I Wish I Had a GPS For My Life

I had kind of forgotten that I wrote all that last time. It wasn't so much that I had forgotten that I had written it as much as I had forgotten that I had had all those thoughts just days before I had them all over again, in a much weakened state.

Let me explain: last week was awful. Well, the beginning of the week was awful. It was a low point in my impending quarter-life crisis. Monday was such a crap day, that I decided about halfway through the work day that I was going to go home and search for jobs in Charlotte. Fuck it. I'd had enough. I thought about it for the rest of the day; it was sort of my driving force to get through the rest of the day. I thought about it a bit when I actually got home, but I was so drained from being enraged for most of the day, that I never looked. Still haven't.

Then, on Wednesday, I went into the City to see Chuck Klosterman do a book talk on Eating the Dinosaur. It was really good, really funny. He's such a great and entertaining writer. He simultaneously makes me feel smart and dumb when I read this stuff, and he makes me want to be a better (and paid) writer. His writing inspires me, and I remember that more strongly whenever I spend a particularly long time with his writing, and even more so when I hear him speak (2 times, now). As I was sitting on the train going into the city, I realized that if I were to move to Charlotte, I wouldn't be able to do this anymore. I wouldn't be able to, on a whim, go roam the city, or go to spectacular events, or see famous people out on the street, or almost bump into them getting on the subway. It's the little things, you know? These little insignificant things that make me happy, that make me feel validated, at least the tiniest fraction of a bit. There are other things in Charlotte, namely people who are important to me, that are calling me, but it would just be so much better if they all lived here with me, haha. I realize how selfish that sounds, but I'm completely serious. They should just all move here. We'd have so much fun (and get in so much trouble).

But they're not here, and they're not moving here, and again I'm torn. I'm not happy here; that much is clear to me. But I 1) lack the money to move into the city, and 2) lack the job opportunities to try to make a location change right now. Being complacent is so much easier than taking action. Especially when I can't figure out which action would be best, which I deep down want the most. I realized yesterday that I may be able to continue my job from a remote location (i.e., Charlotte), but I don't know if it would remain full-time, or turn into a freelance situation with sporadic work. That wouldn't be good. So still, I'm stagnant. And it's driving me insane.

I'm 24 years old, I'm only able to bank about 1/8th of my salary each month, and I'm drowning. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost. Someone come find me, please.

Welcome to Starbucks. May I Interest You in a Venti Soy Caramel I'm-Not-Getting-Any-Younger-uccino?

Is it weird that for a second there, I just considered quitting my job and working at Starbucks? Like, for a second, I actually thought that making snotty professional types their half-caf soy mocha lattes or whatever could be inspiring. It could definitely afford me some much needed free time, don't you think?

But it's bad that I thought this, right? Like, it would be a serious pay cut. I already feel like I make on the low-end for what I do. I seriously need to be paid more for the amount of work that I do. Maybe I'm in the wrong industry. Maybe I should have gone to school to be a psychologist like I had thought about while I was in high school. For a while there, I really wanted to be an FBI profiler. No joke. I was all into it. But then journalism caught my heart, and against the advice of my parents, I went for it. Now I have a degree that was awesome to study, but is essentially useless to me since I don't even work in the journalism field. I hate newspapers. Hate them with a passion. Magazines are better, but hard as shit to get a job at if you're not freelancing, which I don't know if that's something I want to do right now. There's definitely the money in psychology, but I think I might enjoy reading/watching suspense crime dramas more than actually living them. I don't want a high risk job.

I don't know what to do with my life. I'm at a standstill. I think I mentioned this yesterday. I hate Jersey so much. I want out of this armpit. But if I go anywhere but into NYC, I'm going to miss it too much. I so badly want to move back to Charlotte, but, as much as I love it, that city is beans compared to NYC. It's THE CITY. You can't find a better city than that. It's true that I don't go in there often, but what would I do if I didn't have it in my life? It's like a weird addiction. A lover on retainer. I don't need it all the time, but it's nice to know that it's there when I do. When I need to escape into it. When I need to experience something new and exciting. How could I possibly part with it?

I'm sorry this is rambley, and disjointed, and possibly hard to follow. Welcome to my brain. I just wish I knew what I was doing with my life. I want to do something new, I want to get out of here, but I don't want to limit myself and dash my dreams by moving back to a relatively smaller metropolis. I don't even know what my dreams are.

I think I'm on the verge of a quarter-life crisis here.

Not Enough Hours In The Day

Okay, so that writing I mentioned I was going to do while everyone was at work last post? Yeah, that didn't happen. I got distracted with an online game called Bloons. What the hell is wrong with me? My cousin was also there, trying to write lyrics... but I got him addicted to Bloons too! We suck at staving off procrastination, haha.

Anywho, I'm back in New Jersey now, having not written anything in like a week. I really need to get on that. I have so many side projects going on right now, it's hard to find the time, though. I think maybe my job isn't stimulating for me in the way that it needs to be in order for me to feel fulfilled. Instead, I have to put in 100% effort just to stay on task, which doesn't always happen. I take breaks, I get off task, but I still manage to finish my work. I'm just not that passionate about it. So I have to use my time after 5 to work on my side projects for which I have FAR more passion. These projects include, but are not necessarily limited to: reading, writing, reviewing, blogging, watching movies, catching up on TV shows, etc. Unforunately, there aren't enough hours in the day to engage in all of these activities in a given evening, so I have to pick and choose. Which leaves me WAY less than satisfied most of the time.

Which is why I usually only sleep 5 or 6 hours a night. I'm trying to suck every last second that I can out of that day, just so I can do something that I enjoy. Is that so much to ask? To be allowed to do something that enables me to escape a little bit from my sad, pathetic life? Tonight, I think I'm going to try to write. Not fiction, but an essay of sorts for a blog that my friend and I are trying to start. It hasn't been updated in almost a month, and we need new material. We have a bunch of ideas floating around, but nothing has been written. I guess you could call it a fangirl site, of sorts. It's a little dorky, but we love it. It's all about the CW (I know, I know) show The Vampire Diaries. You can read our 2 posts (haha *sigh*) here: The Salvatore Boarding House. We figure since it's the summer, we can be a bit slack, but once the season starts, we're going to try to update more regularly. If you decide to visit, I hope you enjoy.

Once I'm done with that, maybe I'll try working more on my 2009 NaNo, which I have tentatively titled "It's Not Too Late." We'll see. Or maybe I'll read. Or something else. I don't know. I need a job where I can get paid to do a hobby. That would be sweet. Until then, I have to content myself with staying up until 2 a.m. to allow my brain some sort of creative outlet...

NaNo 2009 Rewriting Update

So, I decided to try what I was talking about last post. I've put aside the one story I've been working on fairly steadily for over a year, to rework my NaNo from 2009. For the most part I've kept most of what was written for the girl. I decided to keep her POV solely as written in her online blog, as before. But with the guy, I've pretty much rewritten that. Now, instead of only hearing what he's saying to the dog or around the dog, it's just standard first person POV. I've tried to keep the stream of consciousness to a minimum, focusing more on actions and what other people say, but I sneak some thoughts in there, too. So far, I think it's working. I've reworked something like 14 scenes, and it's flowing fairly easily. I'm pretty excited about that, actually. I'm still trying to figure out if it will be possible to pull off the original concept. I veered so far away from it in my original version, I'm not really sure how to pull it back. I'm trying though. I'll report back... :)

In other news, I flew to Florida late last night for a bit of visiting with the family. It's just as hot here as it was in New Jersey with that freaking heat wave. It's actually a little cooler here than it has been there, but apparently the temperature dropped like 15 degrees up there, so now it's cooler there than here. I can't win. Sheesh, haha.

Okay, while everyone is at work, I think I'm going to try a bit of writing before the house fills up again, and I get distracted...

Until then!

Writer's Block, Part 65

It has been entirely too long since I've written anything original. I was going strong for a while there, about a month ago, even managing to write 13 pages in like 5 hours one day. I don't think I've written anything since. It's totally bumming me out. I know all I have to do is just, oh I don't know, do it, haha. I just need to find the motivation.

See, the issue I'm having right now is that I've hit a slump in the story that I've been working on for a really long time now. I have a general idea of where I'm going, but I don't really have it mapped out scene-by-scene. I know everyone has their own style and writing process, but I'm starting to wonder if my method just isn't working for me anymore. I tend to meander my way through the plot, usually ending up somewhere totally off-track from where I intended. That's fine and all; it's part of the creative process, the journey. It happens. But sometimes I get so far off course, I have to back-track and rewrite. That already happened once. I'm now on the second version of this story. And the wall I've hit now is making me think I have to back the truck up again and rework some things. That's not a bad idea. Like I said, I understand that that's the writing process, but I'm losing steam. It's just frustrating in a totally trivial way. *Sigh*

So, I've been considering laying that one aside for the time, to stew a bit, and moving on to another piece I started last year for NaNoWriMo. I managed to make it to 50k words in November of last year, but I wasn't entirely satisfied with how it turned out. It wasn't even finished. I just sort of stopped because, once again, I had hit a wall. I love the characters; I fell in love with them immediately. And I like their situation, but I think my issue is with the way the narrative is told. The girl's point of view is told completely from her entries in an online diary that she keeps. The guy's point of view is told entirely through conversations he has with his dog (he's not crazy; the dog doesn't talk back. It's more of a therapeutic thing, haha). I really love that concept, but I haven't quite figured it out enough so that it works really well. The blog part works alright, but the dog part reads kind of funny sometimes. It doesn't really work. I think it might work better if I also had a 3rd person omniscient view point, but I don't really want that. The point was originally to tell the story through these people in a way where the reader didn't get to see all their thoughts, which is why I approached it this way. People have a hard time admitting things about themselves if they have to say it out loud (or type it for the world to see). We're only ever close to 100% honest in our own heads (though, even then we may not be honest with ourselves). Maybe I'll just switch it to normal first person, like an inner monologue, but try to reign in the stream of consciousness. I'm good at that... which is why I wanted to switch it up and not do that.

I don't know. Maybe I'll try it that way for a while, see how it works out... I'm excited to try again. Now I just have to find the time...

Waterlogged

I don't know why or what's going on, but I am currently suffering an all-consuming thirst. Maybe it was the honey mustard on my sandwich. Maybe it was the ultra-delicious pickle I had on the side. But something about my lunch fucked me up, and now I can't stop drinking water. It's driving me nuts. In a little over an hour, I've had somewhere around 32 oz of water. Maybe that's not a lot; I don't know. But my stomach surely feels like it is. All that water sloshing around and making me uncomfortable.

Is this ever going to stop?!

And now my Nalgene is empty again. The thought of another really cold refill not only sounds delicious and refreshing, but also nauseous-making and ill-advised. The water feels so good pouring into my belly, but once it's there... I don't know if I'm going to bet able to waddle to the bathroom when or if my body starts processing it.

Maybe if I regularly drank more water, I wouldn't feel like I am ODing. As it is, I need to curl into a ball.

*shrug* Just felt like I should share -- you know, since I'm trying to be in the spirit of sharing the mundane details again...

Let's Try This Again...

Wow, I am really bad at this whole journal-keeping thing. I blame the internets. No, really, I do. I think I've expounded a bit on this before. It's so easy to be involved in things -- blogs, social networking sites, Twitter, etc, -- it can get quite distracting. So, once again I have let this blog sort of lapse into the blackhole that is the World Wide Web (wow, when's the last time you hear someone refer to it as that? haha).

Anywho, once again, I suppose I was feeling a little nostalgic, so I decided to go peruse my old livejournal, and re-realized that I was so free with that one, writing about my everyday life like it was actually interesting. I really need to start doing that again. I did that here once too. I need to stop trying so hard. "I'm just cataloging my life," I'll have to tell myself, as a meager motivation to write something. So I revamped this blog again, changed the colors and layout. I figured maybe if I change up the way it looks, I'll be more willing to look at it, and thereby, more willing to write on it. We'll see. Again.

God, I hate that I'm so bad at this. I wish that my life was something interesting, something worth reading: a doctor, an exchange student studying abroad and documenting my experiences, something. Instead, I am a (reluctant) young professional, living in New Jersey, wishing I lived in Charlotte, wishing I did something that I was really proud of, wishing I made more money so that maybe I'd have the freedom to do something that I was really proud of. Not yet, though, I guess. It's not in my cards for the immediate future. So maybe this can be a catalog of me struggling to attempt that. That's pretty much what it's been so far. Why not continue, with a renewed effort? I think I will. I'll try at least.

So, that's it in a nutshell. Welcome. This is my pitiful, wasted life.

"Remember Me": In Hindsight

Over the past 18 hours, I've been trying to sort through the mess the new Robert Pattinson film Remember Me has left of my head. As I was watching it, I was enjoying it. When it was over, I wasn't so sure any more. As the night wore on, and my mind kept running around, trying to make sense of what I'd seen, I started to like it again. I think. The surprise ending (which I will not give away) was screwing with me, making me think, which I suppose is a good thing. I even dreamed about it. I woke up, got ready for the day, and found myself thinking about it, still, on the drive to work (I was even running late because every time my cell phone alarm went off, my brain thought it was a text message from the main character Tyler Hawkins, haha). By the time I got to work, I liked the movie again. I even gave a positive review to a coworker.

Now, at 3:00 p.m. I'm starting to reconsider, again. On the surface, it had an interesting concept. Two college students who have both faced family tragedy in their lives tentatively begin a relationship, find they actually do like each other, and begin to fall in love. However, the very pretense that brought them together threatens to break them apart. Can they keep it together while also trying to salvage what's left of their families? I won't tell you the answer, but suffice it to say, the journey is entertaining, heartbreaking, and even, at times, insightful.

But was what I spent 2 hours watching last night really all that good? Sure, it had its moments. Sure, it was interesting to watch. I laughed in the appropriate spots, and enjoyed the hell out of supporting character Aidan, Tyler's quirky binge-drinking roommate played by Tate Ellington (who is adorable, and quite possibly my favorite part of the movie). I mean, there was definitely enough man-candy to go around. But, I also enjoyed the character of the littler sister, Caroline (Ruby Jerins), who, in a way, reminded me of myself at that age (only, honestly, like 57x more awesome!). But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't distracted by the fact that it was Robert freaking Pattinson in this movie. Poor guy. He is quite the distraction. Not because he's super handsome (though, admittedly, his is NOT bad to look at). It was more of the whole "oh my god, it's that guy who's on all the tabloids and whom virtually every female between the ages of 5 and 50 is in love with, myself included on certain days, etc." So, between the occasional sighing and giggling I heard coming from various directions, it was sometimes hard to get into the story.

Which brings me to that fact: the story. Rumor had it, it was based on a book, but a little googling tells me that it is, indeed, NOT. That's a shame because I was hoping maybe reading the book would help answer a few of the holes I felt were in the story-telling. Like I said, the relationship started of tentatively. It was almost awkward, forced. But I suppose it was believable, given that the whole thing was started as a scheme between the guys. You know, like how boys in movies do. That's all fine and good (though morally questionable, boys). But they never really mentioned it or came back to it until it was An Issue. The only allusion to it is a shake of Aidan's head on the night of Tyler and the girl's (whose name is Ally) second date. And I love Chris Cooper (who was Ally's father, Sgt. Neil Craig), and he played the character well, but I didn't believe the playful, dependent relationship between the cop father and struggling-to-find-herself daughter at the beginning of the movie. That felt forced. Maybe, then, it was Emilie de Ravin, though I don't know about that since she was fine the rest of the movie (not to mention pretty much rocks in LOST). I don't know. What was the problem then? I can't tell.

As the story went on, I became more comfortable with the characters and their situations and behaviors. I felt bad for them (and good for them) in all the right spots. But then, when Sgt. Craig comes around again, beats Tyler (again), and the aforementioned pretense is revealed, I felt very little as the characters seemingly overreacted and sent themselves into unnecessary pity-binges. Maybe I just expect too much maturity from the characters who are only supposed to be a couple of years younger than I; I don't know. But I guess it was alright; things started to pick back up (with a decidedly emotional display of brotherly love), so all was good.

But then came the ending. Ho. Ly. Shit. I wasn't expecting that. I'm not going to give it away, but it was jarring to say the least. I've heard a lot of people criticize the ending as a hokey attempt at a sort of sensationalism, an attempt to scare the audiences into submission and acceptance with their own fear. Now, now, before you think that zombies came out of nowhere, it was nothing like that. But once we figured out what was going to happen (which didn't fully occur to everyone until minutes before the end), I think it's safe to say the whole audience was a little shocked and pulled from the narrative.

There was a voice-over to the movie, over the last few minutes, but I couldn't tell you what he said. I heard his voice, but none of the words registered as my brain lost all ability to comprehend language. As it finally faded to black, my thoughts came back, and I was mad. I couldn't understand why they would give the movie that hadn't been that bad such a shitty ending. But then I started thinking about it. It shouldn't really have been that big of a surprise. They gave us all the necessary clues throughout the movie. Some may have needed more context clues than others, which is probably why it went on for so long, but it was all there. So, shocking yes, but out of nowhere? Not really. And the harder I thought about it, the more I tried to remember that final voice-over that my ears had chosen to ignore, I realized that it had to end this way to deliver that final message. And, in my opinion, it's a hell of a message.

So, will this film change your life? Probably not. But was it a good movie? I think I'm going to have to go with yeah, it was pretty good, all things considered. It had its faults, but the relationships, the heartfelt characters, and that crazy twist ending overshadowed most of the awkwardness to make a rather enjoyable (and intensely thought-provoking) experience.

Dilemma averted.

Read what this person had to say about the script back in April 2009: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/04/memoirs.html

Here is (I think... could be...) the final voice-over text: http://quote-book.tumblr.com/post/133682783/whatever-you-do-in-life-will-be-insignificant-but

Winner! Sort of.

Okay, so NaNoWriMo is finally over. And I won! Technically. I finished with 50,202 words, or somewheres about. I say technically because I had the correct amount of words, but I don't think there were very many good words in that bunch. Over all, just as predicted, this year's NaNo blew majorly, literarily speaking (I know that's not a word. But it fits haha). Since I finally submitted the manuscript to be counted on 11/30, I've been debating just deleting the entire thing. I don't particularly care about any of my characters, and nothing I wrote can't be recreated if needed, you know? Maybe I'll wait a bit on it.

As an official winner of NaNoWriMo this year, though, I am entitled to a free printed copy of my manuscript. I'm really torn between ignoring this, or submitting a previously written manuscript. They wouldn't know, unless they stalked down this blog, but the problem is that I also don't have any finished manuscripts at all. Why do I suck at finishing good things? I think I have until January to submit for "publication," so maybe I can work real quick to try to finish something. I don't know. I think they offered this last year too, and I completely ignored it. I guess nothing lost if I don't do it, right?

I just want to finish something. I guess I should get to work, eh? I need to stop reading fiction and start creating it!

Ugh.

NaNo Suckage. Lame.

There are 13 days left of NaNoWriMo, and I'm about 2k word shy of 30k. That means I have to write the remaining 22k in two weeks. This isn't unheard of. In fact, I think that's about on par. But, it just seems a little daunting when you put it like that. I can do it, though. I WILL do it.

Unfortunately, 2009 was another shit year for my NaNo. My plot is falling apart. My characters are constantly changing, though, I suppose that's not a bad thing. They're just not turning out as I had originally planned. For example, my main character Nina was supposed to become obsessed with a musician, and have to endure a mentally crushing blow when she finds out that he's actually dead, subsequently becoming even more obsessed with him as time goes on, falling deeper and deeper into an imaginary world to cope with her outside problems. I still think this is a fascinating idea, but she just isn't cooperating with me! I've tried, but she's just not obsessed. I can't force it on her. She likes him; that's for sure. But she just doesn't like him enough. Now, 28k into the novel, she's found out he's dead, and it's upsetting, but she's not crushed. I think it's because she developed another problem I didn't foresee when I started.

You see, dear reader(s), Nina is... well, I don't want to give it away. She's having to deal with things she had dreamed of having to deal with. It's tearing her apart, and sort of making her create this false facade, constantly distracting herself so she doesn't have to think or deal with it. I suppose she's sort of doing what I had intended her, just not with the intended object. Nina is all over the place, kind of. She's starting to deal with the situation, and you, as a reader, think she is, but she's not. We'll get to that in the next 22k.

My other character, though, is right on schedule. Willem is being a good boy, and is doing everything I had planned for him, except for speaking a foreign language. Willem is a teacher, so he was supposed to put phrases and words here and there because said language has become second nature to him. I've been able to put a few in there, but if I want to make my word count goals, I can't distract myself too much with translating and conjugating. I decided they'll have to go in there during National Novel Editing Month. *Sigh*

Other than the characters, I also feel like my plot is falling apart. One of my chronic issues is details and minutiae. I write too many and concentrate on them for so long, sometimes I forget to forward the plot with them. I linger. I suppose part of the problem could be my inability to let go. Maybe I don't want my characters' story to be done. I think this is why I have such a hard time with endings. Endings kill me. But I also have a hard time knowing when enough is enough, and it's time to move the story along. Like, I feel that Willem and Nina's story/ies should be much further along than what they are at 28k.

Ah, well. I guess the point isn't to make it great, but to get it down, right? I hope I can write more at lunch today. Maybe I'll be able to get back on track.

Wish me luck!

christina

Another NaNo Update

So, I'm about 8k words into this year's NaNo, and I'm already hitting a road block. This is not good. I've written everything I made notes on already. I'm having a hard time keeping it going without being boring. I kind of know what kinds of things are going to happen, but I feel like it's not quite the correct emotional time for the characters for the events to happen. One of the characters seems to be going correctly, but the other character... I know what I need to happen to her; I just can't quite seem to get her there. So I struggled for a while last night trying to come up with a way. I made a few more notes. Hopefully that'll help.

I don't think I told you much about it, so I'll fill you in a little. There are two main characters: Nina James and Willem Nathanson. Nina just got out of a really horrible, really ridiculous relationship. It ended... well, let's just say it did not end amicably. Willem is in a relationship and just moved to a new city to take a job as a teacher at a local high school. He likes his job, but his relationship may be on the rocks. The reader can't be sure since he doesn't talk much about his girlfriend, Gretchen. He does talk a lot about this mysterious girl he saw working at a record store. This would be Nina, though the reader hasn't been told his specifically. So, so far, he knows her, but she doesn't know him. They're going to interact soon, but I'm not there yet ;).

Oh, and the quirkiest part about it? The story is told as first person accounts, but you don't get to be inside the characters' heads in the traditional first-person method. Instead, the reader is a voyeur, overhearing conversations and reading blogs. So you only get stories from these two points of view. You never hear anything people say to them, and you only understand things they way they understand them outwardly. Nina's perspective is told solely from her blog. Though she's pretty candid, you have to imagine there are things she thinks that don't necessarily make the cut. Willem's perspective is told by things he says to his girlfriend (though you never hear her responses/comments), and the conversations he has with his dog, Seamus (who also never responds because he's a dog). The only story you get, is what they're willing to share. I think it's pretty cool.

Let's just hope I'll be able to make a story out of this. I haven't quite worked out how I'll relay the story once they actually meet. We'll see.

Until later,

christina

NaNo Countdown and Plan B (not the abortion drug)

Okay, so NaNoWriMo officially starts in 2 days. 2 days!! I haven't written any more to my plan in probably a week or so. Hopefully I have enough to get going. I feel like my plot is a little thin, and I don't know if I'll be able to keep it up. Only time (30 days to be exact) will tell. I keep seeing scenes in my head, but they can't come until later than where I am at in my planning, so I haven't developed them yet. Maybe I should just suck it up and not worry about chronological planning, which is how I tend to plan stories. Well, if I plan at all. I don't actually plan stories out very well, which is a shame because I bought new index cards just for that reason. They're still wrapped in their plastic wrap, haha. Ah, well. I'll just let the words flow out of me when the time comes.

Let's see, not much else is new. I'm trying to work on my Plan B in case this whole office thing stops suiting me. But I don't know if I really want/can go into many details. We (royal we) are still working on it. I'll update you when I can (all 1-2 of you haha).

That's all for now.
Christina

I'm famous! Not really. Maybe a little. No, probably not at all.

So, I don't know how I didn't realize that this was a blog-worthy development in my life until just now. Well, it's more of a moment than a development seeing as nothing has come of it except minimal bragging rights, haha. The story goes like this:

I think I've mentioned the website Television Without Pity before. It's kind of a database of show recaps. People get paid to write summaries of a bunch of shows. Not all shows on on there, but most of the big hitters like Lost, FlashForward, The Office, True Blood, Dexter, etc. are. You can even find recaps of some shows that are now defunct. In general, it's a pretty cool site. I am a frequent and avid reader of many of these recaps because they're snarky and insightful. These recappers notice things I don't, and as you may be aware, I notice a lot of ridiculous details.

Well, this past week while watching How I Met Your Mother, I actually noticed something the recapper had not. As I was watching the episode where Marshall and Lily are overbearing party hosts to a couples' night with Barney and Robin, I noticed something off about the calendar in Marshall's "It Was the Best Night Ever" video. The numbering was off for this week. I wondered via Twitter to recapper @CindyMcLennan why the dates were like that. She didn't know, but thought it peculiar enough to give me a shout-out in her recap. :D Eeee. I got name-checked on a website. That lots of people read. I'm famous, only not. At all. It's kind of like when I got honorable mention in that haiku contest for Psych haha. Ah, well. I still think it's cool. :) And now my fraction of a second of fame is immortalized forever in this post. And probably the TWoP archives. Provided they have archives...

I Need Sleep, And A Stronger Plot

I don't know why the pictures in that last post aren't working anymore. I'll have to go in and fix the link or something, I guess. Gosh, that's a pain in the butt.

Anywho, forgive me readers, for I have sinned: It's been 17 days since my last update. Damn. It actually feels like much longer than that, but it's probably just due to the fact that I feel like I'm constantly awake and moving around and through my life. It's only been a little over two weeks since that last post, but it feels like months. Maybe I don't get enough sleep. I sleep probably around 5 to 6 hours a night, which isn't too bad, I guess. Though I think I need a solid 7 or 8 hours to be fully functional. This could very well be the cause of my short attention span as of late.

If I'm asleep for 5-6 hours, that means I'm awake each day for 18-19 hours. I couldn't even begin to tell you what I do in those hours, minus the roughly 9-10 hours spent working and commuting. So 8-9 hours. What do I do with them? I have no clue. I feel like I'm losing this time. Obviously, yes, I am aware of those hours; I am awake during that time, but nothing useful ever seems to get done during that time. Whatever free time I have... I feel so unproductive. I think work is wearing me down. I need to take advantage of my vacation days.

One thing that is providing a break from the norm is the looming start of NaNoWriMo is roughly 20 days. Ack! 20 days?!? I have SO much more planning to do. Remember that little writing idea I alluded to probably a month or two ago? I decided I was going to use it as this year's NaNo. I'll at least get a jump start at it, and can continue editing and writing even after the month is over. So right now I'm in the midst of planning. I have encountered what could be a problem though. As I'm writing my outline, I'm finding that I don't know if the premise is entirely plausible. Well, it certainly is plausible, but I don't know if it'll "work," you know? I'm missing a meaty element to the story, and unless I figure that out, I'm fucked, just like last year.

You see, the story was supposed to be about a young woman's decent into obsession and unfounded, unrequited love. You see, the object of her affections has been deceased for 12 years. I'm not really sure how this is going to work. I did a bit of research on the psychology of fixation yesterday, and it's pretty interesting, but I might have a hard time turning it into a story. She's definitely fixated, but that can't be the whole story. There needs to be some conflict or something. Maybe some mental break. We'll see. I'll keep working on it. Can't wait until November when I can actually start writing it!

Also, in music news: I've acquired a few more Jeff Buckley CDs. So far, "Sketches for 'My Sweetheart The Drunk'" is insanely good. It's really upsetting that it had to be posthumously released, but the fact that they didn't do any overdubbing and released the tracks exactly as they were left make it so insightful. There are a few moments in the tracks that were rough drafts that are funny and silly. They're raw, and I like that. I have a couple others that I haven't listened to yet, but I'm excited to crack open that cellophane!

Until next time, dear readers... :)

What Am I Doing With My Life?

So, I was just checking my e-mail when I saw a story about a 13-year-old fashion blogger named Tavi Gevinson. She went to Fashion Week in NYC. She was welcomed with open arms by pretty much all of the designers. She went to parties. She mingled. Go read her blog. It's actually really amusing. I have no clue about any of the fashion stuff; I admit I don't "get" it. In fact, I think most fashion looks like a dare. A triple-dog dar. To look like a fool. Eh, to each his own. Anyway, so she writes this blog, gets Christmas gifts from famous designs, and she's 13. Did I mention this already? She's also writing a blog for Pop magazine. 13.

What the hell am I doing with my life? Or my blog. I suck. *shakes head*

Speaking of sucking, did I tell you that I ordered TruBlood? You know, the nutritious Japanese blood substitute designed to sustain vampires so they no longer have to feed on humans, and can therefore "mainstream" into society? Yeah, I ordered that. I just finished my first bottle today. It was very, very delicious. Kind of like liquid Sweet Tarts or Smarties. Mmm, I love me some Smarties. Who knew vampires could be sustained with pure sugar. Not really. But yes, yum.

I just love the packaging that it came in. The bottles are fatter than regular beer or soda bottles. It has a "thick" feel, which I think is a nice touch. They look just like the bottles they use on the show as props for our favorite vamps. I especially love the cardboard carrier that they came in.
The attention to detail is superb. Check out the heartrate lines.

I have one bottle left (my friend and I went halfsies, so she took the other two). I'm going to have to conserve... And totally keeping these bottles as souveniers. I love owning a piece of this show :)

The Dream Didn't Come True!

I really just freaked myself out. I make a point to record most of my dreams in a journal. Or, at least, I try to record the poignant ones... or at least the ones that I remember. Okay, so sometimes I'm not very good at it, but I try. But the point is that dreams are very important to me, and I think that they can help us make sense of our days, of our thoughts. And maybe even sometimes they can tell us the future.

This has happened to me a few times, though it's never spot on. I think I've probably written about this here before, but whatever. I once had a dream that a friend was in a car accident near my high school -- turns out there was an accident there. He wasn't in it, but he was the one I heard it from. I once had a dream that my friend's grandmother died -- turns out she didn't. Another girl we went to school with lost her grandmother (and mother and little brother... horrible accident), but my friend was the one who told me about the grandmother (and mother and little brother). I once had a dream that another friend's car exploded-- apparently a few days later, it was stolen. The day before high school graduation rehearsal, I had a dream that this one kid was wearing a bright orange graduation gown, when no one else was -- the day of the rehearsal, he was wearing a bright orange t-shirt... I could list more...

So whenever I have a remotely ominous dream, I'm immediately thrown into panic mode. I'm so worried, I become physically distressed over the dream. They ruin my day sometimes. So, it's really no wonder I became so upset over the dream I had last November regarding one of my favorite musicians, Xxxx Xxxxxx*.

Now, I don't make a habit of dreaming about him, so when one does come along, I pay attention. This dream, was about him, though the underlying issue in the dream was about his wife. I don't necessarily feel comfortable writing about her as I've never met her, but it's for the sake of conveying the weirdo shit that's been going down in my Dreamland. In my dream (that I had on the night of 11/1/08), she was pregnant but had a miscarriage. I can't remember if I had actually heard in real life that she was pregnant again or not. I'm thinking no, but I can't be sure. So in the dream, she lost the baby. And Xxxx was upset. Like VERY upset. He was crying and in a really horrible state. I wanted to comfort him, but I couldn't. He couldn't be consoled. I felt so bad for him, I wanted to cry. I woke up distraught. It ruined my mood for a long time that day. I prayed to God that if she was pregnant, I was dead wrong.

So I kind of forgot about that dream, until I had a few more unsettling dreams about Xxxx Xxxxxx. I won't go into detail here as I don't really remember them. One involved a car accident (also VERY upsetting), another involving arrest for possession (haha), and another more personal one about him brushing me off when I saw him at a show. Haha, that was upsetting for different reasons. But because I try not to take much stock in these kinds of dreams, willing them to not be true, I didn't think about them much, and I had almost forgotten about the original dream.

But then I logged onto Facebook today. Holy shit, his wife had a baby a couple weeks ago! Yay! Oh, she's so cute! Congrats!! (She is adorable by the way. Aww!). Suddenly I remember the dream I had almost a year ago. I think, oh wow it was almost a year ago. maybe the dream was correct. holy crap that's really scary!. But then I actually went to a calendar to do the math. If the baby was born in August, can anyone tell me what month was 9 months ago? Yeah. November. The dream was a little over 9 months before the baby was born, so I have no idea what that was about. Wouldn't it be weird if I was channeling someone else's fears? But still, seriously. Holy crap.

*I originally wrote his name, but thought better of it. This dream was really weird and disturbing, so I figured it's probably best if I don't reveal real names. For whatever reason. Yeah.

I Bleed True Blood

Wow, it's been 16 days since I had that dream. It feels like so much longer ago. Whatever it meant, I guess it's either not come true (which I good, I guess), or I'm not listening to it (which could be bad). I mean, nothing has changed. So I guess I'm in this sort of stasis, balancing delicately between potentially bad and potentially good. I guess it's an alright place to be until a mind (any mind) is made up.

That said, let's change topics. I have become ridiculously obsessed with HBO's True Blood. It's a sickness. I'm pretty sure I now eat, sleep, breathe and even bathe in True Blood. That sounds gross, but it's an effective metaphor. I'm not sure what it is, the "real" characters, the passion, the vampires, the actors. Something about it is drawing me to it like a moth to light. The pull was pretty bad last season when it first aired. That's when it first became my drug of choice. I would take my first hit on Sunday at 9pm, then another at 12am, then at least one a day until the next new episode on the next Sunday. But that was the extent of my addiction last year. I waited eagerly for each new episode and once it was presented to me, devoured it heartily. But that was it.

Season 2 is a whole new monster, though. Before it even started, I decided (whether good or bad) to read all the books on which the characters and show are based. The first season was based on the first book in the series, the second season on the second. Presumably the third season will be based on the third book, but we'll have to wait for that. But I decided that I would allow myself to get ahead of my drug, and just read all of the books. I read 9 books in about 25ish days. I can't remember the exact count. That is incredibly fast for me. I was chowing down a book in 1-3 days each. I read one and I needed to know what happened. This need pushed me through each book, desperate for the next literary fix. I suppose this was my fatal flaw: the need. Because once all 9 books had been put away, I had nothing.

Or did I? I actually finished reading the books after the second season started, if memory serves (it was, after all, 11 weeks ago. I'm allowed to be hazy). Something was different this year though, once the show started. I had just moved to a new apartment about 2 weeks before the start of the season. After making sure we had HBO, I invested in an DVR. Let me tell you, this is a God-send. I don't know how I existed before my DVR. Now I was able to record my drug and watch later if I wasn't able to watch it in real-time. But the DVR also just contributed to the sickness. Instead of having to catch the episodes on linear airings on the various incarnations of HBO, now I had True Blood at my fingertips. All I had to do was hit that DVR button. And so, I watched on Sunday, at least once on Monday (more if I caught a linear airing), once on Tuesday (more if I caught a linear airing), once on Wednesday (more if I caught a linear airing)... I think you get the picture. So now, suddenly, I'm devouring my drug in a much heavier dose.

Any minute I expect to overdose, but the monster just keeps growing. I can't get enough. And its effects are getting much stronger. Last year, I could sit comfortably on my couch, watching and emoting silently. This year, a few episodes have affected me to the point of much louder emoting and even physical reactions. A few times I have taken to spending the hour standing in front of the TV, too anxious to sit. One of those times, the episode even brought me to my knees, tears welling in my eyes (seconds before one of the characters fell to his knees, tears running down his face, I might add haha). It has become a part of me. I've even pre-ordered the soon-to-be-released TruBlood beverage -- the nutritious synthetic blood developed by Japanese scientists that can be consumed by vampires to satiate their thirst and biological needs. Of course mine will just be a blood-red orange flavored soda, but it's just a more physical way for it to become part of me, for me to own it.

But what I can't figure out is why? Why has this become so special for me? Why do I devote so much time, effort, and soon, money to this work of fiction? What about it affects me so strongly, to the core, that makes me behave this way? Is it the show itself? Or is it something about me? Or both? Maybe I'm drawn to it because I see so much of myself in the characters. Maybe, deep down, each and everyone of them is me. Do I actually live in Bon Temps?

(to be continued...)

(maybe...)

Epic Dream: A Metaphor for Spiritual Healing?

I had a really weird dream last night. I don't usually share my dreams here, electing to record my nighttime journeys in a journal, usually only for me to read, but the one I had last night seemed oddly worth sharing. Maybe because I have no clue what it could mean. The imagery, too, was shocking, and its implied metaphors have actually got me a little scared. Scared of what? Of God? Of healing? I'm not sure, because I'm not sure how that would apply to me. Maybe one of you can help.

The details of the dream are pretty muddled. Not sure how it started or what was going on. I was walking through some town, which I guess was South Orange, but instead looked more like a medieval European town that I am not familiar with. I was walking along. There were other people out on the sidewalks. I ducked down an alley to go another way. I think I must have been on my way to a bar. This seems to be the general feeling of the beginning of the dream. Then suddenly I am with 3 other people, all of whom are girls that I know in the dream, but now, upon waking, have no clue as to their identities. So we are walking behind this beautiful stone building. Turns out it is a private (Catholic?) school. It is built upon a lush, rolling green hill. This hill has scattered mini brick walls throughout. We are trying to make it up this hill, over and around these brick walls to make it to the street on the other side. Now, we know we are not supposed to be here; we are trespassing. But still we continue up and over these walls and the hill to get to our destination.

Then, suddenly lights are flashing and a siren screams. We've been spotted. Two of the girls are farther up the hill than I and the other girl had made it. They scramble to the top. We can't make it, however, because these mini walls are growing taller and taller, blocking us in, making it impossible to go over or around. So we turn back down the hill. There are walls growing there, but they are easier to bound over. The hill slopes sharply down, ending abruptly into a river some feet below us. Across the river, close, but too far to jump, is another piece of land. If only we can get over there! We scramble down the hill toward that piece of land. I am more concerned with getting myself there, but I never lose the feeling of this other girl being near me, trying to save herself as well. Then suddenly a piece of rock juts out from our side of the hill, out across the river, to connect with the other piece of land. This rock turns into a slide. Though frightened, I set my jaw, and re-determine myself to get to the other side. I let myself go and I slide.

I'm on the other side! I made it. The other girl is with me too. So, we're running along the green land, trying to find a way back to where we had come, but a giant stone wall, part of the school's facade perhaps, is standing in our way. From where we are on this little island, there is no way back. We are looking for a way out when suddently I find a tower, a castle turret, it seems. I fling open the door and pour myself inside onto the stone steps leading up, up, up. I begin to climb. The tower just keeps going up. Up and around, a spiral staircase hugging the walls of the cold, beige stone tower. I keep going up. There are little slit windows. I look out one, but I can't remember what I see. Suddenly, the stairs change direction. Instead of climbing the stairs with the wall to my right, suddenly the wall is to my left, but I am still climbing up, up, up.

Then, finally, I reach the top. There is a little wooden door. I open it, and beyond I see only blue sky and clouds. This is Heaven. God is out there, I know it. I turn to speak to the girl who had followed me up. "This is it," I said. "This is the way out. We have to jump." Up so high where nothing can be seen below, I peer out into the open blueness of "Heaven." Initially scared, I take a deep breath. Then, just like before, I let myself go, and I dive head-first out of the tower.

Now I'm falling, falling, falling. The clouds, the blue sky, all zooming past me, and yet I'm not scared, nor am I falling all that fast. In fact, it's more like I'm floating down softly, down to where I will be safe. Suddenly there are two more people by my side. One is a man and one is a woman, but I have no idea who they are. I'm still floating, but I'm no longer in the sky. I'm floating above my bed, my room lit dully with the gray of a barely waking sun. Then they are gone, and I am safe in my bed. In my dream, I am in my bed, and I am awake and safe.

I'm not really awake. I'm just "conscious" of the fact that I am awake in my dream. I sit up (and this is where the whole ooh Godly metaphor becomes completely ridiculous), and reach for my drink on the side table. It is a lime-flavored Zima (what?!?). I can taste it. It's fizzy and citrusy. Someone says something to me about it, but I don't know who it was or where they came from. I don't even see them. I laugh. And then suddenly I'm making out with someone, but I don't know who that was either. Josh Rouse? That doesn't feel right, but I think it kind of looked like him. Can't be sure. And then I woke up. For real this time.

I laughed at the Zima and the making out. But it wasn't until a few hours later that I suddenly got a flash of falling out of the God-Tower. What is that about? I'm in awe, and a little frightened. There was such a feeling of peace, immediately after my flash of fear. Almost like God telling me, it'll be okay. "Whatever it is you're scared of, let go. It will be okay..."

If only I knew what He was talking about...

Summing Up

Damn! I'm getting bad at this again :(

I know I still haven't posted the pictures of my fun times out on July 17th. I'll get around to it eventually, haha. Believe me, it was really cool and dorky, and maybe a little creepy, but I wasn't there alone, so who am I to judge?

I finally finished Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. It lost me a little in the middle but had a really cute ending. I want to read the others, but for some reason they're always hard to track down from the library. Probably because they're technically children's books, and we all know how children treat books (though, honestly, I didn't treat books poorly when I was little. I treated them like prizes, still do, which is probably why my stuff is always in good condition. Plus, I still do the Pineville Tuck, haha). Oh well. In high contrast, I think I might start reading Atlas Shrugged soon. It's supposed to be enlightening and earth-moving/shattering and inspiring and all that crap. I figured I'll be an adult and give it a go. But at 1,000+ pages... we'll have to see, haha. What I really want to read is Pride and Prejudice and Zombies haha. It seems really clever and funny. We'll see.

Oh! I also bought a new guitar on Friday. My old one was falling apart, and I was afraid to play him. The bridge was lifting, which for you non guitar-speakers, means that the wooden part that holds the strings on to the body of the guitar is starting to give way to the 300+ lbs of pressure exerted by the strings. It gives way all the way, and it'll rip off of the guitar with the force of... well... with a lot of force. I was starting to fear being smack in the face with the spring-action of the broken bridge, so I decided to go ahead and make a new investment. My new guitar is pretty. He's a vintage sunburst Epiphone PR150. I'll show you pics of that too :)

Otherwise, not much is up. I've been really into Hopes and Fears by the band Keane. If you don't know them, check them out. That album is awesome :)

That's all for now!
christina

9 Days And Nothin' To Show For It... Well Almost Nothing... :)

Okay, I'm way overdue for a post here. Not sure what was standing in my way last week. I think at some point I had planned a post about "Thriller," and how I had a hard time understanding the lyrics, but I killed that one before it could be published. Figured it was only amusing to me, haha. As are many of my posts, but that's a story for a different day/therapist.

Over the past 9 days, not a lot has happened in the World of Christina. Let's see. I got a new car, Lafayette, that I told you about last time. He's being pretty cool to me, though occasionally making a gurgling noise, which is probably due to the fact that I accidentally put too much coolant in him. Whoops. But besides that he's cool. Still occasionally amazes me at how much natural bass his sound system has. Bass is at 0, and I still get the whomp whomp whomp sometimes, hahaha.

I've taken up reading the Harry Potter books again. I started a few summers ago, but only got through the first two since I couldn't find the third one at any of the Public Libraries of Charlotte-Mecklenburg County. Right now I'm about halfway through Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. It's pretty good despite the fact that it's my least favorite of the movies to-date. Hah. Kind of want to see the 6th movie, but at the same time, I want to have been able to read it before I watch it so I can compare that way. Though, I suppose if I like the movie, then the book won't be a disappointment, but whatever. Right now my plan is to just work through the books. We'll see what happens.

The only other interesting thing that I did was on Friday the 17th. What is it you ask? Well, you'll have to tune in next time since it will probably involve pictures and lots of pre-teen-esque squealing, and I don't have the time for it right now, haha.

Until next time!

P.S. - the spell check just suggested "Azerbaijan" for "Azkaban." That could work too, haha.