I just felt like bloggin'.....

That title is funniest when said in a Forrest Gump voice, hehe.

But seriously, I did. It's approximately 1:14am and I'm not tired at all. Maybe because I woke up at like 11:30. I try not to wake up that late, but I can't help it. But I feel like my entire day is gone if I wake up after noon. It really sucks. Haven't been up to much. On Friday, Alison, Mary Ann and I went to see my musician friend play at this wine shop in the university area. He was pretty good. I told him to play Josh Rouse and he played my favorite song. That made me extremely happy. I told him to play more Josh Rouse when I talked to him between sets, but he forgot. It was okay though because he played my other requests: Damien Rice, The Fray, and an original song called "Grace" that I am absolutely in love with. It's sad and heartfelt. It's wonderful to see/hear performed. Unfortunately it was hard to enjoy it because I could tell my friends were getting antsy and wanted to leave; we had been there for over 4 hours already, hahaha. Plus the rest of the crowd was getting loud and drunk and annoying (stupid whores, hahah). Also, for reasons unknown, we plunked down at a table kinda far away from him. So that kinda sucked. I promised him next time we'd sit closer; he wants our applause to spread to the rest of the crowd so that they pay attention to him, hahaha. Or at least more attention. Oh well. Next time I'll sit closer.

Saturday was Alison's surprise birthday party. Her birthday isn't until today (Tuesday), but it was the weekend, so we had it. It was kinda cool. I'd never been to a surprise party before. Her parents planned it; but my job was to get a group of friends there. Mary Ann helped, haha. It was really cute. Alison was really surprised; she had no idea. The beginning of the party was kind of emotional, haha. It was sweet and fun. Afterwards a few of us ventured on to the movies where we saw You, Me & Dupree. It was kind of a feel good movie, haha. It was cute actually. Is it just me, or does Owen Wilson play fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants characters every time? Oh well, he's good at it, heh. It really was a cute movie. Kate Hudson is my girl crush. I love her. Hahaha. I want to be her when I grow up :P

Also, I finally found a creative outlet. I could feel this need for creativity building up for a couple weeks now. I try to write more to my story when I feel that, but it didn't work this time. I bought a sketchbook and some very nice color (or "colour" according to the box) pencils and started to draw. So far it's just a couple pics of Chris Martin of Coldplay. The first one I did was pretty good, if I may say so myself. But the second one is not so good. The black charcoal pencil smeared a little more than I anticipated so now his face is gray-peach, haha. It's not that great; I didn't even really finish it because I couldn't get rid of the gray. His mustache is not done, his nose looks funny, and he looks bald, haha. Oh well. The first one is pretty life like though, I guess. I'll continue to attempt to master my nonskills. Doesn't really matter though; it's only for entertainment.... and cheap gifts, haha....

Six-pack o' Nothin'

Not a whole lot to report over here. Still not being honest (see previous entry) about certain things, haha. Maybe at some point this summer. We'll see. *Sigh* Heh.

I've been having these weird dreams lately. They're not really weird in that the plot of the dream is weird; just that each one involves a different guy, and heavy flirting. One of them was about Josh Meyers, the dude from MadTV. Just a lot of flirting... I don't remember much else. Another one was about this kid Greg who lived on my floor freshman year, dubbed "The Most Gorgeous Boy in the World" by yours truly. Just a lot of hugging, cuddling and flirting. Mary Ann woke me up from that dream. Dammit. Then there was one about my German teacher from high school, Mr. Land. Oh, Mr. Land.... *drools*. More flirting, talking. He was hot. It was nice, haha. And then I think there was one about he-who-shall-not-be-named, hahah :). More of the same. Then last night I had this weird dream about this other kid Marko who used to go to school with me. This one had a heavier mood than the others; he was meaner to me, and there was really no flirting... though he let me stay at his place while he was gone (haha?). I think I'm over-sexed. Or under-sexed. One of them. Hahaha... but ooh... those were some gorgeous men in my dreams, hahaha.

In Music News: I'm still obsessed with Josh Rouse. He's virtually all I've listened to for 3 weeks. The compilation CD my friend made me has been spinning almost constantly in my car. The only time it's not in there is when another Josh Rouse cd (1972) is playing. Or when my friend is in fact playing, haha. But seriously, I wish I had known about this guy sooner. I don't use this phrase often, but I think his music is potentially life changing. Seriously. I can't even count how many times I've listened to "Comeback" these past few weeks. And now I've discovered a new song. It's called "Its the Nighttime." I haven't even formulated words for it yet. But let me put it this way. I wish that someone would sing it to me. Perhaps even he-who-shall-not-be-named, hehehe. :D

Poignant Quotes...

I love to read. And more than anything else, I love to take pieces of philosophy from the books I read and write them down so that I never forget them. I recently found an old notebook I use to write down such quotes and other moving passages (usually song lyrics). I haven't opened it in months, so I started reading some of the quotes I've taken from books that I thought were so insightful. Here are a few:

"And maybe you don't go to hell for the things you do. Maybe you go to hell for the things you don't do." -- Lullaby, Chuck Palahniuk, p. 175.

"Game shows are designed to make us feel better about the random, useless facts that are all we have left of our education." -- Invisible Monsters, Chuck Palahniuk, p. 103

"When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves." Invisible Monsters, p. 104

"What you don't understand you can make mean anything." Diary, Chuck Palahniuk, p. 134

"According to Plato, we don't learn anything. Our soul has lived so many lives that we know everything. Teachers and education can only remind us of what we already know." Diary, p. 188.

"Why is it that you feel like a dope if you laugh alone, but that's usually how you end up crying?" Invisible Monsters, p. 121

Okay, so most of them are from the same author, haha. But I don't think that makes them any less true or even jarring. That last one is especially telling. Why is it that we often just cry by ourselves? Perhaps it's just ingrained in our minds to be strong and not let others see our weaknesses. I never understood that ideal. I think that if everyone was as open with each other as we are with ourselves we'd have a lot more happiness in this world (not to sound all hippie-y or anything). If we could tell each other the truth, the truth of what we are feeling... there'd be less pain. I mean, obviously, yes there would be. But if little Billy could just tell his mommy that he broke the window, he wouldn't have to see her afraid of burglars. Or if Cindy could tell anyone about what Old Man Jenkins does to her behind the barn, she wouldn't hate herself quite as much..... If I only could tell him that I think he's talented, intelligent, kind, attractive, and all-around wonderful, maybe then he could let go and allow himself to open up a little more. And then maybe I wouldn't feel so nervous around him.

*sigh* if only we could be honest, eh? Heh.... ;)

God, I hope he never reads this.... hahahaha.... or figures out I'm talking about him.... *embarrassed* hahaha:)

I Don't Get It...

What is going on with the world? Like two weeks ago a kid I went to elementary school and middle school (i'm not sure where or if he went to high school) died of a brain aneurysm. He was like my age. Then like a week later I found out a friend from school's father died. Then last week one of our soccer players died. She sat next to me in Great Books I spring semester of freshman year. It's almost getting to the point that it's freaking me out.

And to top it all off I had a dream that my friend's car (and house? heh...) was stolen. A few months ago his car was stolen... and that was after my dream that his car BLEW UP. What the hell is going to happen now? I swear to God, if his car blows up..... :( x 1000 Just my mass confusion with the world, I guess.

In lighter news, I'm still in love with the Josh Rouse compilation my friend (the car friend, actually) made me. He also let me borrow his Death Cab dvd "Directions." It's a collection of 13 videos directed by different directors (hence the title) for all the songs on their latest album Plans, plus 2 bonus songs. It was pretty interesting actually. A few of the videos were really weird and I didn't understand at all (and I pretend to be pretty arty). Others were genius, like the ones for "Different Names for the Same Thing" and "Someday You Will Be Loved." And the video for "Crooked Teeth" was histerical.They were amusing, disturbing, depressing and moving (especially "What Sarah Said"... i felt on the verge of tears). It was interesting and worth the watch, but if you can find someone who owns a copy I suggest you borrow it, but I wouldn't necessarily suggest you buy it.



(Please, Friend's Car... don't mess with me....)

Jeez, Christina. Take Forever!

Well well well... it's been for-freaking-ever, eh? In the past few weeks, I really haven't done much. I wish I had more to say about my life, but it's kind of hard to put enough words together to make anything remotely coherent and interesting when you don't have a life to begin with. I'm currently self-employed. Unfortunately, I don't ever get paid... my boss is a bit of a bitch... but there is a bit of a cash flow problem within the company, so I guess I can't really complain. I mean, I did agree to work for free for a little while. I should really look for another job though...

I have taken up yoga these past couple weeks. I've only been to a handful of classes, but so far I like it. Hopefully I'll be able to maintain going there, even with my cash flow problem. I'm taking what the studio calls "Hot Flow" which is basically yoga in a 90+ degree (F) room for 60 to 90 mins. Sometimes it can get up to like 110 degrees. It's a killer. But when that first bead of sweat rolls off your face onto your mat, you know it's worth it. It's cleansing, releasing. The instructors always talk about how certain poses and postures are emotional, and how yoga is a very emotional ordeal for some people. I thought that was kind of weird, until last friday when we were quietly meditating at the end of class and I inexplicably wanted to cry. I didn't actually start, but I could feel it building up in my sinuses. It was bizarre... and yet refreshing. I wish I had taken up yoga a long time ago. Sometimes in class I feel like I'm going to vomit and/or pass out. But when I'm done, and I've showered off all my toxins (hehe) I feel great. A bit tired with a bit of a headache... but just great. And it's good for me too... go figure:P

In Music News: So I got my friend to burn me a CD of this guy Josh Rouse he's been telling me to check out. I gots to conserve money, so I made the very difficult decision to not buy CDs right now (even used) if i've never heard the artist before. So I told my friend to burn me copies of the Josh's CDs. He then offered to burn me his Josh Rouse Compilation. So I gladly accepted (b/c hey, it's better than nothing... and it was free... except for the gas I had to use to go get it... both the time i actually picked it up and the time he had forgotten to make it so I stayed to talk for a few mins anyway, haha). ANYWAY, Josh Rouse. Hoh, my God. WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN?!?!?!? This CD is so wonderful. It has songs from a few of Rouse's albums, I guess my friend's favs or something, and it's all I've been listening to since I picked it up yesterday afternoon. At first only a few of the songs were catching me... but then I took a closer listen and I'm addicted to most of them on here now. All of the songs on the burned CD are from albums released within the past decade, but there's an older feeling to Rouse's music. It refreshing when all you hear lately is "Junk" Punk and "Crap" Rap (nicknames mine) like AFI or any of the hacks who think they're rappers. I'm so tired of this craze. Much of Rouse sounds like it's out of the seventies. A couple songs are reminiscent of the disco era (as reminiscent as anything can be to someone who never actually LIVED the disco era). Overall, it's great. I'm in love with the song "Comeback (light therapy)." I've listened to it at least 20 times today. You should check it out.

That's really about it... hopefully the next time I blog won't take 3 weeks, but no guarantees. Until then....

Song Headaches suck :(

I'm really tired, but I can't sleep. I want to go to sleep. But I can't. I can't explain it either. All I have to do is turn off the light, and lie down quietly, and try to relax. But I know I won't be able to relax. And I'm not even sure what my problem is. It's not like I'm doing anything important. My mind is plagued, I guess.

I can't even tell you by what. I know... but I'm not going to tell you, haha. So I'm going to be cryptic: There's this song that I can't get out of my head. I sing it every day while watching tv, going out around town, whoring around on myspace. Even in weird situations where thinking about the song is not appropriate. I wish that I could get rid of this song-headache, but nothing seems to cure me. Maybe if I find another song, but I don't care about other songs. This song is my favorite. Even when I'm driving, i'm looking around at different cars wondering if they know my song too. If they've heard it before. If they are as obsessed with it as i am. I wish that I wasn't. It pisses me off, quite frankly. I tell myself not to think about the song, but I can't seem to forget it. It just keeps looping and looping in my head. I hear it on my iPod, and on my computer, and I wonder when the next time I'll get to hear it performed in person will be.

And yet, I wish that I could just stop thinking about this freaking song for one minute. For one day, I want to not have to go through the lyrics and the information I'm gleaning about its meaning. I want to be devoid of this song. I constantly tell myself that I'm a fool for thinking about it so much, and there's no reason for me to be, but I never seem to listen. I just laugh it off, and go back to thinking about it, to singing it, to wondering about it. Sometimes I think that I've over-analyzed it, over-analyzed my experiences with it. I'm a fool and I'm making up stories. I have to get a grip and find a new song. A song for my generation, as it were. But I haven't cared for these kinds of songs in so long. I live in the past (and sometimes in a past that I barely remember, if i've lived it at all). This particular song has been around for longer than I have, but I fell in some form of love with it from the first time I heard it about 4 or so years ago.

Slowly, over time and over multiple listens, I think I've fallen in love with it. Or at least with the version I understand. I KNOW there is more to it than I'm gathering, but it's hard to truly and fully understand without an explanation, without a guided tour, if you will. But you know what, dammit? I WANT a guided tour. I do. I want one. I want to be able to understand this song as fully as it's humanly possible to understand. It intrigues me so. And yet I know that I need to let it go.

But I don't want to. In case I DO finally get that guided tour....

And this is why I am left awake at 3am. What the hell is wrong with me??

[I know that was kind of confusing, but I suppose it makes sense to those whom it's supposed to make sense...]

A whole lotta nothin'

I know it's been forever since I've updated this thing; I just haven't really had anything newsworthy to report. In fact, I still don't have anything newsworthy to report. I have been home for like 3 weeks, and I haven't really done anything. I have an unpaid internship (for now, haha stupid school), so I need a job. I've been to not even a whole music show yet, which is insane if you know me. I've been to 3 movies (American Haunting [awful], Failure to Launch [cute, but not the best romantic comedy ever], and The DaVinci Code [like the book, only shorter and less fun b/c there is less explanation and less time to figure out the puzzles for yourself]).

Also, I've filled up my gas tank 3 times and have spent countless dollars on stuff I probably don't need. For instance, 4 pairs of shoes, hahaha. I'm surprised I haven't bought any new purses yet seeing as I'm such a bag hag, too, haha. But one pair is by far my favorite. The brand is called RocketDog. I've heard of them before, but I don't know what any of the other shoes look like. These are wonderful. They have elastic bands instead of laces, and they look really rugged. The store had them in 4 colors, and totally contrary to my normal personality, I bought the most colorful of them! They're so comfortable. I'm such a girl, hahah. Ahhh... love them so much. I wonder what other kinds of shoe they make, hahaha...

Ah, well... that's really about it... oh, i also read the entire PostSecret book in the store a couple weeks ago. I've been trying to think of some good secrets... anyone wanna have a secret party?:P

Why does this not surprise me?

"Veteran glam rocker GARY GLITTER, who was recently sentenced to three years in a Vietnamese prison for child molestation, will appeal in Ho Chi Minh City on May 19th. The disgraced sixty-one-year-old Brit, born Paul Francis Gadd, denies that he committed lewd acts with the girls, 10 and 11, involved in the case, maintaining he is a victim of a British tabloid conspiracy. Glitter was apprehended for his current sentence last November boarding an international flight out of the country. He also served two months in British prison for a 1999 child pornography possessions charge . . . "

I remember seeing one of his CDs in a record store over a year ago, and he gave me the creepiest vibe ever. This man terrifies me. And that paragraph made me giggle. What a demented freak. Oh man.... *shakes head*

Lottery Commercial

This post isn't really substantial, but I felt like sharing. So you guys know the NY lottery commercials (sorry folks not in the NY area, but it doesn't really matter)? There are a few... but I'm here to tell you about my favorite one. And I don't care if the story ends up being a "you had to be there" kind of story, because regardless, it makes me giggle. Hehehe...

Okay, so there's this couple in their apartment and a bunch of money just drops from the sky. The lady's like "should we go out and get it?" and the guy is like "nah. it looks like only 7 or 8 million. we should wait and see if more falls." And they wait for like 2 seconds. Then cut to this guy who reminds me of Hurley on Lost. I think this guy was in that movie Taxi with Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifa... the bad guy i think... kinda chubby, curley hair. Anyway, so camera cuts to him. And he's like:
"MMMMOOONNNNEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!"
And then like all these people come out of the woodwork and pick up all the money, and the original couple is all like "oh... dammit." And then it's something like "blah blah blah ny powerball don't let it pass you by" or something like that...

But hahahahahaha.... that money part does it for me everytime! Oh man. Woo! "Monneeeeeeeyyyyyy!" Hahaha. It's the best part.... Alright... i'm okay, hehe...

Just thought I'd share... :P

Britney Spears, Part Deux

Alright, I'll admit it: Britney Spears brings me much joy in life.

She so stupid, my sides hurt.

In an attempt to make sure her baby Sean Preston is kept safe, she fired her nanny. She's very distraught over her son's falling on his head. She's been "in hiding and depressed" apparently because of this. As you can clearly tell by this picture (Caption: Britney Spears is still upset about Sean Preston's fall from the highchair.). Seriously, that is what the caption to this picture says. You would think they'd be able to find a more fitting picture, but it is Britney Spears we're talking about here... Anyway, so she's upset and depressed and all that good stuff, but wait; it gets better.

Good ol' Britney also hired a doctor to give her advice on how to keep her son safe from any more Spears-Federline household mishaps. He told her, and I'm quoting an insider quoted in a magazine here, "not to leave Preston on any high surfaces where he could roll off."

And she needed a doctor to tell her this.

Oh! And the best part? Britney was so impressed with the genius-level advice that she tried to hire him full time. Unfortunately for her, or rather, unfortunately for Little Preston, he told her this was not necessary.


Hahahahaholy crap! Oh, the tears streaming forth from my eyes! Britney, will you marry me and neglect my babies?

here's the link to the original story

Britney Spears' Wurds of Wizdum

"Anyone can sit down and write a boring, artistic song. Pop music is the hardest shit to write." -- BRITNEY SPEARS

Sometimes I read about things that everyone's favorite pop-whore-princess says or does, and I wonder how my head doesn't explode. This little quote has been a joy in three different ways since I read it the other day in a subscriber's email from Rolling Stone:

1) Oh yeah, Britney, pop music is hard. Kinda like adding 2 and 2 is hard. And what are you talking about anyway? You don't write the song yourself anyway.

2) Holy shit, I think Whorey Whorey Whore Whore has a point. Pop music probably is hard as anything to write, because you have to make sure that it appeals to not only mindless Pseudo-OC drones dressed like Paris Hilton who attend the country's many elementary, middle, and high schools (not to mention the higher education establishments they're accepted to because of Daddy's money), but ALSO hopefully attract the attention of the people in this world who actually have individual identities and matured tastes in music. At least, that's the goal.

3) Hahahaha! She just said that the music she does isn't artistic. Because apparently anyone can write something that's artistic, but it takes a special level of mental retardation to create slop that's popular with the masses. She basically just said that everyone in the world who likes Pop music is uncultured. Bahaha. Way to insult your fans, Child Neglecter.

I admit, I'm a little disturbed by the fact that something Britney Spears said has held my attention for a little over a day, but you have to admit that it was a pretty good quote. She called herself a hack.

And that's priceless.

Music Reporting and Devil-Horns

Okay, so I told you it was going to happen, but I completely forgot to tell you how it went. The day finally came to go to my "Covering the Music Scene" seminar. Yipee! Oh, man. It was so much fun! I met Chuck! I love Chuck (even though he reminds me of my ex-boyfriend... in so many ways, but we'll forgive him for that because he's so damn funny). And there were other reporters there too like Jim Farber, Lola Ogunnaike, Elysa Gardner and Alan Light, but let's face it: my deciding factor was Chuck Klosterman. Because... well because if you get down to the bare bones of it, I have an addictive personality, and thus I love being the groupie.

ANYWAY, so I learned alot from those 5 folks. How do you end up in the music reporting industry? You have to work for it. Sometimes you just "end up" there, but you have to go out on a limb and believe in yourself as a writer (though this kinda applies to all kinds of reporters). What's the difference between magazines and newspapers? Elysa said: With magazines you have more freedom and more space, and can therefore be more self-indulgent (that's my kind of writing! hehe). But you have to rememeber that the subject is going to be the interest of the reader, not the writer. Chuck said: With newspapers you can't swear and there are certain parameters that you have to follow. But, if you follow these rules you can basically write about anything you want. With a magazine you have more freedom, but you also get edited a lot more. Plus you always have to be conscious of the "voice" of the magazine.

Also, you have to suck up in magazines. You can't tear celebrities new ones. Damn, that would be fun. They also talked about the internet and blogs and such. That was really interesting. They were talking about how now that everyone envisions themselves reporters (haha, as i type my blog...) the value of writing really goes down. The expectations of writing also goes down. These online types also lose perspective with respect to what's good. Just because it's new, doesn't mean it's good. And that's what online people are obessed with: getting it first.

So, what I basically learned from these 5 great people, is that you have to talk about what music means, not what it sounds like (except in a general sense, says Chuck). You're not there to tell people what's good or bad; you're there to tell them what it means in the scheme of things, how it affects you, what it means personally. Because even thought people don't know you, they respond to first person accounts... because it makes them thing "oh yeah... wow.... i feel the same way about this album by this person."

I am so stoked. I love first person writing! Oh and before I forget:
I talked to Grizzly Adams... I mean Chuck... after the seminar :D. He was a super cool guy. I'm in love... haha not really... but he's a cool dude. And we have similar glasses.

Also, as I was heading back to the subway, I spotted this gem. It was too cool not to take a picture.

Cold Medicine + British Children's Shows = Hilarity!

So every once in a while something reminds me of things that I've done in my childhood. I enjoy these stories, and I thought maybe I'd share a few with you. Here is one that amused Breanne greatly today, haha. I love this story too. It makes me giggle:

Have you ever been so sick that you start to imagine things? Have you ever been so sick that you were delusional? Oh yeah, that's the best kind of sick. Once when I was about 14 or 15 I got so sick for no reason. There was no cause for my illness, but I was burning up, but I was freezing cold. In the middle of July. I was so sick. And because I was so sick, I thought I was going to die. I got it in my head that my fever was going to kill me. I was so scared I was crying; I was positive it was going to happen. Funny how that happens.

But this story isn't about that day (but related, so i threw that one in here). This story happened a couple years before. I was 12 or 13, and in 7th grade, if I remember correctly. One morning I woke up and I had some other mysterious illness. I had a fever. I was coughing, I was light-headed. I was SICK. I was delirious. So I took some cough medicine and laid in my inflatable bed, which is really hard to lay on when you're sick b/c 1) the sheets always slide off, so you're contstantly having to get off and readjust and 2) it makes plastic rubbing noises, and that's annoying as hell even if you're not sick. But so it was bad because being annoyed and sick is not cool. But it was okay because I had my television. TV is awesome when you're sick. Especially when you're delirious.

The Teletubbies have never been funnier.

So there I was, at like 10:30 in the morning. I was flipping channels, all hopped up on like nyquil or something. I found PBS; the Teletubbies were on. I stopped to watch. The yellow one and the red one were on opposite sides of a brick wall that couldn't have been bigger than 3 feet wide and like 5 feet tall. They were on opposite sides of the wall.... and they couldn't find each other!

I have never laughed harder. "She's on the other side!" I yelled at the yellow one. "Hehehehe! No, the other way!" I giggled. "No, Laa Laa, you stay there! Po, she's on the other side! Just walk around! Hehehehehe!" I said.

I was trying to help them find each other, because for some reason I thought they could hear me, kinda like how the little kids yell at Blues Clues (which by the way, i'm 90% sure that I saw Steve in NYC yesterday... he was going into a pizzeria in Chelsea, hehe) or Dora the Explorer. Seeing those two try to find each other on opposite sides of a 3 foot wide brick wall was HILARIOUS. I love that show...

And I love being delirious! Haha...

Follow the Finger..... do it... do it now....

Found this while Breanne and I were walking down Madison yesterday. I had to stop and take a picture. I love finding things like this.



Apparently it's an ad for Butterfinger. But still, how funny would it be if that phone rang and you answered it and spoke gibberish? That'd be awesome.

I want...

*Sigh* I'm so drained. I seriously feel like i have no energy to do anything. I think I may need Zoloft or something, haha. I kind of feel like I have more motivation to work than I did, say, a month ago, but still I don't want to do anything.

That's a lie. I just don't want to go to school anymore. I want to work and make money. That's what I want to do. I want to write. I want to get published. I want to report and review things. I want to have an editorial job at a newspaper or something. I want to write a column for a magazine. I want to freelance. I want to travel. I want to buy CDs. I want to listen to music. I want to meet new people. I want to fall in love. With someone who loves me back. In a way that's more than a friend. I want to be happy. I want to be wealthy. I want to have children. I want to go to shows. I want to have a house. I want to be able to enjoy my life.

I don't want to deal with this bullshit anymore.

Sometimes I fall into this rut (and it extremely painful for me to mention this) and I get this feeling that no one really likes me. Why does that happen? I start to question my friendships, every acquaintance...ship... Do they really like me? Or are they just too nice to not tell me to go away? So I test people. I say self-depricating things, even though I know it's not appealing. Whatever. But you know what, whenever my fears are cast aside with a nice comment from someone who's time and conversation and thoughts and life I cherish... it does make me feel better. As long as what they say is true... which is hard to tell, I guess. But I suppose there are other things that should tell me that i'm not just a person that's tolerated, but actually a person who is liked. For example, prolonged conversation, prompt responses to emails, kind smiles, gifts and recommendations of things they think I might like. These things make me feel good.

But sometimes I lose hold of those things.

I think it's because I'm a bit of a recluse. And it's not just that I'm a recluse. It's that I'm in college, the time when I should (ostensibly) be friends with everyone, getting drunk, passing out and waking up in the bed of a stranger, in a room I don't know, lost somewhere on campus, a certifiable slut... b/c, after all, isn't that what you're supposed to do in college? I can't do those things though. So I'm a recluse, with no car, trapped in the top of a tower, with only my music and my SHITTY COMPUTER THAT NO LONGER BURNS CDs.... sonofabitch!

I feel better now. I've vented...

P.S.- Second Annual National Haiku Month starts tomorrow! And when I say "national" I mean "Christina National" which means basically that I made it up. But so if you want me to send you one Haiku, written by yours truly, each day of April, let me know and I'll add you to the email list!

Samples:
Small, bright flower bud
One day you'll be a flower
You fit up my nose.

Steroids beef you up
Your muscles are super huge!
But your nuts are gone.

Soo sleeeeeepy

Man, I am really tired. I have no idea why. I went to bed... gosh... I don't know maybe around like 1:30 or 2. And then I got out of bed at 10:45ish. One would think that after 8 hours I'd be ready to go. However, this does not happen often. I can only really sleep throughout the night when I'm sick. This seems opposite to me. On any given night I wake up about a jillion times. The first time I woke up last night was 3:49 am. I ventured to the bathroom and climbed back into bed. I awoke again approximately 3 hours later. And then 45 minutes after that (when I thought that it was after 1 when, in fact, it was only just after 7, but my alarm clock is at an annoying angle where i can't tell the 1 from the 7 -- also, it's digital... so I'm not that big of an idiot, haha). And then about 40 minutes after that. And then 30 minutes after that. Each time I woke up I had this horrible feeling that someone was trying to get me out of bed. It was some girl; I don't know who. I don't even know why she was trying to get me out of bed. I was able to sleep for almost 2 hours after that last time I woke up, but then I swear it was like every 10 to 20 minutes after that, until I was just fed up and got out of bed.

I freakin' hate when that happens. I don't know what my problem is.

But then I just lounged around half asleep for most of the day. At about 2:30 I almost fell asleep. It was like I was suddenly narcoleptic. I was perfectly fine, but then I was almost fully asleep. But then I woke up a little when I decided to walk down to Blockbuster. So I came back, grabbed some dinner and watched one of the movies I rented (Oh, man, Just Friends is hilarious! It made me laugh out loud several times, and even made me make a couple involuntary honk/grunt/hard laughs. Oops, haha. It was good. Cute.). But now I feel totally drained again. I can barely keep my eyes open as I type this. And it's only 8:10...

I haven't even been awake for 12 hours...

Alright well... just felt like sharing. I'm off... to do... something...

P.S. - Coldplay are in East Rutherford right now. I am not. This makes me immensely sad. But it's okay. Someday Chris Martin and I are going to have a child. And we will name it Orange... or Banana... I haven't decided which yet...

Classical music notes

This is what I do when I find candy that I don't like in the vending machine:

I eat all the reds (and in this case purples too) and then play with the others. How old am I? It is pretty though...


Oh well, I felt like posting again because I'm bored and really don't feel like doing work right now. At 8, Breanne and I attended this classical music concert by a man whose name I cannot remember and don't care enough about to look up. For over 2 hours we sat there... not really paying attention. Instead we held a very in depth conversation entirely on notebook paper (and before that, on the back of some notes on how to write a case brief i found in my media law text book). I don't know if I've ever had such an enlightening conversation about relationships and love before. I think it might have been the music. I was able to explain the phenomenon of the "electric spark" and not only have someone know what I was talking about, but also have them reaffirm the sense of awe I have of it (it's when you're having a conversation with someone and one of you says something that just sends this "electric spark" that punches you in the chest. You can't breathe for a second, and everything stops. You both stop talking, and you just stare at each other for what seems like eternity. But then one of you starts talking again and suddenly you can breathe. It's wonderful, haha). She told me about unrequited love and how much it hurts to love someone so much, but have them keep themselves from feeling anything at all, even love.

It's one thing to read about people telling things like this (so I don't know if this really means much to any of you reading this), but it's another thing to have the person tell you personally what they're feeling. And not typed or read off a computer screen, but hand written in front of you. Where you can see how long it takes them to write it down, how the words flow from their pen as they're reliving the memory right then and there inside their head. You may get the same story from reading or hearing words... but you never truly understand until you can watch them work. It made me start thinking...

That's why I've always wanted to watch someone write a song. Songwriters are among the bravest people I can think of. They write down their emotions for everyone to hear. And even though you're not there to see them scribble down the words as they race through their head, grabbing anything that'll make a mark, grabbing anything that has space left to write even a letter, there is always the music (the soulful part). And I feel that it acts like the rush you get from watching someone recall a personal memory.

You know how when you see a musician perform a song whose content you know is personal and painful, and you don't quite know who or what specifically they're talking about, but you understand anyway? When you watch a musician perform a song that's so emotionally draining that you feel out of breath by the time it's over?

I did that once. I once watched a musician perform such a song and realized, at the end of the song, that I had been holding my breath for the last couple verses. My chest hurt and I was out of breath. I took a couple unsteady breaths in, just to get back to my regular breathing pattern. I felt awful.

The song was amazing.

That's why I love to watch people. Watching ranges of emotion is one of the purest ways you can get to know someone. Watching them create something, watching them present something that they've poured themselves into. Sometimes I sit back and forget about all the stupid people in the world, and am just in love with everyone, and amazed at all the personalities that coexist.

Perhaps that's a little existential. But I don't care. It's late...

Change is good...

Yeah, so I've decided to rename my blog. I don't feel like being angsty anymore. And my old title was seriously angsty. As is my url... which i should change by the way... i think i will...

i'm done. i'm tired of being bored. i'm tried of being bored with my life. I want some real adventure, dammit. I cannot wait until April 5th. I'm going to a seminar called "Covering the Music Scene." One of my favorite authors, Chuck Klosterman, is one of the speakers. Soooo excited. Seriously. I have no words. I can't even control myself. I am totally bringing one or all of his books that i own to try get him to sign them (I don't care how big a dork you think i am, Breanne. haha). I love Chuck Klosterman... well not in the sense that i'd want to marry him or have x number of his children, but oddly enough, I can relate to him. Even though he's 13 years older than I am, I can relate to him better than I can relate to some people my own age.

Is that weird? I don't think so. I seem to get along fairly will with that demographic.

But no, I love Chuck because, as corny as this sounds, he kind of gave me direction in life. I never knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life, but after reading his book Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, I knew. Honestly, I'm still not totally positive, but because of that book, I have a pretty good idea. I recently finished reading another of his books called Killing Yourself to Live and it was probably one of the best books I've ever read. It's smart, funny, and is wonderfully quirky. It reads the way I think: slightly disjointed, occasionally losing the main idea, but always coming back to it eventually, usually with some new understanding of it. It's also extremely conversational, which I love. That's the way I write. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but he kind of helped me find my voice.

Now if only I could find an opportunity to use it....

In Music News: I'm still in love with Chris Whitley, though i think I need to find new material. I was recommended a couple more of his albums to check out, but I don't know how I'm going to do that seeing as I'm afraid to shop online (it's a complex really... it's sad), and I don't have quick access to a used (or otherwise) record store. If anyone has any of his albums that I could borrow, let me know. Thanks:)

Springy Break

So I'm back from Spring Break now. I'm happy. It was so much better than last year's. In fact, a lot of things are better than they were a year ago. I've just spent the last hour or so reading my other blog that I used to update a lot. I was reading back entries, from this summer all the way back to February of last year. My goodness, a lot has changed. Are there more things going good in my life, or has a year really affected my personality so drastically? Reading all those entries from approximately a year ago makes me feel sorry for myself. Probably because almost all the entries were about being depressed and remembering when I was 15 and contemplating suicide. I mean, I still get depressed. But now I feel like it's for different reasons, and I haven't been depressed for a couple months (I think I get depressed about the winter months now).

But I have a lot of things to not be depressed about in my life now, I guess. This spring break I got 4 really great albums. Right now I'm listening to Jack Johnson's On and On. It's really good. Ever since that dream that I had a while ago, I've been listening to more Jack. Pandora.com is amazing. And so is my other Pandora... my friend over at Manifest. He recommended (read: handed me) another really good CD. It's this guy named Chris Whitley (who is dead now I think). It's kinda rock-y, blues-y sort of. It's one guy, a mic, and his guitar (and sometimes banjo). The liner notes also credit to him the "foot stomp". I really like the first track called "Scrapyard Lullaby." It reminds me of someone else, but I can't quite put my finger on it. It's the kind of music that makes you want to accompany Mr. Whitley on the foot stomp. I also really like track #4, "Wild Country." I'm not sure why, but it makes me sad. And makes me think of Charlotte. Probably because Whitley talks about "returning to the wild where I'm from." And I guess Charlotte's pretty wild... and it is where I'm from. Nostalgia, maybe? I don't know. But it's a good song. Check it out: Chris Whitley, Dirt Floor.

Also, saw Bain Mattox again. It was so great. Like an hour and a half of the Bain. Ooooh, wonderful. They're so high energy, it's great. I love when Mr. Mattox dances around the stage with his accordion. I also enjoyed the fellas' tribute to Tom Petty, especially when Bain, Chris and Mike jumped down from the stage to mingle with the crowd (aww, poor Rivers and Andy with their stationary instruments.. hehe... i like Rivers... he kinda reminds me of Peter Krause). Then Bain jumped up on a stool and was playing. That was pretty sweet. Haha.

I just hung out a lot, watched a couple movies, had some fun conversations. Just generally had a good time.

I'm so glad I'm in a better place than I was a year ago.

Blah...

Howdy, folks! It's now less than 2 days before I get to go home for Spring Break. Woo hoo! Also it's sleeting! Awesome! Snow during Spring Break... it's a northern thing, apparently. Mmmm Charlotte. I hear that it's supposed to be like highs of 50 the entire break. Sweet! Warm! hahaha. Ah, Jersey and its cold weather.

Also, you know what Spring Break means. Well, that too. But it also means that the semester is almost over. Waaaa! Where did it go? That means that I have to look for a job for the summer this week. Why this week? So I beat all the stupid high school kids. Hopefully my plan will work. I don't know though. I'm sorta worried about that. Also, I might try to get another internship. Or maybe I'll just start freelancing to a newspaper or something. Gosh, I don't even know what I'm going to do. But I've been reading a lot of Chuck Klosterman lately... and that only gives me ideas.

I also think that reading a lot of an author and then trying to write a paper for class is a bad idea. I found myself adopting his style in a paper I wrote just yesterday for one of my classes. It's not bad. It's just kinda sarcastic. I made some comment about how a book we had to buy for class didn't feel like a textbook in as much as it wasn't written like one, but as far as it being required reading, that's another story. I worded it differently, I'm sure. But it reminded me of Chuck. Whatever, he's my hero, hahaha. And I get to see him on April 5th! Yay!!! Exxxxcccciiiitttteeedddd!!!!!!

::Deep Breath:: Welp, I don't really have much more to say that's substantial (not that what I ever write here is especially). So I'm going to go do some Sudoku... hahaha...