So, it has been way way WAY too long since I last updated this thing. Over a year. I am the shittiest blogger ever.
For about a week, I've wanted to post something here, but whenever I sat down and thought about what to put here, I came up short. What the hell could I write here that would be worth anyone's time reading? I suppose since this was a personal blog and didn't have any real direction, my boring life is the way to go. And I know I've tried the whole rebirth of a blog thing before, and I've ALWAYS failed miserably. I'm not even going to pretend that this is me trying to breathe life back into my silly little blog. It's just a single entry. Nothing special, except a reminder that I'm still here.
The problem, I think (and I know I've mentioned this before), is that there are so many other social networking sites. I barely keep up with Facebook, Tumblr comes and goes in my mind, though if I ever need a pictures-of-pretty-people fix, that's really the place to be. The only social networking site I use consistently is Twitter. The thing about those three is that they're all connected. If I post something on Tumblr that I don't want people to see, I have to run to Facebook to delete it. I always have to think about how my family or my co-workers would react to certain things. For the most part, I have a "who cares" attitude, but, you know what, dammit? Sometimes I want to be angsty and emotional and irrational, and fuck it. Who even has this link anymore? Who even reads it (besides maybe Amy. Hi, Amy!)?? I mean, if anyone bothered to go back through my past entires, there's enough of the angst and emotion to power a small town. Provided emotion can be converted to an energy source. You know what I mean.
So, what's happened to me in the past year? Well, I think the BIGGEST change is that I finally dumped my boyfriend of, like, three and a half years. This was back in April (Damn, I DO suck). I mentioned him on the blog back in 2007 when we met, if you want to run and read the stupid entry I wrote about him. When I read it over, it just sounds so phony. And I'll be honest here, AS I was writing it, I felt like a giant phony. Like I knew I should be excited about him, and I should be gushing, but I just could not muster the adequate emotions. Perhaps that should have been my first clue that this would be no good. Either that or the fact that he told me he loved me, like, a month or so into our dating. No, that's not sweet. That's fucking creepy. Yeah, I'm talking dirt. What of it?
I was dating him when my dad died (I don't know if I ever mentioned this on this blog before. Hell, there are still some people in my life who don't know that fact about me), and I think that was when I really started debating dumping him. He wasn't very comforting, for one. It happened very close to the end of the Fall semester my senior year in college, and I had to go home before the semester ended. So I ended up having a full month break before I came back for the Spring semester. I can still remember the visceral feeling I had watching him pull up to the curb to pick me up from the airport. Almost like I didn't recognize him, and I didn't want to get in the car with him. Stranger Danger and all that. Something felt off. Of course, I fell into a bit of a depression, and I considered dumping him. In a moment of clarity, I even realized that my dad would probably even advise me to dump him, but I could never gather my nerve enough to do it. So it dragged on.
It just got to be too much. My brain telling me one thing while my heart told me another. My brain was the bigger idiot, telling me that everything was okay, nothing he said was that bad, I could get over it, beyond it. But the whole time, my heart was screaming that I was an idiot and I needed to get as far away as possible for my own good. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to listen to my heart, the truth that I knew deep down for so long, but willfully ignored. Because why? Because I'm an idiot.
This wasn't the original purpose of this post. It just drifted this way. And I certainly didn't mean to talk about Mumford and Sons again, but they ARE my soulband so it's pretty inevitable. But the reason I bring them up is because, as cheesy as it sounds, a few of their songs helped me find the strength inside myself to finally pull off that band-aid.
Love, it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you.
It will set you free
As cliche as it may seem, I want that tattooed on me somewhere.
And I feel numb beneath your tongue
Your strength just makes me feel less strong...
And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow
Take my hand, I'll be on my way...
That one rarely doesn't elicit tears.
So there, you go. The little post that almost wasn't and then I end up pouring out just a tiny fraction of my heart. Thanks, blog. You're a great listener.
No comments:
Post a Comment