I want...

*Sigh* I'm so drained. I seriously feel like i have no energy to do anything. I think I may need Zoloft or something, haha. I kind of feel like I have more motivation to work than I did, say, a month ago, but still I don't want to do anything.

That's a lie. I just don't want to go to school anymore. I want to work and make money. That's what I want to do. I want to write. I want to get published. I want to report and review things. I want to have an editorial job at a newspaper or something. I want to write a column for a magazine. I want to freelance. I want to travel. I want to buy CDs. I want to listen to music. I want to meet new people. I want to fall in love. With someone who loves me back. In a way that's more than a friend. I want to be happy. I want to be wealthy. I want to have children. I want to go to shows. I want to have a house. I want to be able to enjoy my life.

I don't want to deal with this bullshit anymore.

Sometimes I fall into this rut (and it extremely painful for me to mention this) and I get this feeling that no one really likes me. Why does that happen? I start to question my friendships, every acquaintance...ship... Do they really like me? Or are they just too nice to not tell me to go away? So I test people. I say self-depricating things, even though I know it's not appealing. Whatever. But you know what, whenever my fears are cast aside with a nice comment from someone who's time and conversation and thoughts and life I cherish... it does make me feel better. As long as what they say is true... which is hard to tell, I guess. But I suppose there are other things that should tell me that i'm not just a person that's tolerated, but actually a person who is liked. For example, prolonged conversation, prompt responses to emails, kind smiles, gifts and recommendations of things they think I might like. These things make me feel good.

But sometimes I lose hold of those things.

I think it's because I'm a bit of a recluse. And it's not just that I'm a recluse. It's that I'm in college, the time when I should (ostensibly) be friends with everyone, getting drunk, passing out and waking up in the bed of a stranger, in a room I don't know, lost somewhere on campus, a certifiable slut... b/c, after all, isn't that what you're supposed to do in college? I can't do those things though. So I'm a recluse, with no car, trapped in the top of a tower, with only my music and my SHITTY COMPUTER THAT NO LONGER BURNS CDs.... sonofabitch!

I feel better now. I've vented...

P.S.- Second Annual National Haiku Month starts tomorrow! And when I say "national" I mean "Christina National" which means basically that I made it up. But so if you want me to send you one Haiku, written by yours truly, each day of April, let me know and I'll add you to the email list!

Samples:
Small, bright flower bud
One day you'll be a flower
You fit up my nose.

Steroids beef you up
Your muscles are super huge!
But your nuts are gone.