laugh out loud several times, and even made me make a couple involuntary honk/grunt/hard laughs. Oops, haha. It was good. Cute.). But now I feel totally drained again. I can barely keep my eyes open as I type this. And it's only 8:10...

I haven't even been awake for 12 hours...

Alright well... just felt like sharing. I'm off... to do... something...

P.S. - Coldplay are in East Rutherford right now. I am not. This makes me immensely sad. But it's okay. Someday Chris Martin and I are going to have a child. And we will name it Orange... or Banana... I haven't decided which yet...

Classical music notes

This is what I do when I find candy that I don't like in the vending machine:

I eat all the reds (and in this case purples too) and then play with the others. How old am I? It is pretty though...


Oh well, I felt like posting again because I'm bored and really don't feel like doing work right now. At 8, Breanne and I attended this classical music concert by a man whose name I cannot remember and don't care enough about to look up. For over 2 hours we sat there... not really paying attention. Instead we held a very in depth conversation entirely on notebook paper (and before that, on the back of some notes on how to write a case brief i found in my media law text book). I don't know if I've ever had such an enlightening conversation about relationships and love before. I think it might have been the music. I was able to explain the phenomenon of the "electric spark" and not only have someone know what I was talking about, but also have them reaffirm the sense of awe I have of it (it's when you're having a conversation with someone and one of you says something that just sends this "electric spark" that punches you in the chest. You can't breathe for a second, and everything stops. You both stop talking, and you just stare at each other for what seems like eternity. But then one of you starts talking again and suddenly you can breathe. It's wonderful, haha). She told me about unrequited love and how much it hurts to love someone so much, but have them keep themselves from feeling anything at all, even love.

It's one thing to read about people telling things like this (so I don't know if this really means much to any of you reading this), but it's another thing to have the person tell you personally what they're feeling. And not typed or read off a computer screen, but hand written in front of you. Where you can see how long it takes them to write it down, how the words flow from their pen as they're reliving the memory right then and there inside their head. You may get the same story from reading or hearing words... but you never truly understand until you can watch them work. It made me start thinking...

That's why I've always wanted to watch someone write a song. Songwriters are among the bravest people I can think of. They write down their emotions for everyone to hear. And even though you're not there to see them scribble down the words as they race through their head, grabbing anything that'll make a mark, grabbing anything that has space left to write even a letter, there is always the music (the soulful part). And I feel that it acts like the rush you get from watching someone recall a personal memory.

You know how when you see a musician perform a song whose content you know is personal and painful, and you don't quite know who or what specifically they're talking about, but you understand anyway? When you watch a musician perform a song that's so emotionally draining that you feel out of breath by the time it's over?

I did that once. I once watched a musician perform such a song and realized, at the end of the song, that I had been holding my breath for the last couple verses. My chest hurt and I was out of breath. I took a couple unsteady breaths in, just to get back to my regular breathing pattern. I felt awful.

The song was amazing.

That's why I love to watch people. Watching ranges of emotion is one of the purest ways you can get to know someone. Watching them create something, watching them present something that they've poured themselves into. Sometimes I sit back and forget about all the stupid people in the world, and am just in love with everyone, and amazed at all the personalities that coexist.

Perhaps that's a little existential. But I don't care. It's late...

Change is good...

Yeah, so I've decided to rename my blog. I don't feel like being angsty anymore. And my old title was seriously angsty. As is my url... which i should change by the way... i think i will...

i'm done. i'm tired of being bored. i'm tried of being bored with my life. I want some real adventure, dammit. I cannot wait until April 5th. I'm going to a seminar called "Covering the Music Scene." One of my favorite authors, Chuck Klosterman, is one of the speakers. Soooo excited. Seriously. I have no words. I can't even control myself. I am totally bringing one or all of his books that i own to try get him to sign them (I don't care how big a dork you think i am, Breanne. haha). I love Chuck Klosterman... well not in the sense that i'd want to marry him or have x number of his children, but oddly enough, I can relate to him. Even though he's 13 years older than I am, I can relate to him better than I can relate to some people my own age.

Is that weird? I don't think so. I seem to get along fairly will with that demographic.

But no, I love Chuck because, as corny as this sounds, he kind of gave me direction in life. I never knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life, but after reading his book Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, I knew. Honestly, I'm still not totally positive, but because of that book, I have a pretty good idea. I recently finished reading another of his books called Killing Yourself to Live and it was probably one of the best books I've ever read. It's smart, funny, and is wonderfully quirky. It reads the way I think: slightly disjointed, occasionally losing the main idea, but always coming back to it eventually, usually with some new understanding of it. It's also extremely conversational, which I love. That's the way I write. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but he kind of helped me find my voice.

Now if only I could find an opportunity to use it....

In Music News: I'm still in love with Chris Whitley, though i think I need to find new material. I was recommended a couple more of his albums to check out, but I don't know how I'm going to do that seeing as I'm afraid to shop online (it's a complex really... it's sad), and I don't have quick access to a used (or otherwise) record store. If anyone has any of his albums that I could borrow, let me know. Thanks:)

Springy Break

So I'm back from Spring Break now. I'm happy. It was so much better than last year's. In fact, a lot of things are better than they were a year ago. I've just spent the last hour or so reading my other blog that I used to update a lot. I was reading back entries, from this summer all the way back to February of last year. My goodness, a lot has changed. Are there more things going good in my life, or has a year really affected my personality so drastically? Reading all those entries from approximately a year ago makes me feel sorry for myself. Probably because almost all the entries were about being depressed and remembering when I was 15 and contemplating suicide. I mean, I still get depressed. But now I feel like it's for different reasons, and I haven't been depressed for a couple months (I think I get depressed about the winter months now).

But I have a lot of things to not be depressed about in my life now, I guess. This spring break I got 4 really great albums. Right now I'm listening to Jack Johnson's On and On. It's really good. Ever since that dream that I had a while ago, I've been listening to more Jack. Pandora.com is amazing. And so is my other Pandora... my friend over at Manifest. He recommended (read: handed me) another really good CD. It's this guy named Chris Whitley (who is dead now I think). It's kinda rock-y, blues-y sort of. It's one guy, a mic, and his guitar (and sometimes banjo). The liner notes also credit to him the "foot stomp". I really like the first track called "Scrapyard Lullaby." It reminds me of someone else, but I can't quite put my finger on it. It's the kind of music that makes you want to accompany Mr. Whitley on the foot stomp. I also really like track #4, "Wild Country." I'm not sure why, but it makes me sad. And makes me think of Charlotte. Probably because Whitley talks about "returning to the wild where I'm from." And I guess Charlotte's pretty wild... and it is where I'm from. Nostalgia, maybe? I don't know. But it's a good song. Check it out: Chris Whitley, Dirt Floor.

Also, saw Bain Mattox again. It was so great. Like an hour and a half of the Bain. Ooooh, wonderful. They're so high energy, it's great. I love when Mr. Mattox dances around the stage with his accordion. I also enjoyed the fellas' tribute to Tom Petty, especially when Bain, Chris and Mike jumped down from the stage to mingle with the crowd (aww, poor Rivers and Andy with their stationary instruments.. hehe... i like Rivers... he kinda reminds me of Peter Krause). Then Bain jumped up on a stool and was playing. That was pretty sweet. Haha.

I just hung out a lot, watched a couple movies, had some fun conversations. Just generally had a good time.

I'm so glad I'm in a better place than I was a year ago.

Blah...

Howdy, folks! It's now less than 2 days before I get to go home for Spring Break. Woo hoo! Also it's sleeting! Awesome! Snow during Spring Break... it's a northern thing, apparently. Mmmm Charlotte. I hear that it's supposed to be like highs of 50 the entire break. Sweet! Warm! hahaha. Ah, Jersey and its cold weather.

Also, you know what Spring Break means. Well, that too. But it also means that the semester is almost over. Waaaa! Where did it go? That means that I have to look for a job for the summer this week. Why this week? So I beat all the stupid high school kids. Hopefully my plan will work. I don't know though. I'm sorta worried about that. Also, I might try to get another internship. Or maybe I'll just start freelancing to a newspaper or something. Gosh, I don't even know what I'm going to do. But I've been reading a lot of Chuck Klosterman lately... and that only gives me ideas.

I also think that reading a lot of an author and then trying to write a paper for class is a bad idea. I found myself adopting his style in a paper I wrote just yesterday for one of my classes. It's not bad. It's just kinda sarcastic. I made some comment about how a book we had to buy for class didn't feel like a textbook in as much as it wasn't written like one, but as far as it being required reading, that's another story. I worded it differently, I'm sure. But it reminded me of Chuck. Whatever, he's my hero, hahaha. And I get to see him on April 5th! Yay!!! Exxxxcccciiiitttteeedddd!!!!!!

::Deep Breath:: Welp, I don't really have much more to say that's substantial (not that what I ever write here is especially). So I'm going to go do some Sudoku... hahaha...