Long, but perhaps useful...:)

I haven't blogged in a long time, so I thought up a topic and was going to write about it here. It was kinda depressing, but what did I care; I'm depressed about 20-50% of the time anyway. But the topic wasn't really going to be about depression, but more about how I cure my depression. And now after thinking about and actually taking in my cure, I'm no longer depressed, so I don't even want to talk about being depressed. Heh. Go figure. My cure worked once again.

But now you might be wondering what my cure is, so I guess I'll indulge. What I use to cure depression is an everyday item. I'm sure all of you have some of it in your your house right now. I'm sure that all of you have purchased some at some point in your life. *Shifty eyes* And I bet you've stolen some too. Go on, admit it. You have. I have. So what? Wanna make something of it? Come on! Let's take this outside! Sometimes I even buy it, use what I need, and return it. Heh. I got $4.80 of store credit the last time I did that. And then I bought more of my cure (but that cure ended up being rotten and cut to pieces, and really wasn't that enjoyable, but I still think I'm going to keep it...). So what is my cure, you ask? Come on, this is me we're talking about....

Turns out my depression cure-all is music. Turns out I've been using it for this purpose for years, but didn't realize it until Sunday. I suppose I always did know about it, but not in the way that I realized I do. You see, the whole story begins about 5 years ago. I was about to be a sophomore in a new high school because the school board is retarded and decided to bus kids all over town so they could go to their "home" schools, so I was about to leave a bunch of new friends, teachers and clubs behind to start anew. Mind you, this new school was in the ghetto, and despite the reassuring fact that my friend told me I could "pass for Mexican," I did not want to subject myself to the perils of life in the ghetto.

And to top it all off, I was 15. And I'm sure most, if not all, of you reading this remember what it was like to be 15. Puberty and hormones are the devil. Anyway, I was chronically depressed. Every single day of my miserable little life was like awakening to a dark cloud filled with acid rain. Undiluted. I didn't know what the hell I was going to do with my life. I didn't really even want it anymore. And I was seriously contemplating giving it back. One fateful day I bought a CD with a song that changed my life. Listening to "Drive" by Incubus (on Make Yourself) over and over again made me realize that maybe if I WAS the one behind the wheel of my life then maybe I could make it find direction. Maybe I could take control of my life instead of waiting for it to take control of me. I had never really looked for messages in music before. Or at least I had never found any like this.

And you know what? 2 months later I had my first boyfriend. I was down a pants size. And I was actually happy. Ever since that day music has been my saving grace. I never realized what a good friend it could actually be. If that summer had turned out differently, I would never have known Josh Rouse, who made me realize all this in the first place (and who i've decided is going to have at least one of my babies, haha). I would never have known Bain Mattox or my musician friend, both of whom also mean A LOT to me. I would never have met some of my best friends in the world, and the one I already knew, I wouldn't have known as well. I'm not claiming to be free of depression. God knows I have my days. But without having music that affects me, that speaks to me (like Josh's or Bain's), I dont' know what I would do. To quote something I wrote on Sunday on the topic: "We all have problems, every day of our lives. But without a special friend, who sometimes empowers or inspires or depresses or makes you have these sorts of epiphanies, life would be a lot worse."

That's why I'll always hold a special place in my heart for Brandon Boyd of Incubus (for saving my life Summer '01), Bain Mattox (for saving my sanity in November '05), and Red Perspective (for saving my life and sanity after the death of my dorm neighbor March '05). And of course Josh Rouse (for making me realize how much I appreciate my life).

Music is my cure-all. A good melody and some good lyrics are all I need....



(sorry, it's a lot longer and slightly more depressing than I had anticipated. And perhaps a little hard to follow. But if you're reading this blog, you should know and love Christina logic by now, haha :P ).