Subdued in All Her Rage

The Color of Hunger

2012-01-17T08:41:00.001-05:00

I came up with that title this morning while I laid awake in bed around 2 or 3 a.m., willing myself to go back to sleep. I don't know what was wrong with me, but I'm pretty sure I only slept about 2 hours the entire night. The rest of the night was spent in a sort of... drifting, floating sort of way. The whole time, my brain didn't stop thinking about something. At one point I think I had a song stuck in my head, but it was nothing that I could identify. Sort of like the soundtrack at a grocery store. You know it's there, but rarely ever do you think about what's playing. So I'm lying in there in a sort of suspended lucidity and I am hungry as shit. I knew I was hungry when I went to bed around midnight, and I was still hungry an hour later when I finally decided to stop reading and actually go to bed. My theory was that it would be okay, that I could go to bed hungry, and I would just worry about it in the morning when I would be starving.

Easier said than done, I guess. Because as I lay there, I got a really, really fierce hunger for a first world resident, as I was sort of drifting around in my half-consciousness. And I started getting the overwhelming sensation of yellow. The color of my hunger was yellow yellow yellow. And not really like a sunshine yellow. It was darker, more shadowy. Not like a marigold, but maybe more like pollen. The yellow was just there the entire time my stomach struggled to growl. Once the sensation was gone, so was the impression of the color.

It was just really, really weird. I don't think I've ever experienced anything like that before. I wonder if it was just the synapses in my brain firing randomly. Or maybe trying to get my attention to take care of the situation. Or maybe in my half-sleep, half-way insomnia state, my senses actually fused? I don't remember if my eyes were open or closed, so I don't know if I actually saw the yellow. But it was there. Is yellow a common color associated with hunger? It makes me wonder what colors my other emotions are.

Alright. I need some toast.

I'm going to need a walker if I keep this up.

2011-12-29T22:43:00.000-05:00

I used my last two vacation days of the year for today and tomorrow. That means I traded 8+ hours a day sitting at a computer in an uncomfortable chair, dealing with diva-y, demanding reps, customers and freelancers for as many hours a day as I want spent sitting/laying on a worn out Ikea futon (in Ikea's defense, the mattress is from an old Walmart futon I used to own. It's killer. And I don't mean that in a good way) until my hips start to ache like I'm an elderly old woman, watching sappy, sad, supposedly heartwarming movies on TV, like Soul Surfer, which totally made me cry. It's awful. But it beats sitting at that damn desk. But torture, I tell you. For real.

For starters, I don't own a coffee machine. Well, technically, I own one. It's a little 2-serving contraption that I won at an office birthday party about three years ago. I have never taken it out of the box. Nor do I own any coffee grounds or filters or anything like that. I only recently invested in sugar, and that was only because I had a nasty cold and was forced to drink tea, but I'll be damned if I had to drink it without sugar. Or schnapps. Actually I'm pretty sure the schnapps cured the cold. But I digress. So, I don't own a coffee maker, which means that by the time 6pm rolled around, I had one of the worst caffeine headaches ever. I am so addicted to caffeine, that shit doesn't even keep me awake anymore. It's more like it keeps me a functioning member of society. Like the oil can to the Tin Man. So, I decided that I had to go to 7-Eleven, mostly because I have a reusable cup and thus get a discount. Otherwise, I'd totally have gone to Quick Chek, which, in my eyes, is a better establishment.

So I go in there, and get my French Vanilla coffee, and debate looking for some Billy's Pan Pizzas to eat with my coffee in my Ikea-furnished apartment and pretend I have a dragon tattoo, but in the end just opt for coffee. I get up to the register and it's $1.34. I fish out what I thought was $1.35 to give to the dude, so you can understand my consternation when he asks if I have four pennies, like it would be easier for me to fish out four cents than it would be for him to give me one back. Turns out, I only give him $1.30. And when I apologize to him, it comes out in a voice that I do not recognize at all. I don't know if it sounded weird to him too, or if he was merely reacting to the puzzled look on my face as I listened to a strange voice coming out of my own mouth. It was just an awkward situation, so I took my coffee and left. As I sat in my car waiting for it to warm up a little before I try to force it up the road back to my house, the voice echoed in my head. I can't even begin to describe it. It wasn't Danny Torrence-y, which is surprising given that the cashier was the first person I'd spoken to all day. But I had already been awake for about 8 hours, so the froggy voice had gone away. No, the voice was deeper and slightly detached from my body. I heard it like it wasn't actually coming out of my body, though it was saying the words that my brain was telling it to. It was a very strange, almost out-of-body type of experience. That ever happen to you? I can't quite shake it. The feeling. The odd, displaced feeling.

The coffee was really good though.

Post-vacay depression or PMS? Hard to tell.

2011-12-28T19:26:00.003-05:00

But either way, I am about three false moves away from digging my thumbs into someone's neck and strangling the life out of them.

I hate being this kind of blogger: the one who only writes when she's depressed, which is a lot of the time (hey, maybe I have depression. What a novel idea!). I've played this game before, and when I go back and read what I've written, it's not a fun game to play. And it's probably not fun for anyone reading this. But, sometimes you have to get it out.

I'm pretty sure my roommates are trying to edge me out of the apartment. Not overtly. It's very passive aggressive. And it's totally possible that I'm just paranoid. When our other girl roommate moved out, I moved my mini fridge and microwave from my bedroom to the empty bedroom so that I could actually get some floor space in the one room in the apartment that I actually spent time in. I told the existing roommate that I was going to try to move it to the attic, if her boyfriend, who was to become our new roommate would help me, what with his being a guy and me being too weak to bring the fridge up there myself. We all forgot about it, and they sat in the empty room which became their wardrobe/his office. Yesterday he informed me that he was going to check with his firefighter friend to check to see if the beams in the attic would support the 1.7 cubic feet refrigerator. Last night they woke me up at 10:30 whilst speaking loudly with said firefighter friend about how the beams would not support it (wtf kind of beams are these? This house is going to crumble to the ground someday, isn't it?) and that even if they did, you can't keep a fridge up there in sub-freezing temperatures... for reasons they did not disclose (and I have never heard). So they probably put the fridge and microwave in the garage. I say probably because despite the fact that they were both home when I wandered in today at 5:30, neither one of them has said anything to me about it. But I did see what they put in the room in the fridge's place: a bookcase filled with teddy bears. Yes, you read that correctly.

I do not understand men at all. I've had enough confusing encounters in the last two weeks with as many guys to last me a long time. To make matters worse, I've had Adele's "Someone Like You" stuck in my head all day long. Their brains are like a fucking labyrinth, and I'm the mouse, but there's only the prospect of cheese at the end. Who the fuck knows what's going to happen. ALSO? I am watching "He's Just Not That Into You" (I didn't put it on; it just happened to be on) and I may or may not have just cried at the following exchange:

Girl: So what am I supposed to do? Run from every guy who doesn't like me?
Guy: Yes.
Girl: But then there'll be no one left.
Me: UGH *tears*

Hint: This is all true.

I applied to a job a few weeks ago, and I have been desperately waiting to hear something. I sent a follow up about a week and a half ago before I went on vacation and was told that she was just getting ready to send an update email. Then I got another email a few minutes later sent to everyone who applied saying that they had more applicants than expected, and that they were still working on going through the applications and making a shortlist, and that they'd get us more information before the holidays. So far nothing, and I am going crazy, and I think I pinned all my hopes and dreams on the outcome, and I'm trying really hard to prepare myself for disappointment, just like everything else in my life, and it's starting to really suck. But I don't want to give up yet. I really want this. I'm going to go as far as saying that I really NEED this. I need this to work out. I need this all to happen. I deserve this. I would be GREAT at this. I am going to hear good news. I am going to hear good news. I am going to hear good news.

I'm glad I have some vacation days left this year. I think I'm just going to stay in my room for the next 5 days and read a cheesy YA novel, preferably with a cute, swoonworthy boy, and not surface again until Tuesday or if I absolutely have to go to the grocery store, whichever comes first. Maybe I'll go right now so I don't even run the risk over the next couple of days.

Pouring My Heart Out... Though It's More Like a Dribble

2011-12-15T23:55:00.003-05:00

So, it has been way way WAY too long since I last updated this thing. Over a year. I am the shittiest blogger ever.

For about a week, I've wanted to post something here, but whenever I sat down and thought about what to put here, I came up short. What the hell could I write here that would be worth anyone's time reading? I suppose since this was a personal blog and didn't have any real direction, my boring life is the way to go. And I know I've tried the whole rebirth of a blog thing before, and I've ALWAYS failed miserably. I'm not even going to pretend that this is me trying to breathe life back into my silly little blog. It's just a single entry. Nothing special, except a reminder that I'm still here.

The problem, I think (and I know I've mentioned this before), is that there are so many other social networking sites. I barely keep up with Facebook, Tumblr comes and goes in my mind, though if I ever need a pictures-of-pretty-people fix, that's really the place to be. The only social networking site I use consistently is Twitter. The thing about those three is that they're all connected. If I post something on Tumblr that I don't want people to see, I have to run to Facebook to delete it. I always have to think about how my family or my co-workers would react to certain things. For the most part, I have a "who cares" attitude, but, you know what, dammit? Sometimes I want to be angsty and emotional and irrational, and fuck it. Who even has this link anymore? Who even reads it (besides maybe Amy. Hi, Amy!)?? I mean, if anyone bothered to go back through my past entires, there's enough of the angst and emotion to power a small town. Provided emotion can be converted to an energy source. You know what I mean.

So, what's happened to me in the past year? Well, I think the BIGGEST change is that I finally dumped my boyfriend of, like, three and a half years. This was back in April (Damn, I DO suck). I mentioned him on the blog back in 2007 when we met, if you want to run and read the stupid entry I wrote about him. When I read it over, it just sounds so phony. And I'll be honest here, AS I was writing it, I felt like a giant phony. Like I knew I should be excited about him, and I should be gushing, but I just could not muster the adequate emotions. Perhaps that should have been my first clue that this would be no good. Either that or the fact that he told me he loved me, like, a month or so into our dating. No, that's not sweet. That's fucking creepy. Yeah, I'm talking dirt. What of it?

I was dating him when my dad died (I don't know if I ever mentioned this on this blog before. Hell, there are still some people in my life who don't know that fact about me), and I think that was when I really started debating dumping him. He wasn't very comforting, for one. It happened very close to the end of the Fall semester my senior year in college, and I had to go home before the semester ended. So I ended up having a full month break before I came back for the Spring semester. I can still remember the visceral feeling I had watching him pull up to the curb to pick me up from the airport. Almost like I didn't recognize him, and I didn't want to get in the car with him. Stranger Danger and all that. Something felt off. Of course, I fell into a bit of a depression, and I considered dumping him. In a moment of clarity, I even realized that my dad would probably even advise me to dump him, but I could never gather my nerve enough to do it. So it dragged on.

It just got to be too much. My brain telling me one thing while my heart told me another. My brain was the bigger idiot, telling me that everything was okay, nothing he said was that bad, I could get over it, beyond it. But the whole time, my heart was screaming that I was an idiot and I needed to get as far away as possible for my own good. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to listen to my heart, the truth that I knew deep down for so long, but willfully ignored. Because why? Because I'm an idiot.

This wasn't the original purpose of this post. It just drifted this way. And I certainly didn't mean to talk about Mumford and Sons again, but they ARE my soulband so it's pretty inevitable. But the reason I bring them up is because, as cheesy as it sounds, a few of their songs helped me find the strength inside myself to finally pull off that band-aid.

Love, it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you.
It will set you free

As cliche as it may seem, I want that tattooed on me somewhere.

And I feel numb beneath your tongue
Your strength just makes me feel less strong...

And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow
Take my hand, I'll be on my way...

That one rarely doesn't elicit tears.

So there, you go. The little post that almost wasn't and then I end up pouring out just a tiny fraction of my heart. Thanks, blog. You're a great listener.

Why Europe? This is why. :)

2010-11-24T20:40:00.009-05:00

So, I think I might be going to Europe next spring/summer. Money still needs to be saved, and tickets bought, and hotels reserved, and all that good stuff, but still. Oh, and I need to renew my passport. That'll be important to. But the point is, I'm going. I may be going. I'm probably going.

Maybe I'll come back.

I'm kidding. Of course I'll (probably) come back. My life is (sort of) here. I mean, this place is (kind of) my home, you know? How could I ever (seriously) consider leaving?

Maybe because Europe has THESE BOYS!!

I think I'm in love. No. I KNOW I'm in love. I've been casually listening to them for months now, but never bought their album. I wanted to go to their show in NYC, but BOTH shows were SOLD OUT and I couldn't get a ticket :( I know! Anyway, so since my missed opportunity (more than you know. Like, for real. Let's just say someone I know had a REALLY good time at the show. And after. TOTALLY JEALOUS!), I've been scouring YouTube for their music. And when Borders bestowed upon me a 50% off coupon today, I used it to actually buy their CD. I've been listening to it since about 4pm when I got home from the mall. It's now just before 9pm. That's right. 5 straight hours of this. It's THAT great.

Here is a little sample. It's called "Little Lion Man." Seriously love this song. I think I've listened to it about 100 times in the past, like, 5 days. Amazing. Mumford & Sons rock my socks :)

A Change of Scenery, Or How I'll End Up Living in Europe Before I Realize What's Happened

2010-09-28T23:30:00.008-04:00

Lately I've been overcome with the urgent need to run away. Not just running away and never looking back. More like strategic disappearing. All my important contacts would know where to find me and how to contact me, but life as I know it in New Jersey would be gone, a thing of the past. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm in almost desperate need of a change of scenery. This isn't the first time this has happened.

I suppose the first time this happened, I was 18 years old. I was graduating high school soon, and I was tasked with choosing myself a college. Six years later, I realize I made the horrible mistake of applying to only one school (albeit, I did agonize over which schools to apply to, and instead of casting a wide net -- which would have been BETTER -- I went for only a select few. And ultimately only one). I got accepted, and was even given scholarship money. And the kicker? It was in New Jersey, a cool 600 miles away from home in North Carolina. In New Jersey I would never again have to see anyone from high school if I didn't want to. In New Jersey, I could reinvent myself, become my own person, find my own way. In New Jersey, I'd be close to New York City, the city of my dreams, the city that would offer me everything I ever wanted, the city that would probably chew me up, spit me out, but enjoy the taste so much, it'd invite me back in and we'd have a laugh. New Jersey was the answer to everything.

I realize now how naive I was. It's true I haven't seen people from high school unless I want to, and I suppose I have reinvented myself in a way. I'm a bit more outgoing, loud, opinionated -- typical NY/NJ area (I've even picked up a bit of an accent *groan*). I guess it's also true that I've become my own person, and I've kind of found my own way. I have a job and an apartment, and don't live with my parents. That all is true. It's the rest of it, the promises this all implied that's lacking and leaving me feeling unfulfilled. I suppose I should have realized that it wouldn't be easy, but I haven't just sat back and waited for it all to happen to me. I've tried; I've worked hard; I've put myself out there. Maybe it's the bad economy, or maybe I'm just a victim of bad timing. Or maybe what I've been looking for isn't here.

That's where the running away comes in. For months now, I've been longing to escape somewhere, to go on a prolonged vacation. Preferably somewhere I've never been before. I never got the opportunity to travel abroad for a year or so after college, just sowing my wild oats before I settled down and got a job. I searched for months after graduation for a job, finally landing one 4 months later. I've been at that job ever since. My 2-year anniversary just passed, actually, and I'm exhausted. I am so tired. Or maybe I'm just bored. I need to see something new. I need to do something new. I want to live somewhere new. Jag vill flytta till Sverige. Ich will nach Deutschland verlagern. I want to move to England.

If you're not careful, I might start looking for jobs in one of those places. That'd be a helluva change. Great, now I'm giving myself ideas...

Drag Queens and Vampire Diaries

2010-09-08T23:44:00.004-04:00

I think I have a new favorite channel: LOGO. It's a GLBT channel that seems to constantly play episodes of RuPaul's Drag U or old reruns of Buffy. There are also occasionally movies, and other shows, but these are the two shows that seem to be on whenever I turn to the channel. Not that I'm complaining! have you ever watched Drag U?! It is hilarious. I love drag queens so much. And it's a nice little feel-good show too. I found my favorite queen from the show on Twitter, and she told me she loved me. It totally made my day, haha. Anyway, if you have the channel, I totally suggest that you watch it. It's really entertaining, and kind of addictive.

Anyway, besides watching hours of Drag U, I've also been furiously working to get my tiny blog dedicated to the CW show The Vampire Diaries off the ground. My friend and I started it in June, but didn't do much with it, and with Season 2 starting TOMORROW, we figured we should probably make use of it. So, for the past few weeks, we've been working our asses off to create content -- recaps, wishlists. We even produced a VDBingo game. It's like regular bingo, but with a Vampire Diaries twist! If you're a fan of the show, you should definitely go read some of the stuff on there. It's a snarky good time :) www.salvatoreboardinghouse.wordpress.com.

Besides that, not a lot has been going on since I posted a few weeks ago. I originally signed in here to make a more angsty post, but decided against it. It wasn't going to be like the past few that I've posted. It was going to be on an entirely different topic. In fact, I'm not sure if I've written about that topic here before ever. Maybe I'll give it a go tomorrow, or at least soon. I have a sinking feeling it might be plaguing me for a while. It's already been over a month. Sorry to be vague and annoying, haha. But I don't really want to get into it right here right now. Maybe/probably later.

Until then... watch and read! :)

Wow, I'm kind of a downer...

2010-08-16T14:08:00.006-04:00

So... I'm quite the Debbie Downer, eh? Haha. I knew how depressing those last few posts sounded while I was posting them, but I can't even reread them right now because they were so bad/difficult to stomach. I suppose I'm still partially there, though I think I've gotten used to it, so I'm not as whiny (hahahaha right). I haven't even posted since late July because I couldn't bring myself to dwell on the same tired subject again. So I will try not too... for now...

Not a lot has happened, really. I'm still debating the things I talked about last post... new jobs and all, but I'm not sure what I would do, or even when. Like I've said many times before, I would love to live in Charlotte, but I suppose that would depend on what jobs I could find. I'm not even sure if I still know what I want to do when I grow up. I'm not sure when this "growing up" is going to take place, unfortunately. In a little more than 2 months, I'll be able to rent a car. Will it happen then? I don't know.

The other option that I've been toying with since I was still in college getting my Bachelor's was going to grad school. Okay, so I go to grad school. Next question: what the heck do I study?! I tried to figure this out, but I've only ever come up with one thing that would pique my interest: creative writing. It would be something that I'd be interested in studying, and I could always teach with a degree like that, not to mention become better equipped to pen the elusive Great American Novel. Either way, it'd be something new for me to do, in the process of (hopefully) bettering myself and my station.

So, back when I first thought of this idea, I started doing some research on schools. UGA was supposed to have a pretty good program. My friend was also thinking of going this route through Hunter College in NYC. That one sounded pretty good (especially considering the dissertation was just a novel -- whether or not you ever finished it!). But I never really got any further than just debating programs. I would consider it off and on over the years, but last week I really started considering it again. I researched a few more schools: Columbia University, NYU, and The New School. I couldn't actually find the program on the Columbia website during my quickie search (talk about elite!), so I don't really know anything about it except that James Franco is currently enrolled (♥♥♥). NYU, while very enticing, is expensive as balls. Seriously, more money than I paid per year for undergrad! The New School program sounded pretty good actually. Lots of workshops, seminars, stuff of that nature. And the dissertation is something like 100 pages of a novel (EASY!), and a 20 page research paper on some topic related to your field of study, which in my case would be fiction. EASY! That sounds awesome to me! Aaaaand, it's only like $11k-ish for a 24-credit year.

The problem with that (and not to sound like a snob) is that I don't know if I would be happy with an MFA from The New School. That makes me feel horrible. It's an accredited institution, and it's been around for like 80 years. But I guess I just envisioned myself going someone a bit more prestigious. I think I have too high expectations. Because, really, there is NOTHING WRONG with The New School. I've actually considered going to the New School before (though I can't remember now for what). And, really, when I think about it, it wouldn't be so bad... I think the issue is that I'm trying to talk myself out of going, period. I don't have the money to pay out of pocket, and just thinking about filling out a FAFSA, or applying to financial aid gives me a serious case of the heebie-jeebies. Ugh. The learning, the school work, the commuting I can do. But when it comes to financial issues, I chicken out. I actually said to myself "Ah, you can just learn from experience!" Wow, way to be a downer, me.

So here I am. Still working, not matriculating, and still trying to figure out what I want to do "when I grow up." *Sigh* This is my quarter-life crisis, I guess.

I Wish I Had a GPS For My Life

2010-07-27T11:48:00.004-04:00

I had kind of forgotten that I wrote all that last time. It wasn't so much that I had forgotten that I had written it as much as I had forgotten that I had had all those thoughts just days before I had them all over again, in a much weakened state.

Let me explain: last week was awful. Well, the beginning of the week was awful. It was a low point in my impending quarter-life crisis. Monday was such a crap day, that I decided about halfway through the work day that I was going to go home and search for jobs in Charlotte. Fuck it. I'd had enough. I thought about it for the rest of the day; it was sort of my driving force to get through the rest of the day. I thought about it a bit when I actually got home, but I was so drained from being enraged for most of the day, that I never looked. Still haven't.

Then, on Wednesday, I went into the City to see Chuck Klosterman do a book talk on Eating the Dinosaur. It was really good, really funny. He's such a great and entertaining writer. He simultaneously makes me feel smart and dumb when I read this stuff, and he makes me want to be a better (and paid) writer. His writing inspires me, and I remember that more strongly whenever I spend a particularly long time with his writing, and even more so when I hear him speak (2 times, now). As I was sitting on the train going into the city, I realized that if I were to move to Charlotte, I wouldn't be able to do this anymore. I wouldn't be able to, on a whim, go roam the city, or go to spectacular events, or see famous people out on the street, or almost bump into them getting on the subway. It's the little things, you know? These little insignificant things that make me happy, that make me feel validated, at least the tiniest fraction of a bit. There are other things in Charlotte, namely people who are important to me, that are calling me, but it would just be so much better if they all lived here with me, haha. I realize how selfish that sounds, but I'm completely serious. They should just all move here. We'd have so much fun (and get in so much trouble).

But they're not here, and they're not moving here, and again I'm torn. I'm not happy here; that much is clear to me. But I 1) lack the money to move into the city, and 2) lack the job opportunities to try to make a location change right now. Being complacent is so much easier than taking action. Especially when I can't figure out which action would be best, which I deep down want the most. I realized yesterday that I may be able to continue my job from a remote location (i.e., Charlotte), but I don't know if it would remain full-time, or turn into a freelance situation with sporadic work. That wouldn't be good. So still, I'm stagnant. And it's driving me insane.

I'm 24 years old, I'm only able to bank about 1/8th of my salary each month, and I'm drowning. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost. Someone come find me, please.

Welcome to Starbucks. May I Interest You in a Venti Soy Caramel I'm-Not-Getting-Any-Younger-uccino?

2010-07-16T10:39:00.005-04:00

Is it weird that for a second there, I just considered quitting my job and working at Starbucks? Like, for a second, I actually thought that making snotty professional types their half-caf soy mocha lattes or whatever could be inspiring. It could definitely afford me some much needed free time, don't you think?

But it's bad that I thought this, right? Like, it would be a serious pay cut. I already feel like I make on the low-end for what I do. I seriously need to be paid more for the amount of work that I do. Maybe I'm in the wrong industry. Maybe I should have gone to school to be a psychologist like I had thought about while I was in high school. For a while there, I really wanted to be an FBI profiler. No joke. I was all into it. But then journalism caught my heart, and against the advice of my parents, I went for it. Now I have a degree that was awesome to study, but is essentially useless to me since I don't even work in the journalism field. I hate newspapers. Hate them with a passion. Magazines are better, but hard as shit to get a job at if you're not freelancing, which I don't know if that's something I want to do right now. There's definitely the money in psychology, but I think I might enjoy reading/watching suspense crime dramas more than actually living them. I don't want a high risk job.

I don't know what to do with my life. I'm at a standstill. I think I mentioned this yesterday. I hate Jersey so much. I want out of this armpit. But if I go anywhere but into NYC, I'm going to miss it too much. I so badly want to move back to Charlotte, but, as much as I love it, that city is beans compared to NYC. It's THE CITY. You can't find a better city than that. It's true that I don't go in there often, but what would I do if I didn't have it in my life? It's like a weird addiction. A lover on retainer. I don't need it all the time, but it's nice to know that it's there when I do. When I need to escape into it. When I need to experience something new and exciting. How could I possibly part with it?

I'm sorry this is rambley, and disjointed, and possibly hard to follow. Welcome to my brain. I just wish I knew what I was doing with my life. I want to do something new, I want to get out of here, but I don't want to limit myself and dash my dreams by moving back to a relatively smaller metropolis. I don't even know what my dreams are.

I think I'm on the verge of a quarter-life crisis here.

Not Enough Hours In The Day

2010-07-15T10:48:00.003-04:00

Okay, so that writing I mentioned I was going to do while everyone was at work last post? Yeah, that didn't happen. I got distracted with an online game called Bloons. What the hell is wrong with me? My cousin was also there, trying to write lyrics... but I got him addicted to Bloons too! We suck at staving off procrastination, haha.

Anywho, I'm back in New Jersey now, having not written anything in like a week. I really need to get on that. I have so many side projects going on right now, it's hard to find the time, though. I think maybe my job isn't stimulating for me in the way that it needs to be in order for me to feel fulfilled. Instead, I have to put in 100% effort just to stay on task, which doesn't always happen. I take breaks, I get off task, but I still manage to finish my work. I'm just not that passionate about it. So I have to use my time after 5 to work on my side projects for which I have FAR more passion. These projects include, but are not necessarily limited to: reading, writing, reviewing, blogging, watching movies, catching up on TV shows, etc. Unforunately, there aren't enough hours in the day to engage in all of these activities in a given evening, so I have to pick and choose. Which leaves me WAY less than satisfied most of the time.

Which is why I usually only sleep 5 or 6 hours a night. I'm trying to suck every last second that I can out of that day, just so I can do something that I enjoy. Is that so much to ask? To be allowed to do something that enables me to escape a little bit from my sad, pathetic life? Tonight, I think I'm going to try to write. Not fiction, but an essay of sorts for a blog that my friend and I are trying to start. It hasn't been updated in almost a month, and we need new material. We have a bunch of ideas floating around, but nothing has been written. I guess you could call it a fangirl site, of sorts. It's a little dorky, but we love it. It's all about the CW (I know, I know) show The Vampire Diaries. You can read our 2 posts (haha *sigh*) here: The Salvatore Boarding House. We figure since it's the summer, we can be a bit slack, but once the season starts, we're going to try to update more regularly. If you decide to visit, I hope you enjoy.

Once I'm done with that, maybe I'll try working more on my 2009 NaNo, which I have tentatively titled "It's Not Too Late." We'll see. Or maybe I'll read. Or something else. I don't know. I need a job where I can get paid to do a hobby. That would be sweet. Until then, I have to content myself with staying up until 2 a.m. to allow my brain some sort of creative outlet...

NaNo 2009 Rewriting Update

2010-07-09T13:33:00.003-04:00

So, I decided to try what I was talking about last post. I've put aside the one story I've been working on fairly steadily for over a year, to rework my NaNo from 2009. For the most part I've kept most of what was written for the girl. I decided to keep her POV solely as written in her online blog, as before. But with the guy, I've pretty much rewritten that. Now, instead of only hearing what he's saying to the dog or around the dog, it's just standard first person POV. I've tried to keep the stream of consciousness to a minimum, focusing more on actions and what other people say, but I sneak some thoughts in there, too. So far, I think it's working. I've reworked something like 14 scenes, and it's flowing fairly easily. I'm pretty excited about that, actually. I'm still trying to figure out if it will be possible to pull off the original concept. I veered so far away from it in my original version, I'm not really sure how to pull it back. I'm trying though. I'll report back... :)

In other news, I flew to Florida late last night for a bit of visiting with the family. It's just as hot here as it was in New Jersey with that freaking heat wave. It's actually a little cooler here than it has been there, but apparently the temperature dropped like 15 degrees up there, so now it's cooler there than here. I can't win. Sheesh, haha.

Okay, while everyone is at work, I think I'm going to try a bit of writing before the house fills up again, and I get distracted...

Until then!

Writer's Block, Part 65

2010-06-30T09:29:00.003-04:00

It has been entirely too long since I've written anything original. I was going strong for a while there, about a month ago, even managing to write 13 pages in like 5 hours one day. I don't think I've written anything since. It's totally bumming me out. I know all I have to do is just, oh I don't know, do it, haha. I just need to find the motivation.

See, the issue I'm having right now is that I've hit a slump in the story that I've been working on for a really long time now. I have a general idea of where I'm going, but I don't really have it mapped out scene-by-scene. I know everyone has their own style and writing process, but I'm starting to wonder if my method just isn't working for me anymore. I tend to meander my way through the plot, usually ending up somewhere totally off-track from where I intended. That's fine and all; it's part of the creative process, the journey. It happens. But sometimes I get so far off course, I have to back-track and rewrite. That already happened once. I'm now on the second version of this story. And the wall I've hit now is making me think I have to back the truck up again and rework some things. That's not a bad idea. Like I said, I understand that that's the writing process, but I'm losing steam. It's just frustrating in a totally trivial way. *Sigh*

So, I've been considering laying that one aside for the time, to stew a bit, and moving on to another piece I started last year for NaNoWriMo. I managed to make it to 50k words in November of last year, but I wasn't entirely satisfied with how it turned out. It wasn't even finished. I just sort of stopped because, once again, I had hit a wall. I love the characters; I fell in love with them immediately. And I like their situation, but I think my issue is with the way the narrative is told. The girl's point of view is told completely from her entries in an online diary that she keeps. The guy's point of view is told entirely through conversations he has with his dog (he's not crazy; the dog doesn't talk back. It's more of a therapeutic thing, haha). I really love that concept, but I haven't quite figured it out enough so that it works really well. The blog part works alright, but the dog part reads kind of funny sometimes. It doesn't really work. I think it might work better if I also had a 3rd person omniscient view point, but I don't really want that. The point was originally to tell the story through these people in a way where the reader didn't get to see all their thoughts, which is why I approached it this way. People have a hard time admitting things about themselves if they have to say it out loud (or type it for the world to see). We're only ever close to 100% honest in our own heads (though, even then we may not be honest with ourselves). Maybe I'll just switch it to normal first person, like an inner monologue, but try to reign in the stream of consciousness. I'm good at that... which is why I wanted to switch it up and not do that.

I don't know. Maybe I'll try it that way for a while, see how it works out... I'm excited to try again. Now I just have to find the time...

Waterlogged

2010-06-22T15:10:00.004-04:00

I don't know why or what's going on, but I am currently suffering an all-consuming thirst. Maybe it was the honey mustard on my sandwich. Maybe it was the ultra-delicious pickle I had on the side. But something about my lunch fucked me up, and now I can't stop drinking water. It's driving me nuts. In a little over an hour, I've had somewhere around 32 oz of water. Maybe that's not a lot; I don't know. But my stomach surely feels like it is. All that water sloshing around and making me uncomfortable.

Is this ever going to stop?!

And now my Nalgene is empty again. The thought of another really cold refill not only sounds delicious and refreshing, but also nauseous-making and ill-advised. The water feels so good pouring into my belly, but once it's there... I don't know if I'm going to bet able to waddle to the bathroom when or if my body starts processing it.

Maybe if I regularly drank more water, I wouldn't feel like I am ODing. As it is, I need to curl into a ball.

*shrug* Just felt like I should share -- you know, since I'm trying to be in the spirit of sharing the mundane details again...

Let's Try This Again...

2010-06-19T22:07:00.004-04:00

Wow, I am really bad at this whole journal-keeping thing. I blame the internets. No, really, I do. I think I've expounded a bit on this before. It's so easy to be involved in things -- blogs, social networking sites, Twitter, etc, -- it can get quite distracting. So, once again I have let this blog sort of lapse into the blackhole that is the World Wide Web (wow, when's the last time you hear someone refer to it as that? haha).

Anywho, once again, I suppose I was feeling a little nostalgic, so I decided to go peruse my old livejournal, and re-realized that I was so free with that one, writing about my everyday life like it was actually interesting. I really need to start doing that again. I did that here once too. I need to stop trying so hard. "I'm just cataloging my life," I'll have to tell myself, as a meager motivation to write something. So I revamped this blog again, changed the colors and layout. I figured maybe if I change up the way it looks, I'll be more willing to look at it, and thereby, more willing to write on it. We'll see. Again.

God, I hate that I'm so bad at this. I wish that my life was something interesting, something worth reading: a doctor, an exchange student studying abroad and documenting my experiences, something. Instead, I am a (reluctant) young professional, living in New Jersey, wishing I lived in Charlotte, wishing I did something that I was really proud of, wishing I made more money so that maybe I'd have the freedom to do something that I was really proud of. Not yet, though, I guess. It's not in my cards for the immediate future. So maybe this can be a catalog of me struggling to attempt that. That's pretty much what it's been so far. Why not continue, with a renewed effort? I think I will. I'll try at least.

So, that's it in a nutshell. Welcome. This is my pitiful, wasted life.

"Remember Me": In Hindsight

2010-03-15T15:02:00.014-04:00

Over the past 18 hours, I've been trying to sort through the mess the new Robert Pattinson film Remember Me has left of my head. As I was watching it, I was enjoying it. When it was over, I wasn't so sure any more. As the night wore on, and my mind kept running around, trying to make sense of what I'd seen, I started to like it again. I think. The surprise ending (which I will not give away) was screwing with me, making me think, which I suppose is a good thing. I even dreamed about it. I woke up, got ready for the day, and found myself thinking about it, still, on the drive to work (I was even running late because every time my cell phone alarm went off, my brain thought it was a text message from the main character Tyler Hawkins, haha). By the time I got to work, I liked the movie again. I even gave a positive review to a coworker.

Now, at 3:00 p.m. I'm starting to reconsider, again. On the surface, it had an interesting concept. Two college students who have both faced family tragedy in their lives tentatively begin a relationship, find they actually do like each other, and begin to fall in love. However, the very pretense that brought them together threatens to break them apart. Can they keep it together while also trying to salvage what's left of their families? I won't tell you the answer, but suffice it to say, the journey is entertaining, heartbreaking, and even, at times, insightful.

But was what I spent 2 hours watching last night really all that good? Sure, it had its moments. Sure, it was interesting to watch. I laughed in the appropriate spots, and enjoyed the hell out of supporting character Aidan, Tyler's quirky binge-drinking roommate played by Tate Ellington (who is adorable, and quite possibly my favorite part of the movie). I mean, there was definitely enough man-candy to go around. But, I also enjoyed the character of the littler sister, Caroline (Ruby Jerins), who, in a way, reminded me of myself at that age (only, honestly, like 57x more awesome!). But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't distracted by the fact that it was Robert freaking Pattinson in this movie. Poor guy. He is quite the distraction. Not because he's super handsome (though, admittedly, his is NOT bad to look at). It was more of the whole "oh my god, it's that guy who's on all the tabloids and whom virtually every female between the ages of 5 and 50 is in love with, myself included on certain days, etc." So, between the occasional sighing and giggling I heard coming from various directions, it was sometimes hard to get into the story.

Which brings me to that fact: the story. Rumor had it, it was based on a book, but a little googling tells me that it is, indeed, NOT. That's a shame because I was hoping maybe reading the book would help answer a few of the holes I felt were in the story-telling. Like I said, the relationship started of tentatively. It was almost awkward, forced. But I suppose it was believable, given that the whole thing was started as a scheme between the guys. You know, like how boys in movies do. That's all fine and good (though morally questionable, boys). But they never really mentioned it or came back to it until it was An Issue. The only allusion to it is a shake of Aidan's head on the night of Tyler and the girl's (whose name is Ally) second date. And I love Chris Cooper (who was Ally's father, Sgt. Neil Craig), and he played the character well, but I didn't believe the playful, dependent relationship between the cop father and struggling-to-find-herself daughter at the beginning of the movie. That felt forced. Maybe, then, it was Emilie de Ravin, though I don't know about that since she was fine the rest of the movie (not to mention pretty much rocks in LOST). I don't know. What was the problem then? I can't tell.

As the story went on, I became more comfortable with the characters and their situations and behaviors. I felt bad for them (and good for them) in all the right spots. But then, when Sgt. Craig comes around again, beats Tyler (again), and the aforementioned pretense is revealed, I felt very little as the characters seemingly overreacted and sent themselves into unnecessary pity-binges. Maybe I just expect too much maturity from the characters who are only supposed to be a couple of years younger than I; I don't know. But I guess it was alright; things started to pick back up (with a decidedly emotional display of brotherly love), so all was good.

But then came the ending. Ho. Ly. Shit. I wasn't expecting that. I'm not going to give it away, but it was jarring to say the least. I've heard a lot of people criticize the ending as a hokey attempt at a sort of sensationalism, an attempt to scare the audiences into submission and acceptance with their own fear. Now, now, before you think that zombies came out of nowhere, it was nothing like that. But once we figured out what was going to happen (which didn't fully occur to everyone until minutes before the end), I think it's safe to say the whole audience was a little shocked and pulled from the narrative.

There was a voice-over to the movie, over the last few minutes, but I couldn't tell you what he said. I heard his voice, but none of the words registered as my brain lost all ability to comprehend language. As it finally faded to black, my thoughts came back, and I was mad. I couldn't understand why they would give the movie that hadn't been that bad such a shitty ending. But then I started thinking about it. It shouldn't really have been that big of a surprise. They gave us all the necessary clues throughout the movie. Some may have needed more context clues than others, which is probably why it went on for so long, but it was all there. So, shocking yes, but out of nowhere? Not really. And the harder I thought about it, the more I tried to remember that final voice-over that my ears had chosen to ignore, I realized that it had to end this way to deliver that final message. And, in my opinion, it's a hell of a message.

So, will this film change your life? Probably not. But was it a good movie? I think I'm going to have to go with yeah, it was pretty good, all things considered. It had its faults, but the relationships, the heartfelt characters, and that crazy twist ending overshadowed most of the awkwardness to make a rather enjoyable (and intensely thought-provoking) experience.

Dilemma averted.

Read what this person had to say about the script back in April 2009: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/04/memoirs.html

Here is (I think... could be...) the final voice-over text: http://quote-book.tumblr.com/post/133682783/whatever-you-do-in-life-will-be-insignificant-but

Winner! Sort of.

2009-12-08T23:09:00.002-05:00

Okay, so NaNoWriMo is finally over. And I won! Technically. I finished with 50,202 words, or somewheres about. I say technically because I had the correct amount of words, but I don't think there were very many good words in that bunch. Over all, just as predicted, this year's NaNo blew majorly, literarily speaking (I know that's not a word. But it fits haha). Since I finally submitted the manuscript to be counted on 11/30, I've been debating just deleting the entire thing. I don't particularly care about any of my characters, and nothing I wrote can't be recreated if needed, you know? Maybe I'll wait a bit on it.

As an official winner of NaNoWriMo this year, though, I am entitled to a free printed copy of my manuscript. I'm really torn between ignoring this, or submitting a previously written manuscript. They wouldn't know, unless they stalked down this blog, but the problem is that I also don't have any finished manuscripts at all. Why do I suck at finishing good things? I think I have until January to submit for "publication," so maybe I can work real quick to try to finish something. I don't know. I think they offered this last year too, and I completely ignored it. I guess nothing lost if I don't do it, right?

I just want to finish something. I guess I should get to work, eh? I need to stop reading fiction and start creating it!

Ugh.

NaNo Suckage. Lame.

2009-11-18T09:28:00.004-05:00

There are 13 days left of NaNoWriMo, and I'm about 2k word shy of 30k. That means I have to write the remaining 22k in two weeks. This isn't unheard of. In fact, I think that's about on par. But, it just seems a little daunting when you put it like that. I can do it, though. I WILL do it.

Unfortunately, 2009 was another shit year for my NaNo. My plot is falling apart. My characters are constantly changing, though, I suppose that's not a bad thing. They're just not turning out as I had originally planned. For example, my main character Nina was supposed to become obsessed with a musician, and have to endure a mentally crushing blow when she finds out that he's actually dead, subsequently becoming even more obsessed with him as time goes on, falling deeper and deeper into an imaginary world to cope with her outside problems. I still think this is a fascinating idea, but she just isn't cooperating with me! I've tried, but she's just not obsessed. I can't force it on her. She likes him; that's for sure. But she just doesn't like him enough. Now, 28k into the novel, she's found out he's dead, and it's upsetting, but she's not crushed. I think it's because she developed another problem I didn't foresee when I started.

You see, dear reader(s), Nina is... well, I don't want to give it away. She's having to deal with things she had dreamed of having to deal with. It's tearing her apart, and sort of making her create this false facade, constantly distracting herself so she doesn't have to think or deal with it. I suppose she's sort of doing what I had intended her, just not with the intended object. Nina is all over the place, kind of. She's starting to deal with the situation, and you, as a reader, think she is, but she's not. We'll get to that in the next 22k.

My other character, though, is right on schedule. Willem is being a good boy, and is doing everything I had planned for him, except for speaking a foreign language. Willem is a teacher, so he was supposed to put phrases and words here and there because said language has become second nature to him. I've been able to put a few in there, but if I want to make my word count goals, I can't distract myself too much with translating and conjugating. I decided they'll have to go in there during National Novel Editing Month. *Sigh*

Other than the characters, I also feel like my plot is falling apart. One of my chronic issues is details and minutiae. I write too many and concentrate on them for so long, sometimes I forget to forward the plot with them. I linger. I suppose part of the problem could be my inability to let go. Maybe I don't want my characters' story to be done. I think this is why I have such a hard time with endings. Endings kill me. But I also have a hard time knowing when enough is enough, and it's time to move the story along. Like, I feel that Willem and Nina's story/ies should be much further along than what they are at 28k.

Ah, well. I guess the point isn't to make it great, but to get it down, right? I hope I can write more at lunch today. Maybe I'll be able to get back on track.

Wish me luck!

christina

Another NaNo Update

2009-11-06T12:33:00.003-05:00

So, I'm about 8k words into this year's NaNo, and I'm already hitting a road block. This is not good. I've written everything I made notes on already. I'm having a hard time keeping it going without being boring. I kind of know what kinds of things are going to happen, but I feel like it's not quite the correct emotional time for the characters for the events to happen. One of the characters seems to be going correctly, but the other character... I know what I need to happen to her; I just can't quite seem to get her there. So I struggled for a while last night trying to come up with a way. I made a few more notes. Hopefully that'll help.

I don't think I told you much about it, so I'll fill you in a little. There are two main characters: Nina James and Willem Nathanson. Nina just got out of a really horrible, really ridiculous relationship. It ended... well, let's just say it did not end amicably. Willem is in a relationship and just moved to a new city to take a job as a teacher at a local high school. He likes his job, but his relationship may be on the rocks. The reader can't be sure since he doesn't talk much about his girlfriend, Gretchen. He does talk a lot about this mysterious girl he saw working at a record store. This would be Nina, though the reader hasn't been told his specifically. So, so far, he knows her, but she doesn't know him. They're going to interact soon, but I'm not there yet ;).

Oh, and the quirkiest part about it? The story is told as first person accounts, but you don't get to be inside the characters' heads in the traditional first-person method. Instead, the reader is a voyeur, overhearing conversations and reading blogs. So you only get stories from these two points of view. You never hear anything people say to them, and you only understand things they way they understand them outwardly. Nina's perspective is told solely from her blog. Though she's pretty candid, you have to imagine there are things she thinks that don't necessarily make the cut. Willem's perspective is told by things he says to his girlfriend (though you never hear her responses/comments), and the conversations he has with his dog, Seamus (who also never responds because he's a dog). The only story you get, is what they're willing to share. I think it's pretty cool.

Let's just hope I'll be able to make a story out of this. I haven't quite worked out how I'll relay the story once they actually meet. We'll see.

Until later,

christina

NaNo Countdown and Plan B (not the abortion drug)

2009-10-30T10:31:00.002-04:00

Okay, so NaNoWriMo officially starts in 2 days. 2 days!! I haven't written any more to my plan in probably a week or so. Hopefully I have enough to get going. I feel like my plot is a little thin, and I don't know if I'll be able to keep it up. Only time (30 days to be exact) will tell. I keep seeing scenes in my head, but they can't come until later than where I am at in my planning, so I haven't developed them yet. Maybe I should just suck it up and not worry about chronological planning, which is how I tend to plan stories. Well, if I plan at all. I don't actually plan stories out very well, which is a shame because I bought new index cards just for that reason. They're still wrapped in their plastic wrap, haha. Ah, well. I'll just let the words flow out of me when the time comes.

Let's see, not much else is new. I'm trying to work on my Plan B in case this whole office thing stops suiting me. But I don't know if I really want/can go into many details. We (royal we) are still working on it. I'll update you when I can (all 1-2 of you haha).

That's all for now.
Christina

I'm famous! Not really. Maybe a little. No, probably not at all.

2009-10-16T09:33:00.003-04:00

So, I don't know how I didn't realize that this was a blog-worthy development in my life until just now. Well, it's more of a moment than a development seeing as nothing has come of it except minimal bragging rights, haha. The story goes like this:

I think I've mentioned the website Television Without Pity before. It's kind of a database of show recaps. People get paid to write summaries of a bunch of shows. Not all shows on on there, but most of the big hitters like Lost, FlashForward, The Office, True Blood, Dexter, etc. are. You can even find recaps of some shows that are now defunct. In general, it's a pretty cool site. I am a frequent and avid reader of many of these recaps because they're snarky and insightful. These recappers notice things I don't, and as you may be aware, I notice a lot of ridiculous details.

Well, this past week while watching How I Met Your Mother, I actually noticed something the recapper had not. As I was watching the episode where Marshall and Lily are overbearing party hosts to a couples' night with Barney and Robin, I noticed something off about the calendar in Marshall's "It Was the Best Night Ever" video. The numbering was off for this week. I wondered via Twitter to recapper @CindyMcLennan why the dates were like that. She didn't know, but thought it peculiar enough to give me a shout-out in her recap. :D Eeee. I got name-checked on a website. That lots of people read. I'm famous, only not. At all. It's kind of like when I got honorable mention in that haiku contest for Psych haha. Ah, well. I still think it's cool. :) And now my fraction of a second of fame is immortalized forever in this post. And probably the TWoP archives. Provided they have archives...

I Need Sleep, And A Stronger Plot

2009-10-09T10:52:00.004-04:00

I don't know why the pictures in that last post aren't working anymore. I'll have to go in and fix the link or something, I guess. Gosh, that's a pain in the butt.

Anywho, forgive me readers, for I have sinned: It's been 17 days since my last update. Damn. It actually feels like much longer than that, but it's probably just due to the fact that I feel like I'm constantly awake and moving around and through my life. It's only been a little over two weeks since that last post, but it feels like months. Maybe I don't get enough sleep. I sleep probably around 5 to 6 hours a night, which isn't too bad, I guess. Though I think I need a solid 7 or 8 hours to be fully functional. This could very well be the cause of my short attention span as of late.

If I'm asleep for 5-6 hours, that means I'm awake each day for 18-19 hours. I couldn't even begin to tell you what I do in those hours, minus the roughly 9-10 hours spent working and commuting. So 8-9 hours. What do I do with them? I have no clue. I feel like I'm losing this time. Obviously, yes, I am aware of those hours; I am awake during that time, but nothing useful ever seems to get done during that time. Whatever free time I have... I feel so unproductive. I think work is wearing me down. I need to take advantage of my vacation days.

One thing that is providing a break from the norm is the looming start of NaNoWriMo is roughly 20 days. Ack! 20 days?!? I have SO much more planning to do. Remember that little writing idea I alluded to probably a month or two ago? I decided I was going to use it as this year's NaNo. I'll at least get a jump start at it, and can continue editing and writing even after the month is over. So right now I'm in the midst of planning. I have encountered what could be a problem though. As I'm writing my outline, I'm finding that I don't know if the premise is entirely plausible. Well, it certainly is plausible, but I don't know if it'll "work," you know? I'm missing a meaty element to the story, and unless I figure that out, I'm fucked, just like last year.

You see, the story was supposed to be about a young woman's decent into obsession and unfounded, unrequited love. You see, the object of her affections has been deceased for 12 years. I'm not really sure how this is going to work. I did a bit of research on the psychology of fixation yesterday, and it's pretty interesting, but I might have a hard time turning it into a story. She's definitely fixated, but that can't be the whole story. There needs to be some conflict or something. Maybe some mental break. We'll see. I'll keep working on it. Can't wait until November when I can actually start writing it!

Also, in music news: I've acquired a few more Jeff Buckley CDs. So far, "Sketches for 'My Sweetheart The Drunk'" is insanely good. It's really upsetting that it had to be posthumously released, but the fact that they didn't do any overdubbing and released the tracks exactly as they were left make it so insightful. There are a few moments in the tracks that were rough drafts that are funny and silly. They're raw, and I like that. I have a couple others that I haven't listened to yet, but I'm excited to crack open that cellophane!

Until next time, dear readers... :)

What Am I Doing With My Life?

2009-09-21T19:41:00.005-04:00

So, I was just checking my e-mail when I saw a story about a 13-year-old fashion blogger named Tavi Gevinson. She went to Fashion Week in NYC. She was welcomed with open arms by pretty much all of the designers. She went to parties. She mingled. Go read her blog. It's actually really amusing. I have no clue about any of the fashion stuff; I admit I don't "get" it. In fact, I think most fashion looks like a dare. A triple-dog dar. To look like a fool. Eh, to each his own. Anyway, so she writes this blog, gets Christmas gifts from famous designs, and she's 13. Did I mention this already? She's also writing a blog for Pop magazine. 13.

What the hell am I doing with my life? Or my blog. I suck. *shakes head*

Speaking of sucking, did I tell you that I ordered TruBlood? You know, the nutritious Japanese blood substitute designed to sustain vampires so they no longer have to feed on humans, and can therefore "mainstream" into society? Yeah, I ordered that. I just finished my first bottle today. It was very, very delicious. Kind of like liquid Sweet Tarts or Smarties. Mmm, I love me some Smarties. Who knew vampires could be sustained with pure sugar. Not really. But yes, yum.

I just love the packaging that it came in. The bottles are fatter than regular beer or soda bottles. It has a "thick" feel, which I think is a nice touch. They look just like the bottles they use on the show as props for our favorite vamps. I especially love the cardboard carrier that they came in.
The attention to detail is superb. Check out the heartrate lines.

I have one bottle left (my friend and I went halfsies, so she took the other two). I'm going to have to conserve... And totally keeping these bottles as souveniers. I love owning a piece of this show :)

The Dream Didn't Come True!

2009-09-07T15:55:00.010-04:00

I really just freaked myself out. I make a point to record most of my dreams in a journal. Or, at least, I try to record the poignant ones... or at least the ones that I remember. Okay, so sometimes I'm not very good at it, but I try. But the point is that dreams are very important to me, and I think that they can help us make sense of our days, of our thoughts. And maybe even sometimes they can tell us the future.

This has happened to me a few times, though it's never spot on. I think I've probably written about this here before, but whatever. I once had a dream that a friend was in a car accident near my high school -- turns out there was an accident there. He wasn't in it, but he was the one I heard it from. I once had a dream that my friend's grandmother died -- turns out she didn't. Another girl we went to school with lost her grandmother (and mother and little brother... horrible accident), but my friend was the one who told me about the grandmother (and mother and little brother). I once had a dream that another friend's car exploded-- apparently a few days later, it was stolen. The day before high school graduation rehearsal, I had a dream that this one kid was wearing a bright orange graduation gown, when no one else was -- the day of the rehearsal, he was wearing a bright orange t-shirt... I could list more...

So whenever I have a remotely ominous dream, I'm immediately thrown into panic mode. I'm so worried, I become physically distressed over the dream. They ruin my day sometimes. So, it's really no wonder I became so upset over the dream I had last November regarding one of my favorite musicians, Xxxx Xxxxxx*.

Now, I don't make a habit of dreaming about him, so when one does come along, I pay attention. This dream, was about him, though the underlying issue in the dream was about his wife. I don't necessarily feel comfortable writing about her as I've never met her, but it's for the sake of conveying the weirdo shit that's been going down in my Dreamland. In my dream (that I had on the night of 11/1/08), she was pregnant but had a miscarriage. I can't remember if I had actually heard in real life that she was pregnant again or not. I'm thinking no, but I can't be sure. So in the dream, she lost the baby. And Xxxx was upset. Like VERY upset. He was crying and in a really horrible state. I wanted to comfort him, but I couldn't. He couldn't be consoled. I felt so bad for him, I wanted to cry. I woke up distraught. It ruined my mood for a long time that day. I prayed to God that if she was pregnant, I was dead wrong.

So I kind of forgot about that dream, until I had a few more unsettling dreams about Xxxx Xxxxxx. I won't go into detail here as I don't really remember them. One involved a car accident (also VERY upsetting), another involving arrest for possession (haha), and another more personal one about him brushing me off when I saw him at a show. Haha, that was upsetting for different reasons. But because I try not to take much stock in these kinds of dreams, willing them to not be true, I didn't think about them much, and I had almost forgotten about the original dream.

But then I logged onto Facebook today. Holy shit, his wife had a baby a couple weeks ago! Yay! Oh, she's so cute! Congrats!! (She is adorable by the way. Aww!). Suddenly I remember the dream I had almost a year ago. I think, oh wow it was almost a year ago. maybe the dream was correct. holy crap that's really scary!. But then I actually went to a calendar to do the math. If the baby was born in August, can anyone tell me what month was 9 months ago? Yeah. November. The dream was a little over 9 months before the baby was born, so I have no idea what that was about. Wouldn't it be weird if I was channeling someone else's fears? But still, seriously. Holy crap.

*I originally wrote his name, but thought better of it. This dream was really weird and disturbing, so I figured it's probably best if I don't reveal real names. For whatever reason. Yeah.

I Bleed True Blood

2009-08-26T12:16:00.007-04:00

Wow, it's been 16 days since I had that dream. It feels like so much longer ago. Whatever it meant, I guess it's either not come true (which I good, I guess), or I'm not listening to it (which could be bad). I mean, nothing has changed. So I guess I'm in this sort of stasis, balancing delicately between potentially bad and potentially good. I guess it's an alright place to be until a mind (any mind) is made up.

That said, let's change topics. I have become ridiculously obsessed with HBO's True Blood. It's a sickness. I'm pretty sure I now eat, sleep, breathe and even bathe in True Blood. That sounds gross, but it's an effective metaphor. I'm not sure what it is, the "real" characters, the passion, the vampires, the actors. Something about it is drawing me to it like a moth to light. The pull was pretty bad last season when it first aired. That's when it first became my drug of choice. I would take my first hit on Sunday at 9pm, then another at 12am, then at least one a day until the next new episode on the next Sunday. But that was the extent of my addiction last year. I waited eagerly for each new episode and once it was presented to me, devoured it heartily. But that was it.

Season 2 is a whole new monster, though. Before it even started, I decided (whether good or bad) to read all the books on which the characters and show are based. The first season was based on the first book in the series, the second season on the second. Presumably the third season will be based on the third book, but we'll have to wait for that. But I decided that I would allow myself to get ahead of my drug, and just read all of the books. I read 9 books in about 25ish days. I can't remember the exact count. That is incredibly fast for me. I was chowing down a book in 1-3 days each. I read one and I needed to know what happened. This need pushed me through each book, desperate for the next literary fix. I suppose this was my fatal flaw: the need. Because once all 9 books had been put away, I had nothing.

Or did I? I actually finished reading the books after the second season started, if memory serves (it was, after all, 11 weeks ago. I'm allowed to be hazy). Something was different this year though, once the show started. I had just moved to a new apartment about 2 weeks before the start of the season. After making sure we had HBO, I invested in an DVR. Let me tell you, this is a God-send. I don't know how I existed before my DVR. Now I was able to record my drug and watch later if I wasn't able to watch it in real-time. But the DVR also just contributed to the sickness. Instead of having to catch the episodes on linear airings on the various incarnations of HBO, now I had True Blood at my fingertips. All I had to do was hit that DVR button. And so, I watched on Sunday, at least once on Monday (more if I caught a linear airing), once on Tuesday (more if I caught a linear airing), once on Wednesday (more if I caught a linear airing)... I think you get the picture. So now, suddenly, I'm devouring my drug in a much heavier dose.

Any minute I expect to overdose, but the monster just keeps growing. I can't get enough. And its effects are getting much stronger. Last year, I could sit comfortably on my couch, watching and emoting silently. This year, a few episodes have affected me to the point of much louder emoting and even physical reactions. A few times I have taken to spending the hour standing in front of the TV, too anxious to sit. One of those times, the episode even brought me to my knees, tears welling in my eyes (seconds before one of the characters fell to his knees, tears running down his face, I might add haha). It has become a part of me. I've even pre-ordered the soon-to-be-released TruBlood beverage -- the nutritious synthetic blood developed by Japanese scientists that can be consumed by vampires to satiate their thirst and biological needs. Of course mine will just be a blood-red orange flavored soda, but it's just a more physical way for it to become part of me, for me to own it.

But what I can't figure out is why? Why has this become so special for me? Why do I devote so much time, effort, and soon, money to this work of fiction? What about it affects me so strongly, to the core, that makes me behave this way? Is it the show itself? Or is it something about me? Or both? Maybe I'm drawn to it because I see so much of myself in the characters. Maybe, deep down, each and everyone of them is me. Do I actually live in Bon Temps?

(to be continued...)

(maybe...)

Epic Dream: A Metaphor for Spiritual Healing?

2009-08-10T12:32:00.003-04:00

I had a really weird dream last night. I don't usually share my dreams here, electing to record my nighttime journeys in a journal, usually only for me to read, but the one I had last night seemed oddly worth sharing. Maybe because I have no clue what it could mean. The imagery, too, was shocking, and its implied metaphors have actually got me a little scared. Scared of what? Of God? Of healing? I'm not sure, because I'm not sure how that would apply to me. Maybe one of you can help.

The details of the dream are pretty muddled. Not sure how it started or what was going on. I was walking through some town, which I guess was South Orange, but instead looked more like a medieval European town that I am not familiar with. I was walking along. There were other people out on the sidewalks. I ducked down an alley to go another way. I think I must have been on my way to a bar. This seems to be the general feeling of the beginning of the dream. Then suddenly I am with 3 other people, all of whom are girls that I know in the dream, but now, upon waking, have no clue as to their identities. So we are walking behind this beautiful stone building. Turns out it is a private (Catholic?) school. It is built upon a lush, rolling green hill. This hill has scattered mini brick walls throughout. We are trying to make it up this hill, over and around these brick walls to make it to the street on the other side. Now, we know we are not supposed to be here; we are trespassing. But still we continue up and over these walls and the hill to get to our destination.

Then, suddenly lights are flashing and a siren screams. We've been spotted. Two of the girls are farther up the hill than I and the other girl had made it. They scramble to the top. We can't make it, however, because these mini walls are growing taller and taller, blocking us in, making it impossible to go over or around. So we turn back down the hill. There are walls growing there, but they are easier to bound over. The hill slopes sharply down, ending abruptly into a river some feet below us. Across the river, close, but too far to jump, is another piece of land. If only we can get over there! We scramble down the hill toward that piece of land. I am more concerned with getting myself there, but I never lose the feeling of this other girl being near me, trying to save herself as well. Then suddenly a piece of rock juts out from our side of the hill, out across the river, to connect with the other piece of land. This rock turns into a slide. Though frightened, I set my jaw, and re-determine myself to get to the other side. I let myself go and I slide.

I'm on the other side! I made it. The other girl is with me too. So, we're running along the green land, trying to find a way back to where we had come, but a giant stone wall, part of the school's facade perhaps, is standing in our way. From where we are on this little island, there is no way back. We are looking for a way out when suddently I find a tower, a castle turret, it seems. I fling open the door and pour myself inside onto the stone steps leading up, up, up. I begin to climb. The tower just keeps going up. Up and around, a spiral staircase hugging the walls of the cold, beige stone tower. I keep going up. There are little slit windows. I look out one, but I can't remember what I see. Suddenly, the stairs change direction. Instead of climbing the stairs with the wall to my right, suddenly the wall is to my left, but I am still climbing up, up, up.

Then, finally, I reach the top. There is a little wooden door. I open it, and beyond I see only blue sky and clouds. This is Heaven. God is out there, I know it. I turn to speak to the girl who had followed me up. "This is it," I said. "This is the way out. We have to jump." Up so high where nothing can be seen below, I peer out into the open blueness of "Heaven." Initially scared, I take a deep breath. Then, just like before, I let myself go, and I dive head-first out of the tower.

Now I'm falling, falling, falling. The clouds, the blue sky, all zooming past me, and yet I'm not scared, nor am I falling all that fast. In fact, it's more like I'm floating down softly, down to where I will be safe. Suddenly there are two more people by my side. One is a man and one is a woman, but I have no idea who they are. I'm still floating, but I'm no longer in the sky. I'm floating above my bed, my room lit dully with the gray of a barely waking sun. Then they are gone, and I am safe in my bed. In my dream, I am in my bed, and I am awake and safe.

I'm not really awake. I'm just "conscious" of the fact that I am awake in my dream. I sit up (and this is where the whole ooh Godly metaphor becomes completely ridiculous), and reach for my drink on the side table. It is a lime-flavored Zima (what?!?). I can taste it. It's fizzy and citrusy. Someone says something to me about it, but I don't know who it was or where they came from. I don't even see them. I laugh. And then suddenly I'm making out with someone, but I don't know who that was either. Josh Rouse? That doesn't feel right, but I think it kind of looked like him. Can't be sure. And then I woke up. For real this time.

I laughed at the Zima and the making out. But it wasn't until a few hours later that I suddenly got a flash of falling out of the God-Tower. What is that about? I'm in awe, and a little frightened. There was such a feeling of peace, immediately after my flash of fear. Almost like God telling me, it'll be okay. "Whatever it is you're scared of, let go. It will be okay..."

If only I knew what He was talking about...

Summing Up

2009-08-03T11:34:00.004-04:00

Damn! I'm getting bad at this again :(

I know I still haven't posted the pictures of my fun times out on July 17th. I'll get around to it eventually, haha. Believe me, it was really cool and dorky, and maybe a little creepy, but I wasn't there alone, so who am I to judge?

I finally finished Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. It lost me a little in the middle but had a really cute ending. I want to read the others, but for some reason they're always hard to track down from the library. Probably because they're technically children's books, and we all know how children treat books (though, honestly, I didn't treat books poorly when I was little. I treated them like prizes, still do, which is probably why my stuff is always in good condition. Plus, I still do the Pineville Tuck, haha). Oh well. In high contrast, I think I might start reading Atlas Shrugged soon. It's supposed to be enlightening and earth-moving/shattering and inspiring and all that crap. I figured I'll be an adult and give it a go. But at 1,000+ pages... we'll have to see, haha. What I really want to read is Pride and Prejudice and Zombies haha. It seems really clever and funny. We'll see.

Oh! I also bought a new guitar on Friday. My old one was falling apart, and I was afraid to play him. The bridge was lifting, which for you non guitar-speakers, means that the wooden part that holds the strings on to the body of the guitar is starting to give way to the 300+ lbs of pressure exerted by the strings. It gives way all the way, and it'll rip off of the guitar with the force of... well... with a lot of force. I was starting to fear being smack in the face with the spring-action of the broken bridge, so I decided to go ahead and make a new investment. My new guitar is pretty. He's a vintage sunburst Epiphone PR150. I'll show you pics of that too :)

Otherwise, not much is up. I've been really into Hopes and Fears by the band Keane. If you don't know them, check them out. That album is awesome :)

That's all for now!
christina

9 Days And Nothin' To Show For It... Well Almost Nothing... :)

2009-07-20T09:21:00.005-04:00

Okay, I'm way overdue for a post here. Not sure what was standing in my way last week. I think at some point I had planned a post about "Thriller," and how I had a hard time understanding the lyrics, but I killed that one before it could be published. Figured it was only amusing to me, haha. As are many of my posts, but that's a story for a different day/therapist.

Over the past 9 days, not a lot has happened in the World of Christina. Let's see. I got a new car, Lafayette, that I told you about last time. He's being pretty cool to me, though occasionally making a gurgling noise, which is probably due to the fact that I accidentally put too much coolant in him. Whoops. But besides that he's cool. Still occasionally amazes me at how much natural bass his sound system has. Bass is at 0, and I still get the whomp whomp whomp sometimes, hahaha.

I've taken up reading the Harry Potter books again. I started a few summers ago, but only got through the first two since I couldn't find the third one at any of the Public Libraries of Charlotte-Mecklenburg County. Right now I'm about halfway through Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. It's pretty good despite the fact that it's my least favorite of the movies to-date. Hah. Kind of want to see the 6th movie, but at the same time, I want to have been able to read it before I watch it so I can compare that way. Though, I suppose if I like the movie, then the book won't be a disappointment, but whatever. Right now my plan is to just work through the books. We'll see what happens.

The only other interesting thing that I did was on Friday the 17th. What is it you ask? Well, you'll have to tune in next time since it will probably involve pictures and lots of pre-teen-esque squealing, and I don't have the time for it right now, haha.

Until next time!

P.S. - the spell check just suggested "Azerbaijan" for "Azkaban." That could work too, haha.

Fiction Fest '09: An Update

2009-07-11T02:29:00.004-04:00

I'm a little disappointed with myself. The whole work of fiction I was trying to plan? Yeah, haven't done anything else with that. Haven't done any more planning or plotting. In fact, I think I had kind of forgotten about it until I saw a book about Jeff Buckley at the bookstore Friday. I should really get back on that.

Or I should at least keep up with the other piece of fiction I've been working on for the past, probably, 6 or 7 years. That one isn't even halfway done. I really need to get on it! Especially if I'm ever going to get published, haha. I haven't written in so long, I know I'm going to have a hard time getting back into the narrative. But then, it's my story, my writing. Hopefully I'll be able to pick it up quickly :). And maybe I'll drag my butt to the library for a healthy change of scenery. Maybe I can get something substantial done... like I used to. We'll see. I'll keep you posted.

In other news: My car Paolo was starting to go. It was injury after injury. I was pouring more money into it than it was worth. Most recently, after shelling out $200 to change his transmission and cooling fluid, ol' Paolo decided to blow a hole through one of the pipes in the exhaust system. You know, after I spend nearly $300 giving him a new muffler. So there I was, AGAIN, puttering down the road. It was only a matter of time before the pipe rusted all the way through and fell off. It still hasn't, but who knows how big that 50 cent piece-sized hole is now.

So, I decided Paolo and I had a good run, but we had to go our separate ways. So now I have Lafayette (name subject to change upon discovery of a better one). He's a Nissan Sentra too, but he's only 4 years old as opposed to 18. He's a metallic gray-silver-gold combination. Very sexy. And he's got power everything. Windows, locks, mirror adjusters. Built in CD player and auxiliary jack. He's pretty awesome. I'm sure we'll become fast friends :).

4th of July Weekend, Part II

2009-07-08T13:15:00.001-04:00

Oh, and just in case you're interested, here's the Macy's Fireworks Finale (it was pretty awesome. Sidenote: New Yorkers/New Jerseyans really love their fireworks!):

4th of July Weekend

2009-07-08T11:46:00.010-04:00

So, crazy weekend, and crazy first few days of the week apparently have kept from from blogging for 6 days. Which is kind of a lot as of late. But is relatively good considering my run. But whatever.

So this weekend saw the 4th of July, which means that I saw fireworks. Twice. Is it just me, or is it weird for a town to have its annual July 4th fireworks show on July 3rd? Either way, went to that one in Red Bank, NJ. Then on Saturday, I saw the Macy's 4th of July Fireworks Extravaganza or whever it's called in NYC. That was pretty cool I guess. If you could look past the fact that they had us standing on the West Side Highway behind a line of trees ubstructing the view of the fireworks. The most amusing part, however, was probably the way back to midtown from the West Side. I dont' know if I've ever seen so many people walking to the same place. There had to be thousands and thousands of people, which is pretty cool.

I tried to take some video, but it came out kind of dark. It's of the sea of people walking behind me up 34th Street. Don't know if you can see anything...

It was pretty crazy. It probably took us like 40 minutes to get to Times Square, which is ridiculous considering we only had to walk 8 blocks up and 4 blocks over. There were entirely too many people. But, you know what. I kind of loved it. We didn't get to do much else as we had to book it back to the train station, but it was good times.

Man, I didn't realize how much I missed NYC until I hadn't been in it for a while, and then went two Saturdays in a row! I need to make another appointment to go in. :)

Questioning the Classics

2009-07-01T15:28:00.017-04:00

So, I was flipping through channels yesterday and found the 1940 version of Pride and Prejudice, starring Laurence Olivier. So, naturally, because I love Laurence Olivier, I stopped and watched the rest of the movie, which was most of it because I turned it on when they were at the dance when Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy first talk to each other.

Now, I don't know much about Hollywood politics, especially back then when they seem to have been so... corrupt, but I started to wonder about them as I watched this movie. From what I understand, having never read Pride and Prejudice, Darcy is kind of a snot and a jerk, and generally a man to be avoided. Elizabeth finds him arrogant and snobbish, and she wants nothing to do with him. It is fate, however, that seems to keep bringing them together. And the more it does this, the more they tolerate each others' presence, though Darcy is never really a warm-hearted man. But in the end, Elizabeth with her devil-may-care (for 1800s society, anyway) attitude, her combination of grace, wit, control and pluck wins Mr. Darcy over, and they fall madly in love. This is what I've gathered from the, oh, 3 other versions of this story that I've seen haha.

Anyway, I didn't get any of this from the 1940 version. Is it because back then they didn't want their movies to have too dark of themes? Could the heroine not struggle for love? Well, that's a lie; just look at Wuthering Heights from 1939 (also, starring Laurence Olivier!). But then again... that version of Wuthering Heights made Heathcliff look like a sympathetic character. To an extent, he was, but he was a very power-hungry man. Once he had the wealth and fortune, he turned and treated Hindley's son like crap, the way he had been treated by Hindley when they were growing up. However, in Olivier's version, Heathcliff is a love-struck young man, who is determined to better his station in life to win the affections of the cold-hearted, but somehow lovable Catherine. And, also, it completely leaves out the second part of the book... when everyone is all grown up or dead, and now their children play out their story in an eerily similar fashion. I loved that about the book. However, not in the 1939 movie.

But why? I suppose it might have something to do with that era's movies not being that long, and thus not having enough allotted celluloid to record that part of the story. Or maybe Laurence Olivier was so damn dashing that they didn't want to make him unsympathetic, or a creep. Maybe they wanted to make him romantic (which they succeeded in doing). So then, that just makes me wonder, how different are our understanding of the classics than our grandparents? Or even parents? Well... if we went solely by movies. I guess our grandparents probably read them. But in a cinematic sense, we know the true story, while they got the sugar-coated one. No wonder our world is so much different than theirs was.

But back to the original, Olivier made Darcy seem like such a sweetheart. I couldn't figure out why Elizabeth was avoiding him. Yes, I suppose I might have been just blinded by the light that was Larry Olivier, and fell for him the way we all fall for the really good looking bad boys.... But still. Why was Hollywood so scared to make Mr. Darcy (or Heathcliff, for that matter), the scary dudes that more recent depictions make him out to be?

Does anyone know? Makes me want to research old Hollywood. Or at least watch more Laurence Olivier movies... :)

Weekend Warriors

2009-06-29T10:58:00.004-04:00

I think it's funny that I don't ever update this thing over the weekend, you know, when I actually have time to be buggering off. That's right I said "buggering." Instead, I do it while I'm at work, in my little moments of downtime. Which is good because it's a way to pass the time while I'm waiting for people to answer my questions. *sigh*

I decided recently (again), that I want to be famous. I want to walk down the street and get stopped by someone with wide eyes and stuttering speech: "Hey, aren't you...?" That'd be pretty sweet. Problem is, I haven't figured out what I'm going to be famous for. I guess I have a lot of things to ponder.

Meanwhile, here's something that I just reminded myself of. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiuysqDjhzE Whew! For a second there, I thought someone was going to be reading our eugoogally. (P.S. - the blond guy cracks me up).

Anyway, this weekend was my friend's birthday, so we went out to Hoboken. We went to this little joint called Bahama Mama's, which I thought was a bar, but ended up being more of a club. At least, they played club music. There's a place down the street called the Whiskey Bar that sometimes has live music, and mostly plays rock. That's a bar. What we went to, with the dance beats and Michael Jackson medley, was a club. That's usually not my scene, but Friday, I had fun. Like a lot of fun. 3 shots worth of fun, haha. And we danced a little. Or at least, I did my version of dancing. A creepy guy scoped me out, and another creepy guy tried to dance with me. I didn't see him as he chose to go for a surprise, rear attack. But I can just imagine my face when I felt those hands on my hips. Yikes. Luckily my other friend saved me. We had to do a lot of that: dancing with each other and pulling each other away from creepy guys. It's one thing to get hit on, it's an entirely different banana to be hit on by creepy men. *shudder*. But it was fun, haha

On Saturday, I went to the city. We went in for a little light stalking, but our object of affection was not to be found. Not that we looked real hard, but whatever. He wasn't in the one spot we looked (though neither of us actually had evidence that he would be there, haha). So instead, we went to Barnes & Noble, where I bought this really hilarious book. I haven't bought a book in a while, so I figured I was justified in spending the $13.99. It's called Stupid and Contagious by Caprice Crane. It's really funny and snarky. I can identify with both of the main characters (1 guy, 1 girl), and they are just so sarcastic and fun. I haven't gotten to read much, but so far the gist is: Girl loses her dream job and has to get a job at a restaurant with snooty clientele. Boy breaks up with his girlfriend and has to find a new apartment. The apartment he finds is right next to Girl's. They annoy each other, and yet they seem to keep coming back for more. Girl is twenty-five, cynical and sarcastic. Boy is a earlier-thirty-something schemer, not quite ready (or willing) to grow up. Hilarity ensues.

As far as I can guess this will be one of those Boy meets Girl, Boy and girl annoy each other, but probably something about them will inspire each other kind of things, haha. No word yet on if they live happily ever after. I'll have to get back to you on that. But I'm excited to read. You should check it out!

back later for more (probably),

christinA

P.S. - I was just spellchecking this, and blogger suggested Heineken for Hoboken, haha. I found that amusing.

Whole Lotta Fiction

2009-06-25T10:05:00.003-04:00

I finished reading all the Sookie Stackhouse books. I feel triumphant and a little sad. It's lonely now not being constantly surrounded by the residents of Bon Temps and owners/proprietors of Fangtasia. *Sigh* I'll be alright.

In the meantime, I'm trying to work more on that piece of fiction I told you about in the last couple of posts. I haven't really done more research. I'm trying to plan more of the prospective plot before I delve too far into researching. I've kind of hit a speed bump though. I'm not really sure where to go with it. I kind of came up with the idea of having it sort of be a grungier The Five People You Meet in Heaven. But I don't want my protagonist to be dead. What I really need is a struggle, or a goal. I need an inner goal and an outer goal. What I mean is, I need her to want to achieve something, and in achieving that, she achieves something else. It's a basic formula, but it works. I'll think on it some more.

Speaking of basic formulas, I was thinking about movies, and how a lot of them follow similar plots. That led me to remember the whole "every story/movie is based on a Shakespeare play" thing. I'm not sure how true that is, but it does make good sense. Tried and true plot formulas, you know? I know there are a million movies that are all: boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy wins girl's heart again, or some other version of that. But I was thinking, there's an even more specific version of that that I've seen at least 3 times. Can you think of any more?

Boy needs to create something or suffer the consequences. Fair Maiden assists. They fall in love.
1. Music & Lyrics
2. Alex & Emma
(These two are almost identical, but Music & Lyrics was way cuter. I think it has a lot to do with Hugh Grant. But really: boy needs to do something or will lose big paying job/will be beaten up. Boy meets girl who is there to help. Boy and girl mostly annoy each other. Girl has something in her that inspires boy. Something about boy almost breaks them up. Boy and girl realize they love each other. Boy and girl live happily ever after. Right?)
3. Shakespeare in Love
(This one is a little different, but still mostly the same. Boy needs to do something or will be stolen from and essentially tortured. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl annoy each other a bit before boy discovers truth about girl. Girl has something in her that inspires boy. Something about boy almost breaks them up. Boy and girl realize they love each other. Boy and girl... end up not so happily ever after, but her inspiration serves as his muse to write one of boy/Shakespeare's plays, a pretty good romcom called "Twelfth Night").

I suppose #1 and #2 would be like "A Midsummer Night's Dream" minus the fairies and the actors, sort of, and #3 would be "Romeo and Juliet" seeing as they couldn't be together. But then that just makes me wonder... did Shakespeare rip himself off? I mean, a lot of writers end up writing the same kind of stories with the same kind of characters, just with little nuances. We find plotlines we like, and we stick to them. It's called genre, haha.

So, then... big revelation here... maybe Shakespeare was no better a writer than any of us. He just did it first. Yes, he had other plotlines, but even "Twelfth Night" had elements of boy meets girl (in disguise), lots of plot lots of plot lots of plot, boy and girl fall in love and live happily ever after (that stupid Amanda Bynes movie was a modern update of this. The one where she disguised herself as her brother so she could play soccer... wtf was that called? who cares?). Wait... wasn't "As You Like It" about this too, a girl in disguise in love with a boy who doesn't know the truth until the end? Never Been Kissed anyone? (i love that movie). Ever After too, for that matter. Gosh, they're all coming to me now!

So what say you? Was Shakespeare a brilliant writer, a man with hackneyed albeit proven plotlines, or both because of the latter and the fact that he did it 400 years ago? I'd go with both. Any thoughts?

The Research Has Begun

2009-06-24T11:53:00.004-04:00

So, I've started doing research for my next work of fiction. I don't have a well thought out plan yet, just bits and pieces of interesting information. I'm trying to mould a character, which will be a girl, but I don't have much info on her yet. I know she's going to be not quite and adult, as she will still be in school. I just haven't decided if that school is high school or college. The decision will alter many things, and I need to figure what I really want.

I'm also toying with a couple plot lines/character quirks, but I also need to figure out how I am going to execute them in the way/medium I want (which I'm not going to disclose here just yet. I need to work out some of the logistics first).

So, for now, I'm toying with the ideas I've come up with so far. All 2 of them. I've started the research. For example, did you know that singer/songwriter Jeff Buckley spent most of his childhood going by the name Scotty Moorhead? I didn't either. We'll see how that tidbit will play into things, haha.

I wish I could give more details, but, sadly, I don't have them. I'm wary about giving too much information. Not like many people read this, but I don't like to share unless I know something concrete, you know? We'll see what happens.

Until later,

christinA

(Edit: I just noticed this. I now have more posts in June than I do for the rest of the year so far. I like this. I'm going to try to keep it up, and keep you abreast of my life-doings. Yeah.)

Impending Withdrawal

2009-06-23T12:12:00.004-04:00

I've finished all 8 of the Sookie Stackhouse books that are in my possession. I went online and found the first chapter of book #9, Dead and Gone. I feel like I'm on crack. I need more. I can't live without it! Haha. I don't know what I'm going to do once I do get my hands on the last book and finally finish it. There aren't any more after this one. I think I heard #10 should be out next year or something, but really? Next year? Next year! I don't know what I'm going to do.

Maybe I'll delve into some fiction of my own. Yeah... that sounds like a good idea. Maybe I'll start planning now, so that when I do finally come to the painful goodbye-for-now at the end of book #9, I'll have an idea of what to do with myself.

Heh. This shit's even more addictive than Twilight. And we all know how addictive that is.

In related news: Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are apparently dating. That's kind gross. I mean, she's kinda gross. She does have a certain nonchalance to her, which is appealing I guess. She made a bad decision with that mullet hairdo thing, though.

Okay, enough with the celebrity gossip. Gonna start my fiction planning while I eat lunch!

(Edit: I'm getting better at this whole posting more frequently thing! Right on!)

(Edit #2: I got my fix! Got my grubby hands on book #9. Withdrawal postponed... at least for a day. Though it may only be enough to hold me over a couple of hours. Eek!)

Let Them Eat Cate, and Other Vaguely Amusing Typos

2009-06-22T13:42:00.003-04:00

I don't know what's gotten into me today, but I've had the giggles like no other. Maybe it's all the sugar. A few people in my office decided that today would be "Let Them Eat Cake" day, which consisted of a handful of people making baked goodies that the rest of us freeloaders got to sample. I had a little chocolate brownie and a chocolate cupcake with homemade icing. In hindsight, this was not such a great idea.

First of all, added to my soda, I think I have enough sugar to last me the rest of the day. Said sugar has done very interesting and fun things to my nervous system. Though, admittedly, they are not Work-Safe. Up there, in the first paragraph, I mentioned my giggles. As I was explaining about "Let Them Eat Cake" day, I originally typoed, "Let Them Eat Cate." I had to stifle the giggle that would have betrayed me. Just 4 minutes ago, while attempting to post this entry, I googled "blooger" instead of "blogger." Stifle again. Luckily Google knew what I wanted. And the whole thing that started this? I was tweeting (www.twitter.com/clrumbaugh) about how I had just scratched my lip and it hurt like hell. Thankfully I caught it, but I originally typoed, "I just scratched my life." That was the worst offender of all.

I'm sure none of this is funny to you right now, but just thought I'd share (in the nature of an online journal).

In other news: I'm planning a work of fiction for the near future. I'll fill you in on the details once I have enough to share. Stay tuned...

christinA

Stop! Stalker Time!

2009-06-19T10:12:00.003-04:00

I was just thinking: I haven't had an adventure in a long time. I mean, I went down to NC for Amy's wedding two weekends ago (which was awesome, btw), but I haven't had a REAL adventure, you know? I think I need to go to NYC to explore. I haven't done that in a LONG time.

Maybe I will go Rob Pattinson hunting, haha. I know that makes me sound like a 13-year-old girl, but it sounds like fun. But it also makes me feel like a hypocrite because I hate that he's being mobbed by teenage girls constantly, most recently while he's trying to film a new movie, Remember Me. Apparently, yesterday, he was even clipped by a taxi whilst trying to get away from a mob of said teenagers. I don't know how true that is, as I've seen conflicting reports. But I wish they would leave him alone and let him do his job. Now, I'm not going to get all Chris Crocker/Leave Britney Alone! about it, but screaming girls give me the willies. And I read something once that said Mr. Pattinson doesn't like crowds either. In fact, he's apparently so afraid of them, he fears that in mobs, there's nothing stopping someone from stabbing him. Poor kid with his paranoia.

So I'd opt for the more creepy, but less invasive form of hunting -- standing on the other side of the street, looking on with longing and affection haha... Yeah, that's LOADS better. But I still think I might do it, haha.

I'll let you know what happens.

I did it again.

2009-06-17T11:21:00.000-04:00

Happy 100th Post to me! Yay! This is a milestone!

Though, technically, a few of the 100 remain unpublished, saved-as-draft lost entities, but we shall forgive me that. Happy 100th Attempted Post to me! That's more like it.

Anyway, like I said, I'm going to try to return to this ol' thing more frequently. Thus, I have returned.

Last post I expounded on the joy of reading. Well, I did it again. And there's no "oops" about it. I meant to... sort of. Last night I deprived myself of sleep because I was too into the book I was reading. I had meant to go to sleep at 12:30 a.m. What time did I eventually setting down into my bunk? 2:00 a.m. Whoops.

I had to. I was so close to the end, I couldn't justify sleeping until I had finished it. And I did. And it was good. Too much of a cliffhanger, as I wanted the two people in the last scene to do more than coyly flirt with each other. Like in last post, I'm still reading the Sookie Stackhouse books. Last night's conquest was Book #5. Now I'm about 20 pages into book #6, and I had to force myself to stop. Bringing books to work is a bad thing. It's distracting. I end up catching myself looking at it longingly. I sometimes allow myself 2-minute reading intervals before I resume my work again, but it's never enough to satisfy my narrative-loving heart. These books are fairly easy reads, but still. I don't think I've read this much in a long time. The success of last night's wee hour reading, make 7 books that I have finished in less than a month. This is liberating. This is what I've wanted to do since I graduated college.

Not a very lofty goal, I know. But I know so many people who are like "oh, I'm excited because now that I'm not in school I can just read! And read stuff I want to read, not just stupid school-related books!" But not a lot of people I know have actually done it. And it's taken me over a year, but I'm doing it! Woo! This is exciting.

Alright, back to the grind. More updates on my life later.

In other news: If you're on Twitter, please follow @peterfacinelli (www.twitter.com/peterfacinelli). He's trying to amass 500k followers by Friday. If he does, we get to see his friend Rob DeFranco dance to "Single Ladies" in a bikini on Hollywood Blvd. If he loses, he loses the backing of his chair for Twilight. At the time of this post, Peter has just 130 shy of 200,000. Let's do this!

Unofficial Reading Day

2009-06-15T09:53:00.003-04:00

You know what I love, but I feel like I haven't really been able to do in years? Just read. Just spend an entire day reading. I did that on Saturday, and it was AMAZING.

Now, to be fair, I was able to accomplish this feat a few times last summer, but I was also unemployed then, so I kind of felt like I was cheating, doing something I shouldn't have been doing. Having fun when I should have been looking for a job. But now, since I have a job, the prospect of spending an entire day reading was beyond ecstasy. I woke up at about 10:30 a.m. and started reading. I read all the way to noon, then started laundry. I read off and on as I waiting for my clothes to finish getting clean, and briefly ate lunch. But then I just kept on reading. I stopped reading at 8:00 so I could go have dinner with my friend, but my God, that was a blissful day.

I was reading book 4 of the Sookie Stackhouse Southern Vampire series (you know, I'm not actually sure what the official name of the series is, haha). I could not put it down. I started it at like 2am Saturday morning, but forced myself to go to bed at 3. Then just read and read and read when I woke up. It's so freaking entertaining! For those of you who don't know, these books are about Louisiana barmaid Sookie Stackhouse. In her world, vampires are now "out of the closet" and most of them are trying to become members of mainstream society. Sookie meets one of them, Bill, and they start dating, and falling in love, and having mad passionate sex. You know, the usual, haha. Then then, trouble arises for our fair barmaiden. In every book. Of course. But they really suck you in (no pun intended). Book 4 REALLY sucked me in, and I kind of fell in love with the bad boy vampire. There's so much drama, but it's so much fun (and raunchy!). I can't wait to read more!!!

In other news: This is the most adorable blog I have ever seen. http://www.mymilktoof.blogspot.com/

I want a milk toof!

christinA

Rebirth of an Online Journal?

2009-06-11T10:43:00.004-04:00

I've been reading through a few of my posts (again) over at LiveJournal.com. Damn, I haven't been on that site in a long time. I like to revisit every once in a while, to remind myself of what my life used to be like. A lot has changed since that last post there, made 4/22/06. That was the last post I made before permanently switching over to Blogger.

Reading through the entries, I noticed something. I was kind of depressed for a lot of those posts (though, not that that's not a trait of some of my posts here), but I've mentioned that somewhere here before. But I noticed something new today. The posts I made over at LiveJournal were so much freer than these. Maybe it's because I'm older. Maybe it's because I realized that people can actually read these. Maybe it's for a hundred reasons, but you know what? I kind of miss it.

I've been trying to do that again here, trying to use this regularly as an online journal like I did at LJ. There, I would post about anything, but here, not so much. Am I afraid of my "image" or something? Nah, I don't think so. I mean, I posted a lot of content here that is the same as what I would have posted there, except that I don't often name names here, haha. Yeah, remember that post about song headaches, back, oh gosh, like 2 years ago? Yeah, that song I was referring to is actually a person. Can you dig my metaphor? haha.

But see, I haven't written anything like that for, well, probably two years or so. Every once in a while, I'll come out with a substantial post, but I'm not free anymore. To hell with being judged. I want to try to post freely here again. Who cares that I'm 23 and angsty? I am Generation Y. That's who we are. So be it.

Alright. I make this promise almost every post, but I want to try to post here more often. I'm going to try to use it as a journal again, albeit a very public journal because I don't necessarily want it to be private. I'm weird about stuff like that. So mundane details, here I come.

Hope y'all don't mind too much :)

christinA

Little Ashes!

2009-05-19T11:52:00.005-04:00

I really do need to keep up with this more. I've decided that with the invention of the Internet, and the subsequent invention of every single social networking site and cool new blogging site, all meant to make connecting with and keeping track of people easier, it is, in actuality, much harder. Who has time for them all?

Anyway, I totally forgot to tell you about the movie I saw 5/8. Yep, Little Ashes made its 12-screen debut across America two weeks ago, making just under $74,000 its opening weekend. Hey, that's not bad for only 12 screens. Now playing in 15 theaters across the country, it has grossed $151,390! That's terrific if you think about it: a little known indie film about mostly forgotten Spanish culture icons, Salvador Dali and Federico Garcia Lorca. Yeah, the gross total of the second week was almost half of what it was opening week, but still. That's not a bad amount of money. Okay, yeah... so it's not doing that well. I blame the lack of publicity.

I'm making a poor example of my degree here, as I have not properly researched, but I assume that the film had a relatively small budget. Perhaps there was not a lot of room there for publicity/marketing. Perhaps they thought that since now one of their stars is a tween-heartthROB, that was all they needed. I don't think they counted on that, but who knows. Still, the thing that's sad about this is that such a moving movie will go unseen by millions because there is/was not enough backing for a wider release.

Then again, that leaves more of a chance for it to accrue a cult following, as I think it deserves. The movie follows Spanish painter Salvador Dali as he enters university, where he meets poet Federico Garcia Lorca and filmmaker Luis Bunuel. There seems to be an immediate attraction between Dali and Garcia Lorca, whom Dali remarks, shyly and in awe, is "famous" for having published one of his poems. Garcia Lorca is equally impressed by Dali's artistic ability. They, along with friend Bunuel, work off of and with each others' abilities, all in the midst of a country on the brink of civil war. With this war, and its blossoming societal/fascist conflicts as the backdrop, Dali and Garcia Lorca struggle with their passion for each other. You see, Dali is torn between the passion he feels for Garcia Lorca and his strong Catholic upbringing (not to mention his fear of syphilis... oddly, I'm assuming, displayed through 2 bizarre bouts of hearing voices in his head. I'm assuming this because they never explain what the voices are). Meanwhile, the country is changing, drawing Bunuel off to Paris, where he feels he needs to escape. Eventually Dali follows, crushing Garcia Lorca, who remains behind. Periodically, they meet up, and their passion is reignited. However, now the country is in turmoil and homosexuality is a crime. You know they still love each other, but... I don't want to ruin anything for you. Go hunt down a theater playing this movie and watch it for yourself :)

This movie got mixed reviews. Some love it; others hated it. And while the story does kind of move slowly toward the beginning, it's still very engaging and entertaining. Robert Pattinson as Salvador Dali is definitely the comic relief (at one point, trying to make a socialite feel awkward, Dali announced that he "would like an enema!"). Not to mention that signature weirdo-Dali face with his crazy, upturned handlebar mustache. Pattinson pulls this off quite well. But in the more serious scenes, Pattinson and Javier Beltran (Federico Garcia Lorca) are also sweet, awkward, and most importantly, believable. I thought the love scenes would be uncomfortable to watch, especially after reports came out about how the crew would giggle as they were trying to film them, but they were actually quite passionate and consuming. Even the sex/masterbation scene with the longing stares was so intense, I may have held my breath. I won't reveal anything, but damn. Just damn.

I thought it was a great movie, and I would totally see it again. I love when a movie has the power to evoke an emotion in my cold, little heart, haha. This one definitely did. Damn, now I want to see it again. Trip to NYC anyone? :)

How To Be in NYC!!! :) :) :)

2009-05-01T14:17:00.034-04:00

Wow, so last Friday, I had the most fun I have had in a long while. Sorry it's taken me a week to post about it (busy busy lazy). But last Friday, 4/24, was the NYC premiere of How To Be!! I have been dying to see this movie for months, and let me tell you, the whole night did not disappoint.

My friend and I purchased our tickets for the IFC Theater showing back in March, and as the day approached, I was actually getting butterfly-stomach syndrome. I had it the entire drive home from work that day. The showing didn't start until 11:55pm, but my friend and I couldn't contain ourselves, so we headed toward the train station at about 8:30. After about a 30ish minute ride, we finally got to Christopher Street, where we set about looking for the theater. Luckily it was not difficult to find. Now, I'm a huge nerd, so I gasped and my butterfly-stomach syndrome kicked in again when we came down the street and I saw the IFC marquee looming large above the sidewalk.

It's still probably only about 9:30 at this point, so I picked up our will-call tickets and we stood akwardly across the street for a while before retiring to a park down the block. At 10:45 we decided it would be a good idea to go start a line. Too bad we weren't the only people to realize this, so we joined the 30ish people already in line to get into the theater. That was the most agonizing hour ever. Why couldn't they just let us in? Instead, we stood there, the line growing behind us, and some guy who looked oddly familiar walking up and down the sidewalk with a hand held video camera. I guessed he must be part of the movie crew because who else would want video of the some 300+ people waiting to get in to see the screenings that night?

Finally they let us in! My friend and I ended up grabbing a seat 3 or 4 rows from the front. Waited a bit more, then suddenly 5 guys walked to the front and introduced themselves. There was Oliver Irving, Joe Hastings, Johnny White, Mike Williams, and Mike Pearce. Hey, hey! We get 5 guys? The website only said 3? Bonus! I secretly hoped Rob Pattinson would pop out too, but no such luck. But, hey, turns out Mike Williams was the guy with the camera. And now they have footage of me looking at them confused while talking on my cell phone. Splendid. Anway.

So they introduced the movie quickly because they had to go introduce the movie in the other theater (where an added screening was), and the movie started. It was funny, and dark, and heartbreaking, and a little disturbing at times, but it was wonderful. The three main characters, Art (Pattinson), Nikki (Pearce), and Ronny (White) are so cute and loveable in their own way, even though they're all kind of strange and absorbed in their own personal realities. It had a lot of good one-liners, but it also had a lot of scenes that made my heart want to break (Art screaming after he got slapped at the bar, anyone?).

Anyway, after the movie, they did a quick Q&A because they had to get next door and do one too. Here we learned that the story was taken in bits and pieces from a lot of different people's lives when growing up. The bit about being made out of plastic and the father moulding him into another child was Mike Pearce. We also learned that Rob is a good guy and easy to work with because he became one of the guys even though he was the outcast (most of them already knew each other from film school). They told us they would be in the lobby if we "wanted to come say hey," so my friend and I dutifully waited.

Once the guys finally came back out, everyone whipped out their HTB soundtracks. I hadn't received mine yet, which made me kind of mad/jealous haha. I didn't have anything for them to sign, but then remembered my receipt from buying the tickets online! Perfect. My friend and I stayed back for a few minutes, too nervous and giddy to think of anything clever enough to approach one of them with, but then I just took a deep breath and went up to Mike Pearce. We made plesant small talk. I can't remember now what exactly it was, but I asked how he made himself cry during one of the scenes (skateboard). He told me he's usually pretty good at crying on cue, but he just couldn't do it so Oliver slapped him across the face really hard and he teared up. True story. I didn't believe him, so he told me to ask Oliver. I promised I would. He signed my sheet and we made a bit more small talk, but there were some other girls waiting, so we said goodbye and moved on.

Next was Mike Williams and Joe Hastings. I explained to them why they were signing my receipt and Joe was like "Oh, it's not my fault! It's Mike!" haha. So Mike apologized and we joked about the CD and how I was hoping I was one of the 250 lucky people. He said he didn't know, but maybe he would just never send my CD and I could keep hoping forever. It was funny. I ended up not being on of the 250 anyway :( Sad. Anyway, so then I asked Joe (who played Dave in the movie) why he slapped Art instead of just punching him, as most men would do in a bar fight. He told me they originally thought that, but started talking, and realized that slapping a man was way more emasculating. And no one will expect it. I sure didn't; good move, fellas. Then, while talking about the slap, he and Mike revealed some very interesting information about Mr. Pattinson. I would tell you, but they swore me to secrecy. Sorry ;) haha.

Next was Johnny. He was so sweet and cute and nice. And tall. Like, damn. He doesn't seem that big in the film, but when I saw him up at the front during the Q&A and now standing next to him... I was surprised! I mean, I barely come up to the boy's shoulder. Anyway, I told him how Ronny was my favorite character, and all that. I asked him to do the Ronny Dance, and he giggled very sweetly, and told me no. He claims to not remember how to do it, how it was just one of those things that works out one time, but then you can't quite figure out how to do it again. Psh. Whatever, haha. He was still cute though. He also signed my receipt (writing that he hated Mike for not sending me my CD haha), and then it was off to Oliver.

Oliver is just as sweet and nice as the other guys. We talked a bit about the movie, and he signed my receipt. Then I remembered Mike P's story. So I asked him. "Well, usually Mike has no problem crying," he started. "But he couldn't do it, so I just went up to him and slapped him across the face to get him to tear up!" Hahaha! Oh, it was true! We laughed a bit over how Mike had already told me the story but I didn't believe him. I asked him if he slapped Rob to make him cry or look like he was crying during the movie. No. Rob used a tear-stick, hahaha. I love Hollywood secrets!

It was so much fun talking and getting to meet all these guys. They were all super nice and modest and humble and fun. My friend and I got one final group shot before we left. I've had a few people ask me if they were my friends, or comment on how we all looked like friends, and I think that's really a testament to how great and friendly these guys are. I love them, haha. I loved the movie. I loved the whole night!

So my friend and I finally left the theater at 3am! Yikes! We headed down to the train station, and between waiting for the train and then a ride, we didn't get home until 4:45am. It really was such a fantastic, albeit long, night. Most fun I've had in a while. And I very HIGHLY recommend the movie. So if you haven't seen it... do it. You owe it to yourself.

Twitter Rocks My Digital World

2009-04-08T12:28:00.008-04:00

So, I finally joined Twitter. Some (1) of you may know, but others (1) may be unaware, so I decided to share. It's actually pretty fun. It's like Facebook, only without anything but status updates, which to be honest, was always one of my favorite parts. Seriously, I was so excited when they got rid of the mandatory "is" and you could suddenly exist in other tenses besides present progressive (wowza, how's that for a grammar flashback! haha).

So, yeah, I kept hearing about it on the news and everyone was demanding you "follow" them on Twitter. When I watched a segment on Dateline about it maybe about a month and a half ago, I decided, eh what the heck? So I spent approximately 10 days trying to come up with a great username. What did I end up with? clrumbaugh. Oh yeah. Cleverness at it's peak.

But Twitter is actually pretty nifty. It updates in realtime (apparently), so it's a good way to keep in contact/stalk people. A lot of celebrities use it actually, which is quite entertaining... and brings the level of stalkability WAY up.

I follow these celebrities:

Rainn Wilson (of The Office, and others... remember him as Arthur from Six Feet Under. Awesome haha): www.twitter.com/rainnwilson
Brian Baumgartner (of The Office. He plays Kevin Malone): www.twitter.com/bbbaumgartner
Michael Ian Black (he played Phil Stubbs on Ed, and was on all of those VH1 I Heart 70s, 80s, 90s shows): www.twitter.com/michaelianblack
Kevin Smith (of Jay & Silent Bob fame): www.twitter.com/thatkevinsmith
The Ellen Show: www.twitter.com/theellenshow

among others :)

There are lots of companies, publications, stores, whatever on there too, which is pretty cool. I don't mean to sound so advocatey about Twitter, but it is a lot of fun.

That said, here's a shameless plug. Follow me!

Finally an Update!!

2009-03-18T11:54:00.003-04:00

Okay, so that whole "I'm going to update this thing more often" didn't really work the way I had planned. Granted, it has only been a little over a month... but it has been a little over a month. I guess not a lot has really happened since then. Went to a fun baby shower :). Bought a dress that will hopefully be my bridesmaid's dress because it's cute and comfortable and a very pretty shade of blue. So that's all exciting.

I'm also excited that I'm now learning to crochet. I still have a difficult time reading the patterns, and I only know like 2 stiches, but I'm getting there. I even made a pair of pretty sweet-ass fingerless gloves (sans pattern, I might add, haha. But only because I was too impatient to learn to read the pattern and wanted to start creating!). I will post pictures when I have some. I will say though that my first pair were a little funky. The right one looked fine, though with this weird webbed finger effect due to making up my own pattern, but the left one looked like it had elephantitis. Whoops. Haha. With the second pair, I decided to ditch the fingers all together and just have the glove stop at the knuckles. Much better, haha. I love them. They're awesome. Next project: iPod case.

I'm also really excited about two new movies coming out soon. How to Be and Little Ashes.

How to Be (premiering April 24 & 25, IFC Theater, NYC) follows the story of this 20-something guy named Art, who, after being dumped, moves back in with his parents, and struggles to figure out exactly who he is and how to survive in a world that seems wholly unfamiliar and frightening in an existential sort of way (at least that's how I understand it). He enlists the help of a self-help guru, hiring him to follow him around give him encouragement. Art has one friend who is becoming a hermit, and another who used to be chronically uncool, but has reinvented himself. It's supposed to be a dark comedy, and Lord knows I love me some of those. Go to the website and watch the trailer!

Little Ashes (May 8, 2009, NYC) is about Salvador Dalí in his college years, pre-crazy mustache and dripping clocks. He makes friends with poet Federico García Lorca and Luis Buñuel. I'm a little hazy on the details, but Salvador and Federico apparently begin this torrid love affair in Franco's Spain, though Federico's religious beliefs in regards to their relationship "torture" him. Eventually it ends, Salvador ends up married, they drift apart, and one day reunite, just as Spain is on the verge of war. The trailer shows a lot of military/revolution scenes, so you can probably bet there's going to be some of that in there. It's probably going to be something like Brokeback Mountain, only funnier what with the crazy Salvador Dali face staring at you, 10 feet high. But really -- watch the trailer, it looks really good. I'm excited!

Okay, that's it for now! Until next time...

christinA

And 4 months later...

2009-02-01T00:44:00.003-05:00

I really need to start writing in this thing more often. I also really need to get on it and finish my Top 10 list for 2008. It's mostly written, but I have 2 entries left. I hope to have it out to you before, say February 5th. Jeez... it's supposed to be posted within the first few days of the year, but I was way too... behind schedule for that. I'll explain more when I finally post the damn thing.

Anyway, I can't believe it's been almost 4 months since I've posted anything here. I was creating a list to help me keep track of my CDs for 2009 over at my listography page, and I was bumming around other people's pages when I discovered a few other blog sites. I was really tempted to start one on like Wordpress or something when i remembered I had this one. That I never update. Like ever, really. And I thought, well damn... why don't I just freaking re-vamp this thing, or at least resuscitate it?

Yeah, I think I'm going to try. I might not be any good at it, but I'll try... in case any of my (2) readers ever periodically check back in with me. Hear that guys, I'mma try again!!

Christina.

New Essay on Helium

2008-10-02T21:57:00.002-04:00

I started writing an entry here back in May, but I could never quite finish it. I couldn't figure out quite what I was trying to say or exactly how to say it. But I recently wrote an essay (more of a memoir really, but oh well) at helium.com, and it sums up a lot of what I was going to talk about in my post. So, you can visit there to read it.

And feel free to read my other articles too! The more you read, the more money I earn. So far $1.08! haha

Essays: Saying goodbye

Any suggestions?

2008-08-10T22:59:00.002-04:00

And three months later, I reappear. That seems to be the typical pattern around here. I just wish that I actually could disappear for three months at a time. The sad truth is that I have been here all along; I just haven't had anything to say. I started writing a post a couple months ago, but gave up and saved it as a draft. About a month later, I came back to it, wrote a bit more, but then gave up again. It's still there, sitting as a draft, but I don't now how to finish it. That also seems to be the typical pattern around here. I work toward something, and then I just let it go.

I've noticed that more and more often I'm forgetting things. I forget what I'm doing or the things I wanted to do. I forget to write emails and make phone calls. I forget to deposit money and pay bills. I forget that I've been wearing the same shirt since yesterday. I forget to brush my hair. I'm becoming a senile old woman and I'm still 71 days shy of my 23rd birthday.

I'm not creative anymore. I can't write. I can't bring myself to create anything new. I can't think. It's like my creativity has left my body. I don't know when it's going to come back, but I desperately wish it would. I want to be able to create something new. I want to create and sell and make some money. I want a hobby again. But every time I indulge in something that used to be a hobby, I feel guilty about it. Like I shouldn't be doing it. I shouldn't be reading; I shouldn't be writing. Aren't there more important things that I should be doing? Like finding a job?

Oh, I'm trying, but nothing has happened yet. I'm beginning to think that my years-old joke is actually true: I'm terminally unhireable. For whatever reason. No one wants me to work for them. There's something about me that employers don't like. I haven't quite figured out what it is though. I've had interviews, but they always end up with the same shit: "We agree that you are very qualifed, and we would like you to work here... but we're not able to offer you a position at this time" or something like that. You can't offer me a position? Then why the fuck did you waste your time interviewing me, huh? Someone needs to give me a job before I do something drastic.

I think another big part of the problem is that I'm in Jersey. I hate Jersey. I always have. If I could do college over again, I probably wouldn't pick Seton Hall. It sucks because I wouldn't have met the great people that I met, but maybe I'd actually have a job now. Or maybe I wouldn't have student loans. Or maybe I would be happy and things would have just turned out differently. I wish I lived in Charlotte. I want to move back almost as much as I want my creativity back. I want things to be the same as they were before, but I know that's not realistic.

I miss everyone from my previous life. There are some great people in the one I have now, but it's the life I don't want, not the people. I want my old one back, and all the people that come with it. I want to go on a vacation, but my bank account and unemployment status are seeing to it that I can't. I just want things to be different. I think the reason that I've been living in my new apartment/house for 2 months already but still haven't unpacked all my stuff is that I wish I wasn't here. I don't know what to do anymore.

And the Writing Continues!

2008-05-01T10:33:00.002-04:00

Wow, I haven't written here in a long time. But apparently I've been writing elsewhere, haha. Yeah, I've been adding to my account over there at Helium.com. I wrote another one yesterday. It's currently #55 out of 223. Yesterday it was 43. I don't know what's going on. I thought it was pretty good, haha. Oh well, maybe in time people will come to their senses.

But meanwhile, you can judge for yourself!

What is your favorite band and why?

Enjoy! (or you can just create traffic to my page, haha)

Write on!

2008-03-28T19:57:00.005-04:00

As you may or may not have noticed, I've been posting links to various articles around myspace and facebook. I hope you've been reading them... especially since I wrote them, haha.

That's right! I have been writing articles for a website. It's really more of an online portfolio than a blog or anything like that, but the point of the website is to attract attention to my work (perhaps even from publishers and potential employers!). That's what people around the site are saying. One guy even said that he got a job offer because of the work he had in his online portfolio. Thus, I have begun to write.

If you think you'd be interested in doing it too, let me know and I'll send you an invite link!

Oh yeah, and I do get paid, but it's not that much money. I pretty much just get some ad revenue. Nothing big. So far I've earned $0.01! Hahaha. So you should go read my articles and maybe click on links to make them think you're interested... that way I can get more money, haha.

And if you know anyone who needs some writing done... maybe direct them to my stuff! :)

Thanks and enjoy!

My 'About Me' page
1) The Island on the TV series Lost
2) Songs that pump you up in the gym
3) TV series with the best finales
4) Guide to the characters of The Office

The Worlds of Others

2008-03-14T14:03:00.007-04:00

There's nothing more enjoyable to me than being able to lose myself in a narrative, whether in print or film. I love meeting characters and learning their troubles and being with them as they try to find their way out. Now, I've seen countless movies and television shows. Some are better at creating an escape for me than others, but there's nothing like realizing you're having a physical reaction to something someone else has created.

I've mentioned this kind of empathy before, but there is something astonishing about someone creating a fictional character who experiences something that instills you in the same emotion, albeit perhaps a little diluted, they are feeling.

This is nothing knew. We've all seen sad movies that make us cry, horror films that make us scared, and comedies that make us laugh. But I saw a movie last night that had a scene that renewed my faith in screenwriters and made me realize film writing is a fucking art form.

If you have never seen The Last King of Scotland, you should really consider renting it. It's an entertaining story of a young Scotsman who leaves his home to lend his medical help to the a small village in Uganda. While there he "saves" the new President's life and is hired as his personal physician. For some strange reason, the fact that he is his doctor automatically makes him his "closest advisor" as well. Anyway, long story short (and to maybe ruin the ending... about which I'm sorry)... things don't quite work out the way the Scotsman had planned, and he has to flee the country. For the last 20-30ish minutes, he tries to escape death and the scary scary President Amin (a.k.a. Forrest "I Never Wanna Get On His Bad Side Either" Whitaker).

Watching this scene, my heart was racing. Was he going to get away? What if they find out he escaped? What if they kill more people? What if they catch him and try to kill him (again)? WTF am I going to do if that happens?

I know that it is just a movie and nothing was going to happen to me for watching it, but that scene creates such great tension, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't breathe; I was on the verge of panic. Those final flashback moments of the movie were when I could finally breathe again and everything was OK. Before that, I was being held prisoner just like the doctor. The story, the writer made me part of it. The writing for that scene had been intense. THAT is the kind of writing that makes me forget about my own life and become trapped in the world of others.

Whether fiction or not, being able to feel the same emotion is the only way to truly understand someone else. And the writers who can successfully pull this off are masters of character, of people. And these scenes should be noted by us all. Because knowing people is the best way, the only way to really exist (and maybe make a difference) in this world.

Sorry if this was kind of heavy, but you know how it is sometimes...

Will Work for Food... and a Reasonable Salary

2008-03-07T14:30:00.004-05:00

Damn, it has been so long since I've written anything here. The last thing I wrote wasn't even a real post. It was a post telling you to check out another post on another blog. I guess I haven't really been taking time to stop and think about my life. At least not long enough or in convenient enough places to put any words down into this word document.

I'm about to turn into an unemployed twenty-something college graduate, and I have no idea what I'm going to do. Unfortunately, the procrastinator in me is telling me that it's fine... I'll be able to find something... don't worry so much. But then the anal-retentive worrier in me is panicking. I, of course, have been siding mostly with the procrastinator. It's what I do best.

I have to find a job. I have been looking, but I haven't really applied anywhere. In my industry, I can pretty much work from anywhere. This means that I can pretty much take any job I find or am offered. Problem is, I'm afraid to apply to just any job because I'm afraid of where I will be living. I don't want to live in fucking Idaho. I don't really want to live in the Midwest. I've been considering this, and I think that if I lived in the middle of the country I would go crazy. The only logical explanation I can think of is that I would fee claustrophobic.

I know what you're thinking. How is that logical? Well, if I live on a coast, East or West, then at least I have the ocean to escape to. If I lived in a landlocked state, then I'd have only more land to escape to. I know that sounds kind of silly, but it's significant to me. I want to stay on the East coast, but if I find a good job that's going to pay me an assload of money, then I will move to the West. I don't know. I'd rather stay over here.

But still, where will I live. I suppose I should have a job before I get an apartment as the little money I have will probably go fast. But what job am I going to have? Where is my job going to be? Should I move to a place I want to live, or try to find a job somewhere first? There are so many opportunities in NYC, but it's so expensive to live around here. I would be so comfortable living in Charlotte, but where would I work? Hell, I'll move to Georgia... but what will I do?

Sometimes the amount of logistics I have to contemplate make me crazy. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Any suggestions?

Secrets of Others...

2007-12-30T01:45:00.001-05:00

I know I haven't updated in a long time, and I know I'm due for one (and it may be long), but I don't feel like writing one. Instead I share with you a postcard I just saw on PostSecret.com. Occasionally I'll find one that I identify with, or one that just has so much emotion I feel like crying. But I just found one so much more emotional than any other secret I remember seeing on this site or in the books. It's beautiful and devestating, and almost made me vomit with dispair. I want to cry:

I need a song, stat!

2007-11-28T16:48:00.001-05:00

You ever have those days when something just doesn't seem to fit correctly? I'm not talking about clothes or anything like that. I'm talking about things that you love, but for some reason, on any particular day, just don't seem to fit mentally.

Perhaps you are a little lost. I will explain: I listen to music everyday. I have it. It's almost a biological need... like food or water or shelter. I need it, in some form, to survive. Today, I especially needed it. No real reason in particular... it just felt like my brain needed it. This sounds weird, but that's what it feels like.

However, my dilemma is that no matter what music I tried, nothing seemed to fit. Nothing satiated my desire for musical sounds and rhythms. I scrolled through all the music on my iPod, desperately trying different things, hoping one of them would stick. Coldplay. Damien Rice. Dead or Alive. Death Cab for Cutie. Duncan Sheik. Elton John. Genesis. Jane's Addiction. Madness. Mazzy Star. Modest Mouse. New Order. Ok Go. I tried them all. Even Paul Simon's "Kodachrome" gave me no relief. I thought Plain White T's "Hey There, Delilah" was going to work, but it didn't.

My God, what was I going to do?? Then, for shits and giggled, I put on a song I don't listen to often. It's a fun song, and I enjoy it... I just don't typically choose to listen to it that often. But of course, this is the song that finally worked. This is the song that finally released the anxiety and pressure building up in my head.

What was that song you ask?

You asked for it (I dare you not to smile):

What's wrong with me? Hahaha...

Where is Kyle?

2007-11-27T01:03:00.003-05:00

Dear Faithful Readers,

Hello! And Welcome back to my blog. I haven't updated in a few weeks, but rest assured, I am still here. Unfortunately, I only seem to be able to stop by periodically.

This semester has been pretty crazy. Lots of crap going on. Lots of papers getting written. Mid-terms and such. Luckily there are only a few weeks left of the semester, which is actually pretty scary. That means there are only a couple more months before I have to get started on my life in the "real world."

But until then, I just have to sit back, relax, and remember that I'm still in college. That said, I've been doing a lot of procrastinating. Two weeks ago I became obsessed with missing 24-year-old Kyle Fleischmann. He went missing Nov. 9, 2007 around 2 or 3 am from the Buckhead Saloon in uptown Charlotte, NC. Police and volunteers have been searching the area since then, but there has been no sign of him (that I'm aware of). I've slacked off a little in my following of the story, but there haven't really been any new developments. But if you have any information please contact Crime Stoppers at 704.334.1600.

I feel strangely drawn to the whole case, as if I feel some responsibility to help find him. When they had the sweep a couple weekends ago, I was sad that I wasn't going to be in Charlotte to help. I don't know why, but I feel like I need to help. But I don't know how I can do that from here other than to let my readers (all 2 of them) know.

I don't know. In other news, I went shopping on Black Friday. It was kinda cool. There were so many people there. Kinda like this:
Only there were many, many more people, and we were organized into a line. There had to be like 1,000 people in front of me, and I got there at 4:15am! And the store opened at 5am! I still got what I wanted though.

The Office, Season 1: $8.99
The Office, Season 2: $12.99

and a few other movies. It's all pretty sweet, haha. They're my Christmas present to myself. I think I'll like them.

Other than that, there's not much going on in my world. How was your day?

Song Headache (a real one this time, haha)

2007-11-09T19:29:00.000-05:00

The mind is amazing thing. One of the wonders of the mind is the random appearance of a song.

Why does a song, a song we haven't thought of in years, a song we learned the words to years ago, suddenly pop into our heads, unannounced?

Why, when I was doing laundry earlier, did a song we used to sing in elementary school suddenly spring into my head? When I was in second grade or something like that, we used to have assemblies about imagination and I don't even remember what. It was held in the gym/multi-purpose room. We would "fly" on our "magic carpets" (a.k.a. sitting on a carpet square) to far off lands and learn valuable cultural and imaginative lessons. Our gym teacher (Ms. Clarkson?) and our art teacher (Mrs. Rutherford?) would lead us in a song before every "flight."

I was 7 years old. And I still remember all of the words.

Come take a ride on the magic carpet
Come exploring with me
We'll see the sights from the highest mountains
To the lowest depths of the sea
So many miracles
So much to learn
So many things to see and to do
I don't think that anything could be more fun
Than seeing them and doing them with you!
So come take a ride on the magic carpet
A truly miraculous, magic carpet!
Come exploring with me!

Hahaha, some of the things I remember are so bizarre. :)

November Blues

2007-11-08T20:49:00.000-05:00

So, I realize that it's been like a month. I'm really bad at updating this thing. It's really a shame. I could update this more frequently, but this semester has been a total energy and time eater. I have no idea how it's already November. October came and went, and I barely remember it. And where the hell did September go? I've been trying to take like one day at a time, but they're still slipping away. I'm not an alcoholic or anything, but I figured if I can go one day without breaking down (which doesn't happen that often), then I can get through this stress and I can make it out alive.

I've realized that's what I really want. I just want to make it out of college alive.

It's my last year. This should be fun, but all I feel is depressed and stressed out. There are a million things I have to do before I go. Also, I have recently realized (and blogged about over the summer), I don't think I'm ready to enter the real world. The prospect of having to get an apartment and get a job and pay for my own health insurance and bills scares me to freaking death. I've desperately wanted all this for the past four years, but now that it's imminent, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.

Also, I think my parents may move. This is a BIG deal. No, it's not really that big a deal, but my parents have lived in the same house since I was 4 (minus the year or so we lived in the apartment). We lived there when I started school, and it's always been the home I've gone to when on break from college. I'd say like 90% of my childhood memories are at that house, and now they may be moving.

View Larger Map

My dad may be getting a job in Raleigh. We have to wait and see, but if he does, that's a 3 hour commute, and that ain't happening. So they'd have to move. Which means that my permanent address is going to change (though i'm going to have to get one of my own soon anyway). So now when I go "home" I'm going to be 3 hours from my friends and my memories. And it's funny that in the midst of being afraid of being away from friends and memories... my brain also found it necessary to note how far I'd be from Manifest... I <3 Manifest...

There's something wrong with me...

An Update? For Realz? For Realz.

2007-10-08T22:54:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't really been writing about me in the past few weeks. I haven't really had any thing to write about. I mean, I always have something I can write about, but there were no complete or coherent thoughts. There was nothing that I could sit still long enough to write about.

Something reminded me of the blog I used to have a long time ago over at LiveJournal. So I read through some of the most recent entries (and when I say recent, I mean like Fall of 2005). Some of them were pretty interesting. Back then I was less concerned with brevity and impressing people than I feel I am now. I mean, if you look at some of the entries on this blog, I'm not too damn interested in being brief either, but it almost feels like I was so free back then.

I don't know why I've stopped. I guess I'm afraid of being candid again. As some of you may know (though most of you probably don't) I found me a new boyfriend. That's right. I have a boyfriend again for the first time in 5 years. His name is Chad and he's good people. He's smart and caring and makes me smile. Like I said, he's good people. That's really all the information I'm going to reveal at this time, but that should suffice, haha.

Besides that, I've got school going for me. Got the Senior Seminar paper that I have to start researching and writing soon. On top of a paper for my Contemporary Fiction class. On top of a paper for my Music of America class. I feel pretty optimistic, though. I can swing it.

Though, I really should be doing reading for Senior Seminar instead of updating, but whatever.

Other than that, there's really not a whole lot going on. I mean, it's day-to-day, pretty action-packed. I don't really have a lot of free time. I really, honestly just want to graduate and get a job, but who knows. Grad school still looms over my head. I haven't decided what to do with that one yet.

I'll figure something out.

Until next time,
Christina<3

Part 2: God Gets a Lawyer

2007-09-24T15:18:00.001-04:00

Wow, I didn't think this would happen. But there have been developments in the lawsuit against God.

Looks like God found Himself a lawyer who has responded in His defense. The problems He was accused of, God's lawyer says, is the fault of the people for not acknowledging signs of impending doom. I wonder what's going to happen next...

Click here for the whole story.

The Most Amusing

2007-09-19T17:00:00.000-04:00

Okay, I know it's kind of boring when I just post news stories, but this has got to be one of the most amusing stories I've read in a really really really long time.

A Nebraska state senator sued God last week. Yes, that's right: he sued God. Sen. Ernie Chambers has accused God of causing "widespread death, destruction, and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants." The Almighty is also alliterationally accused of causing "fearsome floods... horrendous hurricanes, [and] terrifying tornadoes."

The senator, apparently, was trying to prove his point that anyone can bring a lawsuit against anyone, and that the whole thing is getting a little out of hand, as we now have to deal with frivolous lawsuits left and right. Awesome idea. Really.

Click here for the whole ridiculous story. (note: the picture is especially ironic. I love it.)

Amusing News #2

2007-09-14T15:46:00.001-04:00

Okay so here are a couple more news stories that I found amusing in some way or another. Honestly, I think I just like trying to come up with clever tag-lines, haha. Enjoy!

O.J. Simpson a suspect... maybe this time...

One sausage is enough

An Un-sticky situation ... har har... this is actually pretty cool.

Amusing News #1

2007-09-12T16:56:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone!

I apologize for the long post last time. I know that I ramble on for too long, but sometimes that's how long it takes for me to fully explain the thoughts going through my head. Sometimes there's just too many, but whatever.

I'm not going to do that here though. Not a lot has been going on lately. I moved back to Jersey for my senior year of college! Woo hoo! Celebrate good times, come on! Heck yes. Kinda excited, but also kinda sad that it's all going to be over in a few months' time. But prospects on the horizon are pretty exciting. We shall see.

But since I don't really have much to talk about, I thought I'd share a few things that were amusing me today (in true blog fashion):

National Let's Make a Baby Day!

Creepy Attempt to Make Blood Run as One

Lonely Ex-Con a Con Again

Meanings of Sounds

2007-08-23T00:09:00.000-04:00

(I apologize in advance for the heaviness of this post.)

Isn't it funny how our brains assign meanings to sounds and smells and sights, how we can condition our brains to assign these meanings, how external forces make us assign these meanings?

When we are younger, all the sounds of the world are new to us. Slowly we learn to associate noises with sources and eventually they become second nature. Oh, that soft pattering? That's just the rain. That click and subsequent rush of air? Oh, that's just the air conditioner. It must be hot in here.

Eventually these noises that may startle us the first time we hear them will drift into our subconscious and we hardly notice them when we hear them again, right? Usually.

There is one sound that will always haunt me though. The first time I remember hearing it is a day that we all remember.

In a couple of weeks, it will be the six year anniversary of the day that will forever be known as September 11th. It needs no context year. The anniversary will also be on a Tuesday, just like it was. I remember most of that morning pretty clearly. It was so beautiful outside that morning. I was in NC, but the weather was still stunning. The sky was blue and there were hardly any clouds at all, if there were any. As I walked to my 2nd block class (it was an A day, for all you South Meckers. So it was 3rd period, haha), I remember looking up at the sky and thinking to myself "gosh, it's such a beautiful day!"

Little did I know that approximately 2-4 minutes before the bell rang, an airplane had struck that first tower. I went about my day.

I don't actually know when we finally found out. Sometime after the plane hit the pentagon, that I know. My teacher's wife had called him and told him, and he told us. Both the towers had been hit, and so had the pentagon. We didn't believe him. A few people giggled nervously. "Psssh, what are you talking about, Coach Bagwell?" But his face showed no signs of of a joke. Someone got up and turned on the TV. Sure enough, it was not a sick joke. The rest of the day was filled with news and discussion, pure denial and fear.

Some of the details of my awareness are garbled, a fact I struggle with often. But one thing I do know is that I'm not sure I grasped the gravity of what had just transpired. I knew what had happened, but I wasn't sure of what I had seen.

People were dead. Thousands of them. I only vaguely remember crying. But I do remember being scared. And I remember watching hours and hours of news for the following few days. One day they aired a video that a doctor had shot. He had had to hide behind a parked car to avoid being knocked over and asphyxiated by the smoke and dust. The camera shook Blair-Witch Style, he ducked behind the car, and then the screen went black. A few seconds later it got lighter and the man stood up. Everything was gray. The car, the buildings, the people, even the air. I thought I was going to vomit. And to make things worse, I could hear that sound. That sound that has come to define fear for me. That sound that when I hear it, even now, I am immediately back 6 years watching the dazed faces stumble through the ash-filled streets.

The incessant beeping coming from the fire fighters filled my ears. Every day for hours on end. It was meant to signal "hey, I'm over here," but to me signaled "I'm nowhere to be seen," and I feared the worst. That sound, to this day, haunts me. I heard it on the news a few months ago, and I was brought back instantly. My mind was in a panic once again. Almost immediately I saw the ash and the broken windows and the personal affects. I saw the sun straining to stream down through the cloud of smoke and ash and dust. The important documents floating delicately down through the early September breeze. That video shot by the documentary team with the fire fighters. You know the one. They heard a horrible noise and looked up as an enormous passenger jet barreled into one of the buildings that once made the New York skyline so recognizable.

That one day, and all its events, have imprinted on my mind a terrible, frightful meaning for that arbitrary sound. It's just a beep after all. It means something to those of certain professions, but mean nothing to me personally. But that one day, the meaning became personal. I understood what it was. The meaning stuck in my brain and subsequently conjures up unwanted images every time I hear it.

Eventually, maybe, that sound will just be added to the list of noises I recognize without fear: the air conditioner kicking on, sirens in the distance, the crow of a rooster, a hair dryer, the whirring of a laptop fan straining to cool the hard drive. These are all things that I hear and think nothing of. Maybe one day the beeping coming from the uniforms of fire fighters, the beep that is so useful in saving their lives, will drop from my consciousness.

Maybe, but I seriously doubt it.

Virtual Barbershop

2007-08-09T01:17:00.000-04:00

This doesn't really pertain to me, but I found it really cool and I wanted to share. This is called the "Virtual Barbershop." Here you will hear sounds that make you think you're actually in a barbershop and a man is actually demonstrating things for you. It's really crazy how this works. The human brain never ceases to amaze me.

For best results, you need to listen to it with headphone with your eyes closed. It helps with the virtual feel.

Recent Developments

2007-08-03T02:12:00.000-04:00

Well, not a whole lot has happened to me in the past 10 or so days that I last posted something. I've been reading a lot of comics online (Toothpaste For Dinner and Natalie Dee mostly). My friend TJ also told me about this site called McSweeney's lists. It's just lists about random things that people do, think, or observe or whatever. Some of them are pretty funny. Some of them, not so, but that's life. But TJ had the idea to start our own lists blog when we start working again. There's nothing else to do really when there's down time at work, so why not make some random lists. When I know more, I'll let all of you loyal readers know.

Besides that I've been spending a lot of time talking to people from that dating site I talked about last post. Some of them interesting, some of them not. One of them very interesting, haha. Perhaps more on that later as well.

What's more impending is the doom of a new semester. I finally purchased my parking pass which cost me $250. I still need to register for one more class and buy my textbooks. Hooray for having to borrow money from relatives because I was too stupid to be able to land a job this summer! Hopefully this year will be great, seeing as it's probably my last. Grad school may still be an option, but I don't know. I'll have to wait and see. I wish the secretary of my department would finally email me my password so I can register. I mean, seriously, it's been like 2 weeks. Email me already! Grr. Infuriating.

Though, I am going to see Editors on September 7. That's exciting!

Until next time...

Public groping? Yeah, sure, why not?

2007-07-22T00:59:00.001-04:00

Alright, so I'm going to be upfront. I joined this dating site called OkCupid earlier this week. It's pretty fun. It doesn't have any of the stipulations like paying, and it's not at all snobby like eHarmony. This site specifically says that it gives you a "compatibility" score, but that you are the only one who can really figure that out for sure.

They also have a really great sense of humor over there. While filling out some personality quiz or something, one of the questions said "If you have STDs, go here." The word "here" was a link that took you to Match.com. There are also all sorts of surveys and quizzes and stuff to help you judge who you're compatible with.

And it was while answering some of these questions that I stumbled upon this question:

"If the subway was crowded and you were packed against several people just to fit in the car, would you grope the cutest one next to you?... they would never know it was you, much less that they were groped."

Then you had to choose Yes, No, or I Don't Know. Then you have to choose what your "ideal match" would answer and how important that is. But, really, that's a question that can influence who I'm compatible with?

That's awesome!

I sat and thought about it for a second. Then I determined, that yes, I would totally do it. I've always wanted to goose someone, so why not on a crowded subway train when no one could tell either way? But then again, if they were cute, I might want them to know they were actually groped. And if they showed any sign of possibly being interested in me, then I'd want them to know it was me.

So that question is kind of loaded then, I guess. Haha. Either way, I'd totally do it.

And yes, I said that my ideal match would do it as well. How important is it that they answer it that way? Somewhat, haha.

So I guess if I groped and was groped simultaneously? Damn. A match made in naughty heaven.

Not that I like being groped in public by random people or make a habit of groping strangers, but it could be fun...

I Can Still Remember...

2007-07-19T02:23:00.000-04:00

I wonder if this applies to anyone else:

I've always known, and yet just recently realized that my memory is, for the most part, spatially oriented. This means that I can remember certain details, certain conversations, based on my physical location at the time the conversation or event occurred. I can also recall facts based on their physical location on a page.

As far as I can remember, I've always done this. When we would have tests in school, I'd be able to remember answers to the questions based on where physically the answer or topic was in my notes or in the textbook. Was it on the back of the page at the top? Was there a doodle on the page? Maybe it was on the front of a page, but somewhere in the middle. Or if it was in a textbook, was there a picture on the page, and how did the text wrap around it? If I could remember the layout of the text, then chances were I could remember the answer, or at least remember enough information to make an educated guess.

I didn't think this was a photographic memory, but is it?

It's not just with academic stuff. I once wanted to test my new memory theory, an idea I had while studying for the AP European History test my senior year of high school. I was thinking about it as I walked into the kitchen to get a drink. I decided to try something. I opened the refrigerator door and thought to myself, "I will remember this moment for the rest of my life." And so far I have. It's an utterly meaningless moment, and yet I willed myself to remember it.

This kind of applies to my skill at memory games like "I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing..." type games. I once played a version of this game with my friend Mary Ann (about a year ago) and I still remember that "crotchless panties" were mentioned near the gas station across from my favorite record store. A pack of batteries was listed at a traffic light, and a certain friend's crooked tooth was mentioned near, if not in, MA's neighborhood.

There's a spot at the start of an on-ramp for the Garden State Pkwy in Jersey on the way to the airport that reminds me of a conversation I had in which I mentioned "High and Dry" by Radiohead. A little further down the Pkwy in the same direction is a sign that will cue me to say "monkey" as I said it now would upon revealing my skill to my friend TJ who was driving the car.

Whenever I mention this ability to someone, they seem pretty amazed by it. Am I the only one who can do this? Or just the only who does it consciously?

School: Preparing Us For More School

2007-07-15T00:44:00.000-04:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I've come to the conclusion that I have always been prepared for the pretend world -- that is, school and school-like situations. I've always received good grades. I think I've had like 1 or 2 B's, like 3 or 4 A-'s and the rest A's my entire college career. I'm well adjusted to the learning environment, and all that crap.

But, as we journalism majors seem to be reminded somewhat often, this really does not matter at all. What really matters is experience. A newspaper isn't going to care that you got an A in every reporting class you took. What they're going to care about is whether you can write. Which I suppose makes sense. Problem is, I think I'm more prepared for taking the class.

I'm not ready to be released into the "Real World" (and not just because working at a newspaper isn't my ideal job). I don't think school has prepared me for the "Real World." I know how to do work and answer questions to the satisfaction of my professors and teachers. I'm pretty good at reading them and being able to tell what level of bullshit is going to get me an A. But surely, real life can't be so easy.

Case in point: I took this one class last semester. I'm not going to reveal the name just in case any professors or fellow students or deans or whatever happen to stumble upon this. It was a journalism class, but it wasn't a writing intensive class. Now, I had this professor before, and overall I think he is a good professor. I learn a lot from him, and he's actually interesting to listen to. However, having had him a semester previous, I knew just want I had to do in this class. I knew exactly how hard I had to work, how much I had to pay attention. We had to write 3 papers in that class. I wrote every single one of them the night before they were due. In my opinion, only one of them was good. The other were complete crap. I made up theses and tried to make the research fit what I was trying to prove. I didn't make up the research, I just chose to omit what would be detrimental to my case (Note: the theses weren't complete crap, but they perhaps were full of holes, and I just plain didn't care about them).

I guess everyone does this, but the point here is that I worked only hard enough to get by (albeit, with an A... though somehow I DID manage to pull out a 100 on that final exam. I'm not quite sure how that happened, haha). But what I'm saying here is that I know how to excel at school. But I have this fear that the real world is not going to be like this. I get into classes because I register on time. I get into Honour Societies because I do well in my classes. I get all these privileges and awards for little effort, it feels. And yet, I can't find a job to save my life.

By the time I graduate, I will have somewhere close to $70,000 in loans to pay off. Probably a little more. How am I going to pay those off with no job? After 16 (17 after this year) years of schooling, I don't think I'm prepared at all to live on my own like a normal citizen.

[Though, what little hope I still have left in my being able to create a future for myself is making me seriously consider moving to Georgia when I graduate. I think there are a few career/job opportunities I can work my way through there. And can you believe I'm even thinking about going to grad school? Me -- Ms. Anti-Grad School!... heh... maybe it's so that I can keep going to school and I won't have to worry about this scary place called the "Real World".]

Achievements In Insomnia

2007-07-11T01:40:00.000-04:00

For most of the summer, since I've been back in Charlotte, I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I don't know if it's the overwhelming sense of not having to do anything, or what. I don't mean to, but I stay up later and later every night, and wake up later and later every day. I have no idea what's wrong, and it seems that no matter what I do, I can't stop it.

It honestly started at the beginning of May when I made my "big" return. At school, the latest I went to sleep was probably around 2am. Lately, it hasn't been unusual for me to not fall asleep until 3:30 or 4. One day I was supposed to drive up to Greensboro with my friend. I had to be up at 8 that morning, but I hadn't gone to sleep but 4 hours before. I try to make myself tired by watching shows online, but I have an alarming attention span. I spent many of that day's wee hours watching old episodes of Ugly Betty on ABC.com.

But that's not the worst. It's gotten progressively more inconvenient since then. I've spent a few sleepless nights lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling. Maybe getting up to try to read or watch more shows, or play my piano. Nothing works definitively, but I end up drifting to sleep around 6am. A couple days last week, I didn't go to sleep until after the sun was rising and I heard the alarm clock in my parents' room.

But Monday/Tuesday, was my crowning achievement in insomnia. Monday was a typical day for me. I managed to drag my lazy ass out of bed around 1:30pm. I went through the day without much excitement. But then it came time to sleep. Unfortunately, I got distracted by some episodes of Dead Like Me on a website that has a bunch of links to television shows, cartoons, movies, documentaries, and other cool things. Starting around 1am (just under 12 hours of being awake), I found one of my favorite tv shows about grim reapers, and started watching. Before I knew it, it was 4am. I thought, "I should probably try to get some sleep." So I minimized my windows so I could watch later and went and lay in my bed.

Half an hour of staring sleeplessly at the ceiling, and I decided to give the show another try. I watched for a few more hours. I tried going to sleep again at 6am, but that didn't work either. I went for a couple more episodes. At 8:20, still having not slept since the day before, I emerged from my room to make myself some scrambled eggs. They were delicious.

So now it's 9am. I'm a little tired, but I can't fall asleep. I decided to try an experiment. I decided that maybe if I hold on for 24 hours of consciousness, then maybe I could take a nap in the afternoon and then be able to sleep at night. Well, after watching the last 3 or 4 episodes of Season 2 of Dead Like Me (I watched practically the entire second season that night), I decided to try my nap. At 1:30 or 2pm on Tuesday, I napped on the couch. I slept for 5.5 hours. I got up, ate a bit of dinner, watched some more TV and I thought I was set. I was in bed by 1 or 1:30am last night, and I thought, "eggs would be nice again at 8:30," and resolved to make it an early morning to get my rhythm back to sleeping and waking at decent hours.

The trouble is, I didn't wake up today until 2pm. I slept for over 12 straight hours. Fuck me. I guess my experiment didn't work out so well.

I'm going to try again for breakfast tomorrow (this) morning. I hope to be awake in 6.5 hours. Then maybe my whole day won't be a waste. We'll see, though...

(Sorry I write so much. I'll try to cut back.)

Stressful Dream #2

2007-07-08T02:06:00.000-04:00

I had a dream last night that my mom hid my piano from me. I don't know why she would have done that, but she did, as sort of a practical joke, I guess. When I realized that it was gone, I flipped out. I went crazy. On the verge of tears, I set out to find it, but I didn't get very far. I walked down the main road outside my neighborhood for a while, but nothing. I didn't get very far though; I didn't have a lot of time.

We had to go somewhere. Like an orientation or something. We were in this house, and there were lots and lots of people there. I think Ultimate Fighter Nigel Hudson was there, but I don't remember what purpose he served. But it was sort of a sleep-away orientation, like when you're a freshman in college, I guess. But I was in a room, and it was nighttime, and I happened to look out the window, and there was my piano, leaning against a tree. It looked like it had branches leaned against it, an apparent attempt at camouflage.

Again, I kind of freaked out. I ran outside and tried to get it, but someone was standing in my way. This is where it gets hazy. I can't remember exactly the sequence of events, but at one point I'm getting sprayed in the face with a hose. A high pressure hose, I might add. It was drowning me. I can't remember if I actually get the piano.

But then suddenly I'm Trey Parker. Or I'm watching Trey Parker tell the story of how he got sprayed in the face with hose. He was telling my story. To his daughter. Who was this like two- or three-year-old blond girl. And then I think a magazine wrote a story about it, but I really don't remember much after that.

But what's up with being drown for trying to retrieve my piano? Does this go along with my other recent dreams of being smothered? What exactly is going on? Do I need to brace myself for something, here?

Even though these dreams are somewhat amusing when I think about them after I'm already awake, I really just wish I could have a happy, non-stressful dream for once.

Modern Day Balladeers

2007-07-05T03:20:00.000-04:00

I had this strange realization a few months ago. As far as I know, no one else seems to see this or think this, but every time I think about it, it makes me giggle. No one can really deny that the music industry is run by men. Now, before you zone out, thinking I'm this ultra femme, relax. I'd much rather be a housewife than work in an office as the CEO of some company (of course, I am extremely lazy), but that's sort of beside the point.

But, so everyone knows that men sort of run the whole music thing. Men make up the majority of singers (I'm mostly talking about the pop/rock genre, here). Yes, there have been a few female singers like Mariah Carey or, God help me, Britney Spears or whatever. But I honestly just had to sit here trying to think of their names. This is opposed to the likes of Bryan Adams, Sting, R.E.M., Radiohead, Counting Crows, Hootie & the Blowfish, Edwin McCain, Collective Soul, Live... hell, even Eminem. I could go on. Men are more widely known and accepted (and those names were just the first few that came to mind). How many female rockers can you name that have had long, fulfilling careers? Or hell, even if their careers weren't that long and fulfilling, how many of them do we still remember (and we're ignoring one-hit wonders from both sexes)?

I'm sure they do exist, but I cannot think of any of them right now. So, considering that, in our culture, men are the singers. So, what is singing? I'd define it as an emotional expression of feelings and thoughts through a tonal and lyrical medium. But wait, aren't those typically "female characteristics"? Aren't women the ones who are typically stuck with the trait of being sensitive and caring and emotional and whatever? And yet, here are all these men making a living being just that.

I'm not saying that men can't be emotional or sensitive. I'm just saying that they are traits that are associated with women, and yet are clearly visible in every single male musician. And we accept that as fact. Does anyone else see this as ironic? I'm not saying it's bad, it's just interesting. And it has been going on for centuries. Just think of the wandering balladeers. As far as I know, none of them were female. Who was more sensitive and charming and emotional than the balladeers?

And so, after coming to that conclusion, every time I really think about a guy being a singer, it brings a smile to my lips and a giggle to my throat. Singing just feels like such a female quality, that it makes me laugh whenever I think of a man doing it. (It's really the same concept as poetry being female, though there are arguably more examples of successful female poets than there are successful female rockers).

Perhaps the deeper issue I'm getting at here is this: there is a societal double standard on men, saying that they cannot be sensitive or emotional or express their feelings without being labeled "gay." UNLESS they're a singer. Then it's okay.

And it's this double standard that is ironic and amusing. It's the reason society both fascinates and irks me. Guys can be phenomenal singers. I'll take a male voice over a female voice any day (depending, of course, on whose voice, haha). But singing just seems like such a female thing. Maybe it comes from other genres of entertainment where females are more dominant. Like musical cartoon fairy tales. Growing up, I used to watch that old Cinderella movie almost daily. Ol' Cindy sang while doing chores, to the mice, to herself, whatever. In fairy tale movies, most of the singing is done by women. Maybe that's why, when I move to another genre like more popular music, the fact that most of the singers are guys is a little... off.

I don't know. I don't know how to explain it any better. It's just something that amused me. And as I'm listening to a guy I know sing in a register he's perhaps not that comfortable singing in, the irony really makes me giggle... (I still love his songs and his voice though).

Just thought I'd share.

(Here's another interesting thought: why is it that when guys are singers, they are labeled sensitive and slightly less masculine than a fireman [though still acceptable], but when women attempt to be singers in the same genre, they have to "butch" up, they have to be tough and kind of bitchy, like Avril Lavigne, or Meredith Brooks [remember that song "Bitch"? That's what I'm talking about]? Singers, it seems, can bring in both sides of sexuality to create entities that are both gender-bending and socially acceptable. Hmm...)

Death of a ThinkPad

2007-07-04T01:39:00.000-04:00

My laptop died today (or yesterday, as it is almost 2am). It seemed to be working fine earlier today. I glanced at it/checked the time probably around 5:45 this evening, and when I came back to check my email about about quarter to 8, there was a black screen and a tiny whiter cursor blinking in the top left corner. I don't know if this could be considered "blue screening" as the screen was not blue. Then again, it may have been blue when it started its death throws, but alas, I was not here to witness it.

So, here I am, typing away on my parents' computer. Man, this thing is old. I used this thing to write my Senior Exit Paper. Talk about memories. I was on this computer about 3.5 years ago when I smelled toast even though no one had been cooking, prompting me to wonder if I had a brain tumor. It was also here, sitting at this computer, that I had a breakdown whilst doing pre-calculus homework in 11th grade. I threw my book and my notebook across the room. I still remember the ripping of paper, and how much I didn't care. But this is also the computer where I attempted my first musical mix. I recorded myself playing "Mad World" on the piano in one file, and recorded myself singing it in another, and then spliced to two together. Now, I'm not a phenomenal singer, but the end result was pretty snazzy, especially since it was the end result of Windows standard Sound Recorder and a shitty monitor microphone (and also perhaps my first experience in something that I may want to continue pursuing).

But fond or not-so-fond memories aside, it really pisses me off that my laptop died. I'm not really sure what happened. I think the fan stopped working, causing it to overheat. This happens a lot though, but the tech guy at my school (who issued me the laptop) said that my computer must have been in pretty bad shape. But, he also said that there was a really good chance at getting all my files back. Which is a good thing. Almost all my recent writing is on that computer, along with some digital songs files -- all files I've been meaning to backup on disk, but haven't gotten around to doing yet. Also, my password for online registration is on there, and as one of my classes got cancelled and I now have to register for another one, I'm going to be needing that soon. But the tech guy also said that I could send the computer to them and they would fix it, and restore all my files (hopefully), so I guess I'm alright.

I'm still pretty bummed though.

Oh, and I still don't have a job.

But, on the brighter side, I am going to see Editors in NYC in September. Heck yes!

Much love,
Christina

Cold Feet

2007-07-01T21:03:00.000-04:00

I had a couple of dreams that I was being smothered last night.

In the first one, I was in bed with John Krasinski (Jim from The Office). It wasn't like that -- not really, anyway. We were lying kind of perpendicular to each other. For some reason he had one of his legs on top of me, just laying there. It was kind of holding me down. I have no idea what that was. I woke up, but decided that I really didn't want to be up yet, so I went back to sleep.

Eventually I had another dream. I was sitting in my house and Zach Braff was dating this girl I went to high school with. But he was actually interested in me. I was watching them through my living room window, and when they were done talking, she walked away and he came in my house. We promptly started making out, haha. I felt bad though; I don't want to be a homewrecker. The girl from high school came back and she was mad at me and probably calling me names. I really, honestly felt guilty about the whole thing. But according to Zach, it was all going to be okay. And then we made out more. But then suddenly there were feet in my face. I think they were Zach's, but I can't be sure. And they wouldn't go away. It was probably one of the strangest dreams I've ever had.

By themselves, they're just weird dreams. But together, they make me wonder why the hell I feel like I'm being smothered. I have no job (though hopefully that'll change soon). So there's no responsibility there. And that's really it. I have nothing pressing to do on a daily basis. But then again, maybe that's what's smothering me: the hopeless, useless feeling. I've started having headaches almost daily, something that I haven't experienced since my senior year in high school. But they're not just regular headaches. They're like pinching, throbbing pains almost constantly.

Still doesn't explain why I had feet in my face, though...

Actual Events That Make Me Die a Little Inside: Part 1

2007-06-30T03:25:00.000-04:00

Friend: Yeah, I went to whatever show at whatever venue at some date in the past.

Internal-AssOfMyself-Preventer: Oh yeah, I think I saw a picture of that. But I shouldn't have necessarily seen it. Don't mention the picture. Don't mention the picture. Don't mention the picture.

Me: Wait, isn't there a picture or something of you [at the show]...?

I-A-P: I hate you.

10 Hours of My Life, Gone

2007-06-30T01:00:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I've definitely spent the last 10 hours on my computer. Isn't my life sad? In my defense, I've been working on various projects, but everytime I get up, I wonder why my ass hurts, and I think sitting on the couch since around 3pm yesterday may be the cause.

I've been compiling a list of CDs for a little "project" I'm working on with the help of friends, haha. After about 3 hours of that, I started going through my music collection with my mom to find out what she wants to put on her iPod (which she still isn't entirely comfortable with using yet). After about 2 hours of that, I started searching for this comic I remember seeing a few years ago. I know it had something to do with Pearl Jam and how hard it is to understand what he's saying in the song "Evenflow," but I cannot, for the life of me, find it anywhere! And it is driving me mad! (And now I realize that this last part wasn't so much a "project" as a pathetic excuse for a Friday night.)

And now, after giving up, I've realized that I've spent the last 5 hours looking for that damn fucking comic. 5 hours. I'm not sure you read that correctly.... I said 5, as in one-two-three-four-five fucking hours. Jesus, I didn't even realize until I started writing this paragraph. My God, I need a life.

On the upside, it gave me something to write about, so that's cool I guess.

I'm going to try my hand at keeping this blog semi-regular. Maybe someone will be interested in reading the thoughts of an extremely imaginative, unemployed twenty-something preparing for her last year of college. You never know who may be reading, I guess...

Long Overdue

2007-06-28T23:08:00.000-04:00

Wow, I haven't blogged in a long time. Since like the very very beginning of the year. I've written a few drafts, but I never published them on here. I've really wanted to write something, but I kind of got away from the whole blog thing. But I'd like to start again. So here goes:

I have decided that I must be terminally unemployable. Either that or I'm terminally lazy. I've applied to a few places, but none of them have every offered me positions, and when I mean to go out and apply to new places, I have panic attacks outside of the establishments. I went to find out about jobs at the library today, and I couldn't pull into the parking lot. I had to double back and go in like 20 mins later. I don't know what's wrong with me. Something, though.

But so because I don't have a job, I don't have any income, which is very sad for my bank account. And for my shopping addiction. I've only bought 4 CDs, 3 shirts, 0 pairs of shoes, and 0 purses. That's amazing for me! Unfortunately I have buyer's remorse about two of the CDs, but you win some, you lose some, I guess.

I did win with one recent CD though: Neon Bible by Arcade Fire. I must admit that I'm a little late on getting it as it was released a while ago. I wasn't originally going to get it. I tried to get into Arcade Fire last year, listening to their album Funeral, but I couldn't get into it enough to buy it. But then I heard a couple songs off this new album and figured I'd give it a try. And you know what? It's pretty good. I'd recommend it. Maybe I'll give a more cohesive review on my other blog (the link is to the right) when I get the time or if I feel like it, haha. We'll see.

That's really all for now. Real exciting, right?

P.S. - The first season of Psych is out on DVD, and that makes me happy.

Haikus for Amanda
I can't write at will
Or else my haikus are crap
See, what'd I tell you?

(hahaha how was that?)

Top 10 (Purchased or Otherwise Acquired) Albums of 2006

2007-01-02T10:39:00.000-05:00

Hey there Kiddies,

I hope that everyone's year has gotten off to a great start. I konw mine hasn't. Haha. Eh, it's so-so. Anyway, I know I haven't posted anything in over a month, but I've been busy with finals and whatnot. But I did manage to do something that I'm actually pretty proud of. I compiled another top 10 list, this time of the best purchased or otherwise acquired albums of 2006. So, why don't you mozy on over to my other blog, "Play Your Stereo Loud" (the link is just there to the right), and read my work. Yeah, it's pretty cool. And hopefully insightful and/or helpful for your next trip to the record store.

Enjoy!
Christina

Camera and NaNo News!!!

2006-11-28T00:17:00.000-05:00

Hey faithful readers (however many there may be),

A lot has happened. I went home for Thanksgiving Break. Got to spend three days in Charlotte just bumming around town. Bought a kick ass digital camera. It's a FujiFilm S6000 fd. It's really cool. It has a pretty kickin' zoom and 6 megapixels. And all the cool ass manual settings too. And I took these totally awesome pics:

They're pretty awesome.

Also, in other news. I won NaNoWriMo 2006! That's right, I wrote over 50,000 words in a month! That means that now I can finish my novel, edit it, and then look into finding an agent and a publisher. That's so exicting! Something I've wanted for so long may actually become a reality! Can you believe this???

Because I can't. This is insane. Welp, off to do more writing instead of homework or something else I should be doing... until then...

<3 Christina

Massive Update

2006-10-30T14:28:00.000-05:00

I really hate that it takes me so long to update this thing. I've kinda started a regular schedule over on "Play Your Stereo Loud," so hopefully that'll help me update here. Though I don't know how many of you still read this, if you ever did. I promise I'll try to do better.

Not a whole lot has happened over on the Christina Front. Christina gets paid on Friday. That makes her very happy. You know what else makes Christina happy? Cary Brothers :)

On Saturday, my friend Kaitlin and I went to see this little thingy called the Hotel Cafe Tour at the Bowery Ballroom in NYC. It's sponsored by myspace.com and (RED)TM, that little campaign that raises money for, I think, AIDS research. I should be more with it, haha. Anyway, so the whole little tour thing was kinda conceived by Mr. Brothers. It featured Joshua Radin, Jim Bianco, Kevin Devine and Schuyler Fisk (the girlfriend in Orange County with Colin Hanks!). Oh, and Cary too. But, I mean, seriously. All that great music in one room?!? Are you kidding me? Best $17 plus train&subway tickets I've ever spent! (Musical review to be on "Play Your Stereo Loud" later in the week). Plus we got to meet some of them. Kaitlin is in love with Joshua Radin so we talked to him for a bit and got autographs and then she talked to Schuyler Fisk for a few minutes. I stood next to Schuyler but didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say, haha. But it was cool.

After the talking, we went back upstairs to watch some more and got to see Cary sing "Blue Eyes," the song that appears on the Garden State soundtrack. Oh man, it was a crowd sing along. It was fantastic. After his set ended, we watched a few more songs, but then decided that we had to go in order to catch the very last train out of NYC (1:34am!). We went downstairs where I spotted Cary by the bar. This was my opportunity to tap him on the shoulder, say hi and get him to sign the poster I had Kaitlin rip off the wall for me, haha. So I did. He looks different close up, but he's still super gorgeous :). I told him that it was a great show and I wished I could watch more, but we had to leave. Then I asked him to sign it. He goes to a table to sign it and then turns back to me and extends his hand "Hi, I'm Cary." "Hi, Christina," I smiled. He signed it: "To Christina, Love Cary Brothers." It was really cute:). Then he was like "It was nice to meet you," and I said the same, and then he said "Don't worry. We'll see each other again." I smiled at him and was like "what?" He then explained that he was sure he was going to be in the area again at some point and that he was releasing an album in February so he'd probably be back. "That's great!" I said "So I can come to another show or something." He says, "Yeah, we'll see each other again." Hahaha... oh man, I <3 Cary Brothers.

Oh! I almost forgot to mention that I got my first over-21 wrist band that night, and celebrated by buying a giant cup of Budweiser for $5. Beer has never tasted so sweet, hahaha. Oh, and I also got beer spilled on my knee by some random person. My knee. I don't know how that happens, but that was pretty awesome too...

All in all, it was a pretty groovy night. And and and... I got two Cary Brother's EPs for $10 total. And they are AMAZING. Saturday was a great day :)

Hey You!

2006-10-18T17:38:00.000-04:00

Yeah, that's right, you! Have you been reading "Play Your Stereo Loud"? No?!?!? What the heck is wrong with you?!?!? Go read it. Right now.

It is now going to be the site of my new semi-weekly, -monthly, daily, -lifetimey column called "Why I <3 Rock Stars" and features funny news stories or quotes or whatever I can find about rock stars and why I <3 them. You should read it. The first one is pretty funny. And they're not that long either.

Oh, and while you're there... read the reviews, leave comments, go to the bathroom, eat a slice of pizza, whatever you want. Just read it, yo :)

<3 Christina

Update on My Life

2006-10-15T20:57:00.000-04:00

Hey all, not a whole lot going on here. I'm full blown into NaNoWriMo now, with outline and characters and all. Actually I'm finding new characters all the time, and I'm only like 25% of the way through my outline. I def need it if I want any chance of making it through this coming month... especially if I want to come out anywhere near the top. It's actually kind of stressful, but this should be fun. It really pisses me off that I also have to deal with this little thing called "school." What a bitch.

Also, Breanne and I went to Fright Fest last night. Wow. Let me tell you... $45 well spent on waiting in line for 2 hours for a 10 minute "scary" hay ride. Though, in its defense, it was kinda creepy b/c it takes you in the woods in the dark and people jump on the wagon and out of trees. It was... cute... it was fun. Waaaay too many people for my likes though... but whatever.

Also, in other bloggy news. You should really check out "Play Your Stereo Loud." The link is just over there to the right ---->
It's good. Read it. :D

PostSecret and NaNoWriMo

2006-10-01T16:32:00.000-04:00

So yesterday Breanne, her sister and I went to the PostSecret exhibit in Reading, PA. It was really cool. Pretty inspirational i think. I wish i had more art supplies here. Like card stock. I wrote somewhere around 26 secrets last night after I got back to my room, and I want to send some of them in, but I need to find something to make them out of. I also purchased the book. It's really amazing. I love PostSecret so much

Also, I may have talked about this before, but I'm going to join this thing called NaNoWriMo, which is a group of people around the world (though mostly in the US) that join together for the month of November to write crappy novels. The goal is to write 50,000 words in 30 days. They don't have to be good and they don't really have to be coherent. Plot holes are allowed. The only stipulation is that you have to start from scratch at 0:00 (or 12:00am) on November 1, and you have until midnight or 11:59pm on November 30 to submit your story. This is going to be awesome! www.nanowrimo.org.

That's really all for now... (oh, and I didn't get to meet Alessandro Nivola on Friday:(...sadness) Oh well, maybe some other time, haha.

Christina :)

MIA

2006-09-29T09:49:00.000-04:00

Wow, I didn't realize how long it had been since the last time I posted on this. I finally got my little music blog off the ground and into the web, so you should go check it out. The link is over there to the right ---->.
It's called "Play Your Stereo Loud." You should check it out, and if you like what you read you should sent other people there to read. Right now the updating is going a little slow and classwork and clubs and all the shit going down on the homefront is distracting me, but I'll try to post something at least once a week. The new post from this week is up. It's a review of Josh Rouse's Nashville. On of my favorite songs of all time is on that album. It's the song I got the title for the blog from. It's a good song, you should try to find it and listen to it. Do it.

Do it.

In other news, I haven't been doing a whole whole lot. Went to the Lactose Tolerance Campaign last weekend in NYC. Signed a petition to make June 1 National Lactose Tolerance Day. That would be awesome, haha. I love milk. Got some cool posters, stickers and a shirt.

Oh good! It doesn't look like rain anymore, which is good b/c i was planning on going into the city later today to "have lunch" with my cousin. Which means that i want to go to his work to meet an actor... under the guise of wanting to go to lunch with my cousin, haha. Oh, me. I'm so clever. Haha.

Anyway, that's all for now. Until next time...

- Christina :)

woot.

2006-09-17T13:22:00.000-04:00

Wee hoo... i finally uploaded me a picture... after having this thing for almost a year, haha. You've probably seen this pic before... man, i really need a new one, haha. maybe someday...

Anyway, not a whole lot has been happening. I still have work to do, but I'm procrastinating. NJ Transit free week is this week. I really want to take advantage of that, but damn my work schedule! Damn it to hell... maybe on friday I'll go into the city and have dinner with my cousin or something. We'll see...

Also, I'm thinking of starting another blog. So if I do you have to go read it. It's going to be all music oriented (which this one was supposed to be, but i'm so damned open that i felt like sharing everything with the world here, haha). But this new one, should I decide to make it, will seriously just be about music. I don't know what I'll call it yet. Or what will go on it. We'll figure something out (we being me haha). So like all those "In Music News" things I put on here sometimes will be on the other one. I'll let you know when I make it, so that you can read it and tell all your friends to read it and so i will become a music blogging goddess! heh....

Whatever... catch ya later,
Christina

Afterthought...

2006-09-10T18:43:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I meant to post this about two weeks ago.

When Amy, her boyfriend Jay and I went to the Counting Crows concert on August 29th, we took separate cars. Thus I had to walk from the parking lot by myeslf. But it was cool because i heard one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life. Some of you may have heard of the veyr funny site OverheardInNewYork.com. For those who have not, you should check it out. New York is filled with people, and you'd be amazed at the percentage of people are are just retarded. People send the website stupid/silly conversations they overheard. It's actually very amusing. Check it out.

Anyway, I think there should be one for Charlotte. What I heard that night of the concert would definitely make it.

Guy in Orange Shirt: Man, I remember the last time we were here... like 2003. Phish, man. That was an awesome night!
Guy's Friend: You haven't been to a concert since 2003?
Guy in Orange: Nah, man. Remember? 2004-2005 I was in prison.
Guy's Friend: Oh yeah.

Something I heard in the Arbo Walmart would also make it I think.

Little boy: Look, mom! Fun-ton!
Mom: Baby, that says futon...

Maybe not the funniest things ever (though I think the first quote is hilarious), but I still think they're amusing. Someone should start and Overheard in Charlotte site. It'd have like 3 visitors a week. And two of them would probably be me... whatever...

Just a random thought,
Christina

Back in Joysey

2006-09-06T22:43:00.000-04:00

Yo yo yo. I is officially back in Jersey. It was a mother of a move in day though. I woke up at 4am and made it to NJ around 9:30. Breanne picked me up from the airport and we mosied on over to the SHU. After checking in Bre and I went to Bunny's. Uh! Come visit me in Jersey. We will eat fantastic pizza at Bunny's! It was wonderful... unfortunately the rest of the day was spent in SAB training, but it's all good, met a few new fun people. More of the same, blah blah blah...

Then Tues. was the first day of classes. They were alright. Nothing seems too too difficult... but i haven't been to all my classes yet. I had to skip American History II, but no biggie. This is all extremely exciting to you, I'm sure.

What the hell is up with the prices of text books? It's fucking insane. It's such a scam. By the time I've finished getting everything I need I will have spent over $300. When I sell them all back I'll probably get like $25 tops. I wish someone would buy my German book, haha. Damn, i want to get rid of that. Maybe I'll post my history book too... i think i'll do that when i'm done here.

Which I am. There's really nothing much to say; I just felt like I needed to post something.

Oh, in Music News: I kinda found this guy by accident. Actually i was sitting in the SAB office and he imed me, haha. His name is Jim Gaven www.myspace.com/jimgaven He's pretty good actually. He graduated from SHU last year I think. He plays around jersey a lot, and if you get a chance i think you should check him out if you haven't already. I hope we get him to play here again... i wanna see him. check him out.

Peace out:P
Christina

More Haiku news

2006-08-27T03:46:00.000-04:00

Don't worry, I won't talk about the Psy-kus anymore, haha.

However, I do have some other of my haikus featured on another blog. It's still up and coming, but it's a brilliant concept that I think could catch on. It's called the Free Time Masons. Basically it showcases art/literature/whatever that people do when they're supposed to be doing something else. Little creative outlets. Anyway, I recommend you check it out, and perhaps think about showcasing your doodles/creative output too!

Love,
Christina:)

Hahahahahah Holy Crap!!!

2006-08-25T23:55:00.000-04:00

I did it! I did it! I won! I won! Oh yeah, that's right.

Remember that little haiku writing contest I told you about last post? Well... it's not really a contest in that I win anything... unless you count getting to bask in the glory of my genius and Psych devotion. To recap, a mission was given to write haikus about the new hit USA show called "Psych." You could basically write as many as you wanted, but only a few would be selected and featured on the Production Blog "Fly On the Wall." Hell yes, this is like a small self-esteem victory! I, Christina a.k.a. Psyched4Psych, was given special thanks. That's right, I said "special thanks" for giving a shout out to my half soul-mate Gus, the buddy in this buddy-cop/psychic show. You all know how much I hate bad grammar, and I could tell there was something special about this particular haiku when I wrote it, even though it wasn't particularly my favorite. Hahahaha, I didn't even win anything, but I am so excited. Hahahaha:D.

This is like small personal victory for Christina. My haiku is being read all over the world. Oh yeah. That's right. :) x 1000

2006-08-22T19:55:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Gang! I changed the layout of my site, hope you like it. I was getting bored of the dots. I like this... so this it shall be... at least for a while, haha.

Anyway, ain't much been happening here. Went to Myrtle Beach for like a day with my dad. It was kinda boring except for the 20 mins we were at the beach to see the sunrise, haha. Perhaps this tentative trip to LA should be a tentative trip to Myrtle Beach... or at least include a trip to a beach. Haha. I've been working on next year's line of Valentine's Day cards. I've got about 7... i need about 13 more. More info on that later.

Also, to amuse myself in my spare time I've entered a Haiku writing "contest." These haikus (or Psy-kus) have to be about the new USA show called "Psych." It's an extremely hilarious cop comedy-drama about a guy who's actually a good detective, but tells the local police department that he's a psychic. He has nothing better to do. But so, all the haikus have to be "Psych" related. I wrote ten. They can be found here. My handle is Psyched4Psych, haha. Enjoy.

Catch ya later,
Christina

P.S. - I've been meaning to share this song with you. It's called "Business Time" and it's by these New Zealanders called The Flight of the Conchords. You should listen to it. Good stuff, hahaha.

"Makin' love.... makin' love for twwooo... makin' love for twooo minutes!" :D

Long, but perhaps useful...:)

2006-08-08T15:38:00.000-04:00

I haven't blogged in a long time, so I thought up a topic and was going to write about it here. It was kinda depressing, but what did I care; I'm depressed about 20-50% of the time anyway. But the topic wasn't really going to be about depression, but more about how I cure my depression. And now after thinking about and actually taking in my cure, I'm no longer depressed, so I don't even want to talk about being depressed. Heh. Go figure. My cure worked once again.

But now you might be wondering what my cure is, so I guess I'll indulge. What I use to cure depression is an everyday item. I'm sure all of you have some of it in your your house right now. I'm sure that all of you have purchased some at some point in your life. *Shifty eyes* And I bet you've stolen some too. Go on, admit it. You have. I have. So what? Wanna make something of it? Come on! Let's take this outside! Sometimes I even buy it, use what I need, and return it. Heh. I got $4.80 of store credit the last time I did that. And then I bought more of my cure (but that cure ended up being rotten and cut to pieces, and really wasn't that enjoyable, but I still think I'm going to keep it...). So what is my cure, you ask? Come on, this is me we're talking about....

Turns out my depression cure-all is music. Turns out I've been using it for this purpose for years, but didn't realize it until Sunday. I suppose I always did know about it, but not in the way that I realized I do. You see, the whole story begins about 5 years ago. I was about to be a sophomore in a new high school because the school board is retarded and decided to bus kids all over town so they could go to their "home" schools, so I was about to leave a bunch of new friends, teachers and clubs behind to start anew. Mind you, this new school was in the ghetto, and despite the reassuring fact that my friend told me I could "pass for Mexican," I did not want to subject myself to the perils of life in the ghetto.

And to top it all off, I was 15. And I'm sure most, if not all, of you reading this remember what it was like to be 15. Puberty and hormones are the devil. Anyway, I was chronically depressed. Every single day of my miserable little life was like awakening to a dark cloud filled with acid rain. Undiluted. I didn't know what the hell I was going to do with my life. I didn't really even want it anymore. And I was seriously contemplating giving it back. One fateful day I bought a CD with a song that changed my life. Listening to "Drive" by Incubus (on Make Yourself) over and over again made me realize that maybe if I WAS the one behind the wheel of my life then maybe I could make it find direction. Maybe I could take control of my life instead of waiting for it to take control of me. I had never really looked for messages in music before. Or at least I had never found any like this.

And you know what? 2 months later I had my first boyfriend. I was down a pants size. And I was actually happy. Ever since that day music has been my saving grace. I never realized what a good friend it could actually be. If that summer had turned out differently, I would never have known Josh Rouse, who made me realize all this in the first place (and who i've decided is going to have at least one of my babies, haha). I would never have known Bain Mattox or my musician friend, both of whom also mean A LOT to me. I would never have met some of my best friends in the world, and the one I already knew, I wouldn't have known as well. I'm not claiming to be free of depression. God knows I have my days. But without having music that affects me, that speaks to me (like Josh's or Bain's), I dont' know what I would do. To quote something I wrote on Sunday on the topic: "We all have problems, every day of our lives. But without a special friend, who sometimes empowers or inspires or depresses or makes you have these sorts of epiphanies, life would be a lot worse."

That's why I'll always hold a special place in my heart for Brandon Boyd of Incubus (for saving my life Summer '01), Bain Mattox (for saving my sanity in November '05), and Red Perspective (for saving my life and sanity after the death of my dorm neighbor March '05). And of course Josh Rouse (for making me realize how much I appreciate my life).

Music is my cure-all. A good melody and some good lyrics are all I need....

(sorry, it's a lot longer and slightly more depressing than I had anticipated. And perhaps a little hard to follow. But if you're reading this blog, you should know and love Christina logic by now, haha :P ).

Ooh, Breanne, looking good!

2006-08-02T00:53:00.000-04:00

Photoshop is fun

2006-08-02T00:13:00.000-04:00

Found photoshop on my computer. Decided to swap heads. These are the results.

Baby Spears. Oh I crack myself up.....

I'll keep practicing, hahah....

I just felt like bloggin'.....

2006-07-18T01:47:00.000-04:00

That title is funniest when said in a Forrest Gump voice, hehe.

But seriously, I did. It's approximately 1:14am and I'm not tired at all. Maybe because I woke up at like 11:30. I try not to wake up that late, but I can't help it. But I feel like my entire day is gone if I wake up after noon. It really sucks. Haven't been up to much. On Friday, Alison, Mary Ann and I went to see my musician friend play at this wine shop in the university area. He was pretty good. I told him to play Josh Rouse and he played my favorite song. That made me extremely happy. I told him to play more Josh Rouse when I talked to him between sets, but he forgot. It was okay though because he played my other requests: Damien Rice, The Fray, and an original song called "Grace" that I am absolutely in love with. It's sad and heartfelt. It's wonderful to see/hear performed. Unfortunately it was hard to enjoy it because I could tell my friends were getting antsy and wanted to leave; we had been there for over 4 hours already, hahaha. Plus the rest of the crowd was getting loud and drunk and annoying (stupid whores, hahah). Also, for reasons unknown, we plunked down at a table kinda far away from him. So that kinda sucked. I promised him next time we'd sit closer; he wants our applause to spread to the rest of the crowd so that they pay attention to him, hahaha. Or at least more attention. Oh well. Next time I'll sit closer.

Saturday was Alison's surprise birthday party. Her birthday isn't until today (Tuesday), but it was the weekend, so we had it. It was kinda cool. I'd never been to a surprise party before. Her parents planned it; but my job was to get a group of friends there. Mary Ann helped, haha. It was really cute. Alison was really surprised; she had no idea. The beginning of the party was kind of emotional, haha. It was sweet and fun. Afterwards a few of us ventured on to the movies where we saw You, Me & Dupree. It was kind of a feel good movie, haha. It was cute actually. Is it just me, or does Owen Wilson play fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants characters every time? Oh well, he's good at it, heh. It really was a cute movie. Kate Hudson is my girl crush. I love her. Hahaha. I want to be her when I grow up :P

Also, I finally found a creative outlet. I could feel this need for creativity building up for a couple weeks now. I try to write more to my story when I feel that, but it didn't work this time. I bought a sketchbook and some very nice color (or "colour" according to the box) pencils and started to draw. So far it's just a couple pics of Chris Martin of Coldplay. The first one I did was pretty good, if I may say so myself. But the second one is not so good. The black charcoal pencil smeared a little more than I anticipated so now his face is gray-peach, haha. It's not that great; I didn't even really finish it because I couldn't get rid of the gray. His mustache is not done, his nose looks funny, and he looks bald, haha. Oh well. The first one is pretty life like though, I guess. I'll continue to attempt to master my nonskills. Doesn't really matter though; it's only for entertainment.... and cheap gifts, haha....

Six-pack o' Nothin'

2006-07-10T18:46:00.000-04:00

Not a whole lot to report over here. Still not being honest (see previous entry) about certain things, haha. Maybe at some point this summer. We'll see. *Sigh* Heh.

I've been having these weird dreams lately. They're not really weird in that the plot of the dream is weird; just that each one involves a different guy, and heavy flirting. One of them was about Josh Meyers, the dude from MadTV. Just a lot of flirting... I don't remember much else. Another one was about this kid Greg who lived on my floor freshman year, dubbed "The Most Gorgeous Boy in the World" by yours truly. Just a lot of hugging, cuddling and flirting. Mary Ann woke me up from that dream. Dammit. Then there was one about my German teacher from high school, Mr. Land. Oh, Mr. Land.... *drools*. More flirting, talking. He was hot. It was nice, haha. And then I think there was one about he-who-shall-not-be-named, hahah :). More of the same. Then last night I had this weird dream about this other kid Marko who used to go to school with me. This one had a heavier mood than the others; he was meaner to me, and there was really no flirting... though he let me stay at his place while he was gone (haha?). I think I'm over-sexed. Or under-sexed. One of them. Hahaha... but ooh... those were some gorgeous men in my dreams, hahaha.

In Music News: I'm still obsessed with Josh Rouse. He's virtually all I've listened to for 3 weeks. The compilation CD my friend made me has been spinning almost constantly in my car. The only time it's not in there is when another Josh Rouse cd (1972) is playing. Or when my friend is in fact playing, haha. But seriously, I wish I had known about this guy sooner. I don't use this phrase often, but I think his music is potentially life changing. Seriously. I can't even count how many times I've listened to "Comeback" these past few weeks. And now I've discovered a new song. It's called "Its the Nighttime." I haven't even formulated words for it yet. But let me put it this way. I wish that someone would sing it to me. Perhaps even he-who-shall-not-be-named, hehehe. :D

Poignant Quotes...

2006-07-02T22:30:00.000-04:00

I love to read. And more than anything else, I love to take pieces of philosophy from the books I read and write them down so that I never forget them. I recently found an old notebook I use to write down such quotes and other moving passages (usually song lyrics). I haven't opened it in months, so I started reading some of the quotes I've taken from books that I thought were so insightful. Here are a few:

"And maybe you don't go to hell for the things you do. Maybe you go to hell for the things you don't do." -- Lullaby, Chuck Palahniuk, p. 175.

"Game shows are designed to make us feel better about the random, useless facts that are all we have left of our education." -- Invisible Monsters, Chuck Palahniuk, p. 103

"When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves." Invisible Monsters, p. 104

"What you don't understand you can make mean anything." Diary, Chuck Palahniuk, p. 134

"According to Plato, we don't learn anything. Our soul has lived so many lives that we know everything. Teachers and education can only remind us of what we already know." Diary, p. 188.

"Why is it that you feel like a dope if you laugh alone, but that's usually how you end up crying?" Invisible Monsters, p. 121

Okay, so most of them are from the same author, haha. But I don't think that makes them any less true or even jarring. That last one is especially telling. Why is it that we often just cry by ourselves? Perhaps it's just ingrained in our minds to be strong and not let others see our weaknesses. I never understood that ideal. I think that if everyone was as open with each other as we are with ourselves we'd have a lot more happiness in this world (not to sound all hippie-y or anything). If we could tell each other the truth, the truth of what we are feeling... there'd be less pain. I mean, obviously, yes there would be. But if little Billy could just tell his mommy that he broke the window, he wouldn't have to see her afraid of burglars. Or if Cindy could tell anyone about what Old Man Jenkins does to her behind the barn, she wouldn't hate herself quite as much..... If I only could tell him that I think he's talented, intelligent, kind, attractive, and all-around wonderful, maybe then he could let go and allow himself to open up a little more. And then maybe I wouldn't feel so nervous around him.

*sigh* if only we could be honest, eh? Heh.... ;)

God, I hope he never reads this.... hahahaha.... or figures out I'm talking about him.... *embarrassed* hahaha:)

I Don't Get It...

2006-06-26T21:52:00.000-04:00

What is going on with the world? Like two weeks ago a kid I went to elementary school and middle school (i'm not sure where or if he went to high school) died of a brain aneurysm. He was like my age. Then like a week later I found out a friend from school's father died. Then last week one of our soccer players died. She sat next to me in Great Books I spring semester of freshman year. It's almost getting to the point that it's freaking me out.

And to top it all off I had a dream that my friend's car (and house? heh...) was stolen. A few months ago his car was stolen... and that was after my dream that his car BLEW UP. What the hell is going to happen now? I swear to God, if his car blows up..... :( x 1000 Just my mass confusion with the world, I guess.

In lighter news, I'm still in love with the Josh Rouse compilation my friend (the car friend, actually) made me. He also let me borrow his Death Cab dvd "Directions." It's a collection of 13 videos directed by different directors (hence the title) for all the songs on their latest album Plans, plus 2 bonus songs. It was pretty interesting actually. A few of the videos were really weird and I didn't understand at all (and I pretend to be pretty arty). Others were genius, like the ones for "Different Names for the Same Thing" and "Someday You Will Be Loved." And the video for "Crooked Teeth" was histerical.They were amusing, disturbing, depressing and moving (especially "What Sarah Said"... i felt on the verge of tears). It was interesting and worth the watch, but if you can find someone who owns a copy I suggest you borrow it, but I wouldn't necessarily suggest you buy it.

(Please, Friend's Car... don't mess with me....)

Jeez, Christina. Take Forever!

2006-06-22T22:18:00.000-04:00

Well well well... it's been for-freaking-ever, eh? In the past few weeks, I really haven't done much. I wish I had more to say about my life, but it's kind of hard to put enough words together to make anything remotely coherent and interesting when you don't have a life to begin with. I'm currently self-employed. Unfortunately, I don't ever get paid... my boss is a bit of a bitch... but there is a bit of a cash flow problem within the company, so I guess I can't really complain. I mean, I did agree to work for free for a little while. I should really look for another job though...

I have taken up yoga these past couple weeks. I've only been to a handful of classes, but so far I like it. Hopefully I'll be able to maintain going there, even with my cash flow problem. I'm taking what the studio calls "Hot Flow" which is basically yoga in a 90+ degree (F) room for 60 to 90 mins. Sometimes it can get up to like 110 degrees. It's a killer. But when that first bead of sweat rolls off your face onto your mat, you know it's worth it. It's cleansing, releasing. The instructors always talk about how certain poses and postures are emotional, and how yoga is a very emotional ordeal for some people. I thought that was kind of weird, until last friday when we were quietly meditating at the end of class and I inexplicably wanted to cry. I didn't actually start, but I could feel it building up in my sinuses. It was bizarre... and yet refreshing. I wish I had taken up yoga a long time ago. Sometimes in class I feel like I'm going to vomit and/or pass out. But when I'm done, and I've showered off all my toxins (hehe) I feel great. A bit tired with a bit of a headache... but just great. And it's good for me too... go figure:P

In Music News: So I got my friend to burn me a CD of this guy Josh Rouse he's been telling me to check out. I gots to conserve money, so I made the very difficult decision to not buy CDs right now (even used) if i've never heard the artist before. So I told my friend to burn me copies of the Josh's CDs. He then offered to burn me his Josh Rouse Compilation. So I gladly accepted (b/c hey, it's better than nothing... and it was free... except for the gas I had to use to go get it... both the time i actually picked it up and the time he had forgotten to make it so I stayed to talk for a few mins anyway, haha). ANYWAY, Josh Rouse. Hoh, my God. WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN?!?!?!? This CD is so wonderful. It has songs from a few of Rouse's albums, I guess my friend's favs or something, and it's all I've been listening to since I picked it up yesterday afternoon. At first only a few of the songs were catching me... but then I took a closer listen and I'm addicted to most of them on here now. All of the songs on the burned CD are from albums released within the past decade, but there's an older feeling to Rouse's music. It refreshing when all you hear lately is "Junk" Punk and "Crap" Rap (nicknames mine) like AFI or any of the hacks who think they're rappers. I'm so tired of this craze. Much of Rouse sounds like it's out of the seventies. A couple songs are reminiscent of the disco era (as reminiscent as anything can be to someone who never actually LIVED the disco era). Overall, it's great. I'm in love with the song "Comeback (light therapy)." I've listened to it at least 20 times today. You should check it out.

That's really about it... hopefully the next time I blog won't take 3 weeks, but no guarantees. Until then....

Song Headaches suck :(

2006-06-02T02:36:00.000-04:00

I'm really tired, but I can't sleep. I want to go to sleep. But I can't. I can't explain it either. All I have to do is turn off the light, and lie down quietly, and try to relax. But I know I won't be able to relax. And I'm not even sure what my problem is. It's not like I'm doing anything important. My mind is plagued, I guess.

I can't even tell you by what. I know... but I'm not going to tell you, haha. So I'm going to be cryptic: There's this song that I can't get out of my head. I sing it every day while watching tv, going out around town, whoring around on myspace. Even in weird situations where thinking about the song is not appropriate. I wish that I could get rid of this song-headache, but nothing seems to cure me. Maybe if I find another song, but I don't care about other songs. This song is my favorite. Even when I'm driving, i'm looking around at different cars wondering if they know my song too. If they've heard it before. If they are as obsessed with it as i am. I wish that I wasn't. It pisses me off, quite frankly. I tell myself not to think about the song, but I can't seem to forget it. It just keeps looping and looping in my head. I hear it on my iPod, and on my computer, and I wonder when the next time I'll get to hear it performed in person will be.

And yet, I wish that I could just stop thinking about this freaking song for one minute. For one day, I want to not have to go through the lyrics and the information I'm gleaning about its meaning. I want to be devoid of this song. I constantly tell myself that I'm a fool for thinking about it so much, and there's no reason for me to be, but I never seem to listen. I just laugh it off, and go back to thinking about it, to singing it, to wondering about it. Sometimes I think that I've over-analyzed it, over-analyzed my experiences with it. I'm a fool and I'm making up stories. I have to get a grip and find a new song. A song for my generation, as it were. But I haven't cared for these kinds of songs in so long. I live in the past (and sometimes in a past that I barely remember, if i've lived it at all). This particular song has been around for longer than I have, but I fell in some form of love with it from the first time I heard it about 4 or so years ago.

Slowly, over time and over multiple listens, I think I've fallen in love with it. Or at least with the version I understand. I KNOW there is more to it than I'm gathering, but it's hard to truly and fully understand without an explanation, without a guided tour, if you will. But you know what, dammit? I WANT a guided tour. I do. I want one. I want to be able to understand this song as fully as it's humanly possible to understand. It intrigues me so. And yet I know that I need to let it go.

But I don't want to. In case I DO finally get that guided tour....

And this is why I am left awake at 3am. What the hell is wrong with me??

[I know that was kind of confusing, but I suppose it makes sense to those whom it's supposed to make sense...]