And three months later, I reappear. That seems to be the typical pattern around here. I just wish that I actually could disappear for three months at a time. The sad truth is that I have been here all along; I just haven't had anything to say. I started writing a post a couple months ago, but gave up and saved it as a draft. About a month later, I came back to it, wrote a bit more, but then gave up again. It's still there, sitting as a draft, but I don't now how to finish it. That also seems to be the typical pattern around here. I work toward something, and then I just let it go.
I've noticed that more and more often I'm forgetting things. I forget what I'm doing or the things I wanted to do. I forget to write emails and make phone calls. I forget to deposit money and pay bills. I forget that I've been wearing the same shirt since yesterday. I forget to brush my hair. I'm becoming a senile old woman and I'm still 71 days shy of my 23rd birthday.
I'm not creative anymore. I can't write. I can't bring myself to create anything new. I can't think. It's like my creativity has left my body. I don't know when it's going to come back, but I desperately wish it would. I want to be able to create something new. I want to create and sell and make some money. I want a hobby again. But every time I indulge in something that used to be a hobby, I feel guilty about it. Like I shouldn't be doing it. I shouldn't be reading; I shouldn't be writing. Aren't there more important things that I should be doing? Like finding a job?
Oh, I'm trying, but nothing has happened yet. I'm beginning to think that my years-old joke is actually true: I'm terminally unhireable. For whatever reason. No one wants me to work for them. There's something about me that employers don't like. I haven't quite figured out what it is though. I've had interviews, but they always end up with the same shit: "We agree that you are very qualifed, and we would like you to work here... but we're not able to offer you a position at this time" or something like that. You can't offer me a position? Then why the fuck did you waste your time interviewing me, huh? Someone needs to give me a job before I do something drastic.
I think another big part of the problem is that I'm in Jersey. I hate Jersey. I always have. If I could do college over again, I probably wouldn't pick Seton Hall. It sucks because I wouldn't have met the great people that I met, but maybe I'd actually have a job now. Or maybe I wouldn't have student loans. Or maybe I would be happy and things would have just turned out differently. I wish I lived in Charlotte. I want to move back almost as much as I want my creativity back. I want things to be the same as they were before, but I know that's not realistic.
I miss everyone from my previous life. There are some great people in the one I have now, but it's the life I don't want, not the people. I want my old one back, and all the people that come with it. I want to go on a vacation, but my bank account and unemployment status are seeing to it that I can't. I just want things to be different. I think the reason that I've been living in my new apartment/house for 2 months already but still haven't unpacked all my stuff is that I wish I wasn't here. I don't know what to do anymore.
